Bun In The Oven
by MissWinkles
Summary: When a one-night stand that should have stayed that way has unexpected consequences, Edward and Bella have to find a way to make it work, for better or worse.  AH/OCC. Rated M for so many reasons.
1. Chapter 1

**Thank you to Krystle and Alby for being a most excellent beta and pre-reading team. Thank you for sticking with me, even though I flounce my own work. **

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Twilight, and I don't own Knocked Up. I just took the two stories and smooshed them together.

**Warning: **This chapter contains references to drug use. If that's not your thing, then it's cool, just close your eyes during the bad bits.**  
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><p><strong>Northern Lights &amp; Glittering Vamps.<strong>

**BPOV**

"Jesus, Bella. Are you capable of wearing anything other than jeans?"

I held my arm across the door frame, blocking the entrance to my apartment as I scowled at the gorgeous blond bombshell standing in the hallway.

"Are you capable of being anything but a nasty bitch?" I replied, eying the ensemble that my best friend had put together for what was supposed to be a low-key night out.

Skin tight designer jeans? Check.

Expensive leather boots? Check

Well fitted shirt with the top buttons undone, showing a hideous amount of man-scaped chest hair? Check and check.

"Touche," replied Riley with a smirk and a raise of his extremely well sculpted eyebrow.

Stupid attractive ass.

"Okay, ladies. Back to your corners," Jess slurred as she ducked under my arm sneakily. It was obvious from the eye-watering stench that wafted in behind her that she was already blazed. The pungent aroma of weed stuck to her clothes, infecting the air around her like her very own signature scent.

_Eau De PotHead._I'm sure Britney Spears had something similar.

I coughed dramatically, waving my hand in front of my nose. "Ugh. Smoke much, Jess?"

She just smiled lazily and shrugged her shoulders. "Chill, Bumblebee. Jimmy got this fucking awesome Northern Lights shit." She smacked her lips together loudly before flopping down onto my shitty sofa. "It's off the fuckin' chi-zain!"

When I'd first met Jess, she was the enthusiastic cheerleader-type; full of pep and spirit and all that bullshit. She was the type of girl I would have blown spit-balls at when I was in high school. She and I had worked at the same Kinko's for about a year, until we got caught photocopying our asses and both got fired. It was that night, at a party in our apartment building, that someone gave her a joint. You know, to chill out or whatever? What resulted from that fateful night was now sitting on my couch, bleary-eyed and smelling like she just came from a Burning Man festival.

What's more, she had her feet on my goddamn coffee table!

"Just don't make my sofa smell, okay?" I asked, kicking her feet off. I might have found it by the side of the road, but it was my coffee table, damn it. I didn't want her stank-ass feet all over the table that I ate my dinner on. Gross!

Jess leaned over a little, burying her nose in the cushions. "Dude," she said, looking at me over the back of the sofa. "It already smells."

"She's right, Bella. You've really outdone yourself with this one," said Riley with a whistle as he looked around my apartment. "This is by far the worst apartment you've ever lived in."

With a look of utter disgust, he flicked the empty pizza boxes off the stool with the wonky leg, wiped it over with his hand, and sat down.

"Would you both stop hating on my love pad? It was the best I could afford!"

Riley's eyes widened. "This was the best? Were the others crack dens? Whore houses? I mean, what's the rent like for a shit hole like this? Are you paying them with your first born?"

I opened the tiny bar fridge and lifted the lid on one of the takeaway containers, grimacing as the smell of rancid food hit my nostrils.

"Yes, Riley. My landlord is Rumpelstiltskin. And the fat, sweaty guy next door is The Sugarplum Fairy. How about you go fuck yourself?"

Riley screwed up his nose as I took another container out, sniffed it, decided it was okay, and shoved it in my microwave. "What I get from housing assistance just about covers the rent. Plus, I have some money left in the bank from my last paycheck at McDonald's, so I should be fine."

I opened all the drawers in the kitchen, searching for a fork, or a spoon or some goddamn chopsticks or something. Unfortunately I found nothing but a plastic butter knife and a bottle opener. I really needed to go shopping.

Riley looked on as I tried to scoop up my noodles with the butter knife, splashes of soy dribbling on my chin as they flicked off the blade and back into the tub.

"And what does Charlie think of your current living conditions?" asked Riley, his eye twitching as drops of sauce landed on my top.

I shrugged, dabbing at the sauce on my shirt as I chewed. "You know Charlie; as long as I'm happy, he's happy."

Riley snorted. "I think all the mung beans and tofu have turned his brain to mush. That man needs to get some protein in there."

After I left for New York, Charlie met his lady friend, Sue. Sue owned the local non-profit, 100% organic, fair trade market in Forks. The last time I went home he was wearing a t-shirt made from organic cotton, and was helping Sue make a lentil and soy bean pie.

His relationship with the tie-dye wearing, incense burning, sun worshiping Sue mystified the fuck out of me from day one. But Charlie said he was happy - and in turn, I was happy to go along with it. He got this look in his eyes around her, like he'd follow her anywhere, do anything for her. It was kind of sickening in a puppy dog kind of way. Anyway, since I wasn't there, I was glad he had someone to look after him. Someone to cook him meat-free, salt-free, flavor-free dinners.  
>I dumped the empty Chinese container in the trash and put the knife in the sink. Since it was my only utensil, I thought it best to keep it on hand.<p>

"Okay, I'm ready," I said, slipping my favourite black Chucks on.

Riley stared at me, aghast. "Ready for what? A barn dance?"

"If that's what your people are doing these days," I replied, throwing in a jaunty little jig for good measure.

"You are _not _coming out dressed like that! Even Jess made an effort."

I looked over at Jess, who was busy staring into space.

Vacant expression.

Wrinkled clothing.

Mismatched Converse shoes that she most likely found slung over power lines.

She looked the same as always to me.

I made a face at Riley, pointedly looking back at Jess, and then down at my own attire.

Riley huffed, uncrossing his arms and throwing them in the air. "She brushed her hair, okay? Just go put another shirt on," he argued.

I groaned, rolling my head back. "Why?"

"Because," Riley said, swiveling his head from side to side, in that move that only black women and gay men can pull off. "You look like a boy. And if we're going to a club full of beautiful, gay men, I refuse to be seen with a skinny, pasty little twink like you."

I started rummaging through the pile of clean washing on the sofa beside Jess. "There are so many things wrong with what you just said. For one, you are so obviously a bottom, and I don't have the equipment to be a top." I threw my hands in the air, frustrated. "Also, this is all I have," I finished, pointing to my self.

"There's that pretty top that Riley bought you for your last birthday," suggested Jess, giving me a sly, bloodshot side-eye.

I turned to glare at her. "Thank you for reminding me, Jessica," I spat through gritted teeth. For a stoner she was annoyingly switched on when she wanted to be.

"Oh! That's right," said Riley, clapping his hands.

He grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me into the bedroom, where he immediately began rummaging through my closet.

"Please, go ahead," I sighed, flopping onto my mattress. "Make yourself comfortable as you rifle through my personal belongings."

I heard him snort, his head buried deep in the recesses of my messy wardrobe. "I've seen you naked, girl. You've got no secrets from me."

It was true. He knew everything about me, and I him. I knew that as much as he complained about his job as a flight attendant - he loved it. He got to fly first class to amazing cities all over the world for free, and he got to wear a cute uniform - what more could a boy want?

I knew that he never had to 'come out' to his parents. They pretty much figured out that he was gay when his father caught him dressing as Whitney Houston, singing 'Queen Of The Night'.

And I also knew that whenever he came home, he would bring me little goodie bags full of tiny milk, sugar, and coffee, as well as anything else he could pilfer from first class. Then, in a stupid little ritual we had, we would sit and drink the teeny tiny milk and eat the biscuits.

"A-ha!" he shrieked triumphantly, holding the shirt up in the air. His face dropped as he tried to smooth out the crumpled material. "Bella, it still has the tag on it!"

"What?" I replied with a shrug. I'd shoved that thing in the darkest corner of my closet the moment I got it home. It was so flimsy and sheer, and so very not me.

Riley tossed the offending garment at me. "Sweetie, that is an Aro Volturi original, all the way from Italy. Put it the fuck on."

"I'll put you the fuck on," I mumbled as I stripped out of my t-shirt and pulled the top over my head. It looked nice, Riley had pretty good taste. But whatever.

"Well hello cleavage! I didn't even know you had those," teased Riley, poking his finger into my boobs.

"Yeah, well, my diet consists of Ramen noodles and Easy Mac. All the weight seems to go straight to my tits."

"Well, whatever it is, honey - keep doing it."

I tucked my hands under my arms, trying to cover my chest. "Are you done being my fairy godmother?"

Riley shrugged. "Sure, why not."

I turned to leave and felt him rip the hair tie from my ponytail, no doubt taking chunks of my hair with it.

"Ow! What the fuck?"

He grinned as he flounced past me and into the bathroom. "Now you're done. You should put some lip gloss on too."

I rubbed the back of my head, expecting to feel a bald patch.

"So can we go now?" I asked, shoving my ID in my back pocket.

Riley stopped preening in front of my bathroom mirror and stepped out into the hallway.

"Do I look okay?" he asked, doing a little pirouette for me.

"You look lovely as always, princess."

Riley stopped spinning and put his hands on his hips. "You're snarkier than usual tonight. What's up?"

"Nothing," I snapped, rolling my eyes.

Riley's eyebrow arched as he waggled a finger in the air at me. "Don't 'nothing' me, honey. Something's up. When was the last time you...you know?" He made a crude gesture with his hand. "Gave your nubbin a little rubbin?"

Resisting the urge to fiddle with the obscenely low cut top, I shoved my hands in my back pockets. "My beaver is just fine, thank you."

Riley snorted rather ungracefully. "Don't give me that shit, Bella. It's obvious that your sexual deprivation is manifesting itself in feelings of low self-worth and aggression."

"Where on earth did you hear that?" I asked, scowling as I realized it made a whole lot of sense.

"Dr. Phil," grinned Riley. "In other words; you're being a bitch and a massive pain in my ass, and you need to get laid."

He was right. I did need to get laid. But offers had been few and far between, and ever since Peter, who wanted to pee on me in the shower, I just wasn't ready to bring someone home. But still, I missed being close with someone. I missed the smell of a man, the feel of roughened hands on my skin, I even missed the awkward morning-after moments.

I hung my head, suddenly feeling a little bit sorry for myself. "It's just been a while since someone other than me made the effort to get me off."

Riley grimaced, nodding his head. "You getting carpal tunnel?"

I laughed, wishing it wasn't true. "It's just not the same, you know?"

Sighing dramatically, Riley threw an arm over my shoulder, pressing his forehead against the top of my head. "Wanna talk about it?"

Pouting dramatically, I continued with my wallowing. "I just want to feel someone _on _me. Feel the weight of a real person on top of me, you know? That's what I miss the most." I felt Riley nod and I turned to look at him. "It doesn't even have to be sex. What I wouldn't give for a good spoon. Or a nook. Hell, I'd settle for a guy just lying on top of me, not moving."

Riley pulled me to him, holding me in a tight hug. "Cheer up, Bee. You never know what's around the corner. Tonight could be your lucky night."

I looked up, resting my chin on his chest. "At a gay club?"

Riley shrugged. "You just never know. Tell you what, I've got something that might make you feel better. A little gift."

I couldn't help but smile as Riley began digging around in his pockets. "A gift?"

"These," he said as he produced a small little baggie with three tiny pills in it, "are called Glittering Vamps."

"Whoa!" I exclaimed, grabbing the bag from him for closer inspection. "Where did you get them?"

"Just another perk of being a first class attendant."

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. "You mean someone left them behind?"

He snorted, snatching the pills from me. "No! You'd be amazed at what people will do for an extra blanket. Now, do you want one or not?"

I chewed on my nub of a thumb nail. "I don't know..."

"Oh, come on, Bella! You're twenty-six years old. You have no job, no boyfriend, and you live in this crappy apartment that, I'm sorry, smells like week old sweaty ass. What have you got to lose?"

Wow. Kick a girl while she's down. Did I mention Riley was a major bitch?

"If I do, will you shut up about my apartment?"

Riley put a hand on his hip as he looked at me. "No...Yes...Maybe."

"It means no complaining when you have to come over."

Riley rolled his eyes.

"And," I continued. "No sly comments about the smell, the sticky flooring, or the hole in the roof that drips when it rains."

Riley gasped. "Ever?"

"Ever."

I held my hand out and Riley dropped a pill into it. "Fine. No nasty comments about your beloved apartment."

With a final deep breath, I looked down at the purple, chalky looking pill, and with a smile, threw my head back and swallowed it.

Riley's eyes widened. "I probably wouldn't have taken the whole thing at once, but whatever. Let's get you to a club before you start bouncing off the walls."

"Am I going to be alright?" I asked, clutching my throat.

He smiled. "You'll be fine. Let's get this party started!"

I waved my hand in front of my face, glad to still be seeing only five fingers.

"You ready, Jess?" asked Riley, snapping his fingers at her.

There was no answer from her as she sat staring at the television screen. The girl was so fucking baked she was staring at a blank screen.

"Jess?" I called a little louder.

Riley looked at me, shaking his head.

"Jess!" we shouted in unison.

She turned her head to us slowly. "Huh?"

"What are you doing? You know the TV is off, right?"

She nodded. "I couldn't be bothered turning it on."

Like I said - fried.

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><p>"The Cockpit? Really?"<p>

"What?" laughed Riley. "It's catchy."

"Herpes is catchy, Riley. The Cockpit is just lame."

"I don't get it," mused Jess, her mouth gaping as she looked up at the pink neon sign.

Riley waved a hand, ignoring her comment. "Of course you don't. Anyway, who cares what it's called. We get free entry and cheap drinks. So just shut up and enjoy it."

We air-kissed and fake smiled our way through the doors, only to be greeted by two well-muscled men in pilot uniforms. Which, when they turned around, were ass-less.

I had to hand it to the gay man - they knew how to throw a party. The walls of the night club were painted with black sparkly paint, making the entire room glitter and shine in the flashing lights. The bar was lit from underneath with a bright pink neon light, and was manned with buff men, all in various states of undress.

Riley was in his element as he giggled and flirted with the bartenders, batting his lashes and touching their arms as he laughed. Jesus, the guy had more swagger than Jay-Z.

It wasn't that I'd ever really had much of a problem finding men. It just seemed like New York was running low on straight, good-looking guys who weren't homicidal kleptomaniacs, or worse; business men. It was one lesson I'd learned the hard way when I moved to New York - to stay away from the corporate types. Sure, they looked nice, all shiny and sharp in their two-piece suits, tailored and cut to perfection with their coiffed hair and forty-dollar manicures. But really, they were just douche bags wrapped in pretty paper to make them more appealing to the fairer sex.  
>Just thinking about it made my blood boil and my heart rate spike.<p>

_Or was that the drugs?_

I looked down at my hand, lifting it to my face. I'd never realized how nice my hands were. I watched as I touched my thumb to my middle finger, and then to the pointer, they all seemed to be a little numb. I grinned as I swished my hand back and forth in front of my eyes, watching the light dance off my skin.

There were most definitely more than five fingers.

"Riley," I hissed, tugging on his shirt.

Riley plucked my hand from his shirt. "Don't tug on the Armani, sweetie."

No wonder Riley got more action than I did, he was so fucking pretty! Well styled hair, pretty blue eyes and heavy dark lashes. If I was a guy, and he liked short, lanky brunettes, I'd totally let him suck my dick.

"I feel weeiird," I whispered, running my fingertips down my cheeks.

Just hearing my voice was strange. It was like I could hear myself inside my head._ Inside my head!_

Riley laughed, swapping my beer for a bottle of water. "Just take a little sip of this and you'll be just fine."

My fingers were all tingly, and I could feel it spreading down my arms and into my chest, like warm honey. The bottle of water was cool in my hands, so cool. And wet. And moist.

"Moist. Moissst. Mmmmoist."

I could hear Riley laughing as he tugged me towards the dance floor, the word 'moist' still tumbling around in my mouth like a lead weight. The lights were so fucking shiny! And it felt like the music was plugged right into my veins, like it was flowing into my body, making my feet move.

A tall brunette guy moved up beside me, swaying his hips to the beat.

"Oh my God," I yelled over the music. "You're so pretty!"

He giggled and spun me under his arm like a ballerina. "You're prettier!"

I'd never felt so alive! I was warm, but cold. Tired but buzzed. And most of all I was excited! I could feel my heart beating in my chest, thundering against my rib cage. I wanted to kiss someone, anyone! And I don't think I'd ever smiled that much in my life. I was smiling so hard that my cheeks were actually starting to hurt.

I lifted my hands to my face again, marveling at the way that my fingers could be so tingly - yet I couldn't feel them. I clapped them together just to test - amazed that I felt nothing. I touched my fingers to my face gently, the skin was so soft, like velvet, or baby skin.

"Riley!" I yelled, grabbing his hand. "Feel my skin, it's so soft!"

Riley turned to me, still dancing to the loud techno music as the back of his fingers caressed my cheek. "It is! Oh my god, it's amazing!"

The feel of Riley's hand on my face set off a myriad of emotions. I was still excited - but now, I was more turned on than I had ever been in my entire life. It was like I was one huge, horny ball of lust.

So there I was, high, horny, and stuck in a gay bar.

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><p><strong>There is a banner up on my profile by the lovely Christag.<strong>

**Review if you're feeling frisky!**


	2. Mr BigShot AKA Sparkles

**Hello again!**

**Thank you to Krystle and Alby for their beta/pre-reading services. Any mistakes are mine, because i'm a fiddly whore.**

**Also a big thank you to Christag who did a lovely banner for me, which you can see on my profile.  
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**It was lovely to see some old faces follow me from Lessons. I'm eternally grateful to anyone who willingly reads my insanity.**

**Who's ready to meet Edward?**

**xxx Wink**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I don't own Twilight, or it's characters, a Ms Meyer does. Also, please don't copy or reproduce my work elsewhere. It takes my entire brain cell just to write this, and stealing is no fun.

**Warning: **This chapter contains drug references/drug use.

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><p><strong>Mr Big-Shot AKA Sparkles<br>**

**EPOV**

"Wake up! Wake up!"

I gasped, and my eyes flew open as something small and round connected with my balls.

"Wake up, Uncle Edward!"

Grunting, I looked up to find my six year-old niece on my bed, still in her pyjamas, jumping up and down like a deranged psychopath. Or just an over-eager child. Same, same.

"Janetta," I groaned, rolling out of bed. "What are you doing up here? Where's your Mom?"

It felt like one of my balls had migrated back up into my body and I limped around the bedroom cupping my left nut, trying to coax it back down.

"Mommy told me..." _bounce_..._bounce_, "to come and get you out of bed," she puffed, her wild black curls bouncing like springs around her head.

I caught her just as she was about to jump again, tossing her over my shoulder while she screamed bloody murder. She giggled like a hyena as I plonked her down outside my bedroom with a thump. "Why don't you go and get dressed or something?"

I swear that child lived just to give me hell.

After laying my clothes out for the day, I took a shower. Rather than rushing like I usually did, I took my time.

I washed every part of my body - twice. And after I was satisfied that every single part of me was squeaky clean, I got out and dried myself thoroughly, making sure to get between my toes and behind my ears. I shaved, making sure to trim my nose hair. I cut my toenails and applied deodorant.

Twice.

It was going to be a big day and I had to look sharp, and smell good.

I'd been with KID for almost five years. I'd worked my way through various positions, from lowly photocopy boy, all the way to sales manager. But finally, my day had come. I had paid my dues, and my ship was coming in. I, Edward Cullen, would ascend to Chief Risk Officer for the New York division of Kuntz Insurance Division.

I checked my reflection once more. Nice suit, plain tie, clean and tidy hair. Perfect.

I strolled into the kitchen with a little more spring in my step than usual. "Morning little man," I said, waving to my eighteen-month old nephew. Like always, his face, his bib and his high chair were all covered with Cheerios and milk. I doubted if he actually got any in his mouth.

"Oh, Lashawn," whined Alice as she swooped into the kitchen, looking decidedly more dressed up than usual for so early in the morning. Of course, for Alice, dressed up meant a skirt longer than the bottom of her ass cheeks, and a top that wasn't a hoodie.

I sipped my coffee as I watched my sister clean up her youngest, removing all the Cheerios he'd stuffed up his nose.

"You gotta take the kids this morning, Edward," said Alice, trying to stop Janetta from wriggling as she tied her hair up.

I shook my head. "You know I have a big day today. I have to be there early, I told you this."

Alice frowned, letting Janetta off the stool and pulling Lashawn out of his high chair. "No you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

It was like sixth grade all over again.

Alice huffed loudly as she hoisted her son up higher on her hip. "Whatever, Edward. What am I s'posed to do now, huh? I got an appointment with my family lawyer at nine. Then I promised Rose I would go with her to this stupid Zumba class at eleven."

I looked at Lashawn's little face as he gurgled loudly, drool bubbling between his pink little lips.

"Pwease, Uncle Edward?" cooed Alice, waving his chubby little hand at me.

"Don't use him against me like that!" I scowled as I checked my watch and sighed loudly, holding my arms out for him. "Fine. But they need to be ready to go in ten minutes."

Alice thanked me profusely as she dashed out of the kitchen, almost slipping on a Cheerio.

If I didn't love her kids so much, I would have kicked her backside back to her ex-husband's house a long time ago.

Alice had been living with me since she split with her husband Jasper almost six months ago. And since our parents had sold their house upstate for a condo in Florida, I let her move in with me until she could find something else. But like I said, that was six months ago.

In all honesty, KID paid me well, which meant I had a pretty decent sized house with lots of space out back for the kids, as well as separate living areas for me when they got to be too much.

Of course, what came with my younger sister and her kids was noise, crying, toys all over the place and grubby fingerprints on every surface they could reach. As much as I loved her, I couldn't wait for things to be settled so that I could have the house to myself again.

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><p>"What are you giggling about back there?" I asked, trying to look in the rear view mirror at the two kids strapped in the back.<p>

Janetta shook her head, covering her mouth as she giggled some more.

I glanced at the clock impatiently. Who knew school traffic could be this bad?

Another round of giggles erupted again. "What are you doing, Netty?" I asked, completely unable to stop myself from smiling at her cute little girlie giggling.

"Lashawn is saying bad words," she laughed.

Lashawn clapped his hands together, squealing.

"What's he saying?" I asked, a little worried that maybe I had been the one to slip.

She shook her head, refusing to say the word.

I took a deep cleansing breath. The child frustrated me no end. "You have to tell me, Netty."

Janetta leaned forward, cupping her hands around her mouth. "Sh-i-t," she whispered loudly.

Hearing her say the word, Lashawn started bouncing up and down, clapping his hands together as he echoed her over and over. "Shit. Shit. Shit..."

"Lashawn! Janetta, where did you learn that word?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

Janetta shrugged. "Mommy says it sometimes."

I was surprised they hadn't picked up something worse. Alice had a filthy mouth, especially when she was angry. She'd been the one to introduce the word 'fuckballs' into my family's vocabulary. She also liked 'mother shitter', and the always wonderful 'cunt muffin'.

"Well, don't say it anymore, okay? It's a word for mommies and daddies," I admonished, trying to keep a straight face.

It was kind of funny watching Lashawn bounce up and down squealing the word 'shit' loudly.

"What does it mean?" she asked, looking at me through the rear view mirror.

I scratched my head, trying to think of an appropriate answer. "It means..." I so desperately wanted to be at work right at that moment. "It means poop. But it's a bad word and only adults can use it, okay?"

Janetta nodded, seemingly content with my answer, thank God!

With a hug and a wave, I dropped her at the front gate, making sure to watch her until she walked through the doors, and then made my way to Lashawn's day care centre.

I'd dropped my nephew a few times before, and it always felt like running the gauntlet. Give a single man a baby an apparently it makes him a homing beacon for single moms. They seemed to like to touch my arm and laugh hysterically at everything I said, even if it wasn't funny.

Holding him in one arm, I ducked and weaved through the centre like I was James Bond; hiding behind walls and peering around corners. I signed Lashawn in and high-tailed it into his room, barely stopping to speak to his carer. Luckily for me, I got out of there unscathed. Not that I had anything against single moms, per se. I just wasn't in the market for one.

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><p>"Edward?"<p>

I turned to see Irina, the CEO's secretary looking at me expectantly. "He's ready to see you now," she nodded, ushering me to the office.

I straightened my tie and knocked on the door quietly before stepping into the office.

"Edward!" he basically yelled across the office.

Kuntz was an overweight, balding man with a propensity to spit when he spoke. I was lucky that I never had to spend a great deal of time with him. Until now.

"I think you know why you're here, Edward," he spat. Literally; a little glob of shiny saliva landing on his dark wood desktop.

I nodded, adjusting myself so that I wasn't sitting directly in his line of fire. "I think so, Mr. Kuntz."

"Please, Edward, call me Richard," he replied with a smile as he wiped his handkerchief across his shiny forehead.

"Richard," I corrected, forcing a smile back.

"You've been with us for five years now, Edward. And here at KID we like to award our valued staff. So we think you would be better suited to something a little more senior. Something along the lines of CRO?"

I couldn't help but smile. "That does sound good."

"Can I take that smile as an 'I'll do it'?"

I nodded quickly. "Of course. I'd love the position."

"Excellent," said Richard, clapping his hands together. "There are a few things I'd like to go over with you. Being Chief Risk Officer is a big job. It has it's perks, but it's also a lot of hard work. So I'll leave it with you for the weekend. Let it all settle in, give you some time to think about it. And then first thing Monday morning, we'll talk about all the finer details."

I stood as he rounded the desk, clamping his hand on my shoulder as he shook my hand. "Well done, son," he said, and I had to clench my teeth to stop my eye from squinting as a little ball of spit landed on my cheek.

"Thank you, Richard. You won't regret it."

"I hope not. Anyway, I don't mean to be rude, but it's almost five and I have a dinner date with my wife."

"Oh, well, enjoy your night, and have a great weekend," I said, my hand itching to wipe my face.

"You too, Edward. Go out and celebrate. Live a little!" he replied, showing the sweat stains on his shirt as he waved.

I smiled politely at Irina as I left the office and made my way to the staff bathrooms. As soon as I got in there, I grabbed a sheet of paper towel and scrubbed my face as hard as I could. It made me shudder to think I would have to spend more time with Richard. I would have to invest in a SWAT helmet, or at the very least, my own personal sneeze guard. Anything to stop his saliva from splattering all over my face.

As I tidied my desk for what could possibly have been the last time, Harry from accounts stopped beside me. "You going to come out and celebrate, Mr. Big-shot?"

I shrugged. I wasn't really the partying type. I was rather hoping to go home and celebrate with some takeaway Thai and an X-Files marathon.

"Ummm..."

"Come on, Ed," he pleaded. "Just come for one drink."

I looked at the time. It _was _only six o'clock, I really didn't have any reason to say no.

"Sure, why not?"

Of course, one drink turned into two drinks, which turned into six, which turned into shots. And then suddenly, I found myself waiting in line at a gay bar with six co-workers.

"You'll love this place, Edward," said Herbie, or Henry, or whatever his name was.

I looked around at the sparkly walls and half naked men, confused as to why he thought this type of bar would be my kind of place. The music was pretty cool though, and everyone was super nice, even if I did have to fend off a few unwanted advances.

It seemed that all I got were unwanted advances lately. I very rarely met truly nice girls, which was all I wanted. I had no particular preference as to hair colour or breast-size. I just wanted someone I could hold an intelligent conversation with. But New York seemed to be full of women who were only out for money, with their silicone enhanced breasts and fish-lips. Most of them were nice to look at, but when it came down to what was inside, they were lacking.

I picked up my glass and swallowed the last of my drink, wincing as a nasty chalky taste registered in my mouth.

"Did you just drink my drink?" asked a tall blonde guy standing next to me.

I looked down at the glass and then at the bar, where _my _drink sat, almost empty.

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry," I spluttered. "Let me buy you another one."

The guy looked at me strangely as he took his empty glass from my hand, and gazed into it, almost like he was checking if it was actually all gone. With a little sigh, he just shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me. "I'll have a G&T with lime, please handsome."

I ordered the drink and apologized again.

"I'm Riley," he said, holding out his hand, the back of it upturned towards me.

I took his hand awkwardly and shook it, watching as a disappointed look crossed Riley's face.

He sighed loudly again. "I think I should tell you. That glass you finished off had a little something extra in it."

It took a second for it to register in my alcohol-addled brain. "What was in it?"

_Oh god,_I thought. Had he roofie'd me? Was he going to take me home and do bad things to me?

"Just a little candy, sweetheart. Nothing to worry about," he replied.

"Candy?"

He rolled his eyes. "You know? Dancing shoes?"

"Huh?"

"MDMA?"

Was there a gay dude secret language? Needless to say, I was having trouble computing.

"You've lost me."

"Ecstasy," he said, throwing his hands up in the air.

My blood froze in my veins. "Ecstasy?"

He shrugged. Shrugged! Like it was no big deal that I had an illegal substance currently making its way into my bloodstream.

"Just have another drink and relax. You look like you need to loosen up a little."

"Oh my God! Am I going to be okay?" I almost squealed.

"Okay?" He laughed. Laughed! "You'll be more than okay. You'll be wonderful. You'll be sparkly!"

But I didn't want to be sparkly. I wanted to be Edward!

Freaking out, I ran straight into the men's bathroom, bypassing the urinals for the privacy of a stall.

As much as I wretched and heaved, I couldn't get a damn thing up. Damn my brilliant iron-stomach! Why couldn't I have the digestive tract of a teenager with an eating disorder?

With a sigh, I closed the lid of the toilet with my foot and sat on it, resting my head in my hands.

How had my night gotten so crazy? _"Just one drink" _ they said. _"Have one more",_they said. Stupid pushy co-workers with their stupid pushy opinions.

Sitting in the stall, I started to realize how drunk I really was. Even as I sat on the lid of the toilet, I was swaying a little. But even in my drunken stupor, I realized I had two options.

One, get the hell out of the club and get home so that I could trip out in the comfort of my own closet, cowering in the corner under a blanket until it wore off. This seemed like a smart choice. Alice would be asleep and other than the guy at the bar, no one would be the wiser.

My second choice was to remain in the men's bathroom of the club, watching my fingers wiggle in front of my face.

I had HUGE hands. And man, my fingers were long. Like, super long.

_Why do they call them fingers anyway?_ I asked myself._ You never see them 'fing'._

Suddenly, everything was okay. Everything was going to be oooo-kay.

I stood up off the toilet, laughing to myself when it took me three goes to undo the latch on the door of the stall. Two nice looking men were making out against one of the sinks. They seemed pretty into each other, but I smiled at them anyway.

The cool water on my hands was refreshing, the way the water slipped over the backs of my hands and between my fingers was very soothing. Looking up into the mirror, I was surprised to see myself smiling a big goofy grin. Whatever I did, I just couldn't wipe it off my face! I didn't even realize that I'd been standing with my hands under the cold tap for ages until the nice blond guy came in and turned it off for me.

"Come on, Sparkles," he said, taking me by the hand. "Let's dance."

So I did. I danced like my feet were on fire. I pulled out all the stops and broke out some of my best dance moves; the dice, the sprinkler, the lawnmower and the running man. Even the cool guys I was dancing with thought I was a great dancer; they kept yelling and trying to slap me on the ass.

I was on fire!

No, literally, it was _so _hot in the club that I felt like I was on fire. Did they realize it was the middle of summer? Were gay men like Hot Pockets; best served warm? Whatever it was, it made me take off my tie and open a few buttons.

My stomach kept flip-flopping maniacally, almost like a nervous tension, but coupled with the erratic beating of my heart - it felt more like excitement, just intensified about a million times. It was like I'd ingested an entire greenhouse of butterflies. Of course, this thought had me rambling to some stranger about actual butterflies in my stomach. Would I have to eat a lizard to eat the butterflies? But then what ate lizards?

I was sure I was going to end up like the old lady who swallowed fly.

And as well as the increased body temperature and jittery feeling, it was like all of my inhibitions had just floated away - I was totally carefree!

The trouble with being carefree was that I wanted to talk to everyone - about nothing in particular. I just couldn't stop my mouth from moving. I even had a lengthy conversation with the bouncer about my promotion at work, but even though he didn't say anything, I could tell he was totally pumped for me.

Most of my other co-workers had left a few hours before, something about it being a work night. But I was the boss man now!

I wanted to dance like a boss!

"Oh my God, touch my face!" squealed a girlish voice behind me.

I turned to see a short brunette girl standing behind me, her eyes huge like dinner plates as they sparkled in the disco lights.

Reaching out slowly, I ran my fingertips across her cheek. She was right, her skin _was _soft!

My eyes popped open at the feel of it under my fingers. "Oh my God."

"I know, right?" she said, nodding enthusiastically. "How soft is my fucking skin?"

I stepped a little closer, running both of my hands over her cheeks. It was really, really soft. And when I poked it gently with my finger, it sprang back like elastic - no nasty injections in there.

"I liked your dancing," she said over the music, her eyes wide with excitement. She was a really happy person. In fact, a lot of people at the club were really excited, they all seemed to be really into the music and there was lots of kissing going on.

"Thanks. I like your skin," I replied, still running my fingers over her face.

Giggling, she took my hand and used it to spin herself under my arm like a ballerina. A slightly wobbly, and somewhat uncoordinated ballerina.

"I love this club!" she said with a laugh. I nodded in agreement. It was a mighty fine establishment, but I was still kind of hooked on her. So petite and ethereal, glowing in the bright lights.

"You know what's a funny word?" she asked, coming to a grinding halt, her fingers still intertwined with mine.

"What?" I asked, brushing the back of my fingers over her cheek again, letting them trail down the soft, smooth skin of her neck. I wanted to kiss her so much that my lips were tingling, like they were trying to urge me on.

I felt her throat constrict under my fingers as she swallowed.

"Uh...," her eyes rolled back a little and she smiled. "I forget."

My head swirled and my heart raced as she looked up at me. "You're so much prettier than I am," she gasped.

"No way," I argued, running my hands through her soft hair, like brown silk gliding between my fingers. "You're beautiful."

She suddenly looked a little perplexed, but still, she kept dancing. "Do you think I'm prettier than everyone else here?"

I looked around. I supposed the men would have been attractive. There seemed to be a lot of skin on display, lots of chiseled abs and ripped pecs. But even if I was gay, I still would have said she was the loveliest thing in the room.

"I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

She stopped dancing mid-step. "Would you lie on me?" she asked.

"Umm, sure, why not," I answered, not entirely sure what she meant.

Whatever I said seemed to be exactly what she wanted to hear. She grabbed me by the shirt and kissed me hard, making my knees go all wobbly like jelly.

It felt like the entire room was spinning around us, my head whirled and my heart raced. Just the taste of her on my lips, the pressure of her mouth against mine was absolute bliss. I had never experienced anything like it before.

I pulled away just long enough for her to move her lips across my jaw towards my ear. Gripping my shirt tightly, she lowered my ear to her mouth, the feeling of her hot breath fanning over my ear and down my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

"Take me back to your place."

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><p><strong>So, as you can see, the story will switch between Edward and Bella's point of view.<strong>

**That's it.**

**See you soon, and don't forget to leave me a review if the mood hits you.**

**xxx Wink**


	3. Taxi Rides & Spooning

**Thanks to Krystle for her beta prowess. **

**And also to AlbyMangroves for not loosing her shit with me over my semi colon catastrophe. Which is apparently what happens when you have too much spare time.**

**xxx Wink**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I don't own Twilight, or it's characters, a Ms Meyer does. Also, please don't copy or reproduce my work elsewhere. It takes my entire brain cell just to write this, and stealing is no fun.

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><p><strong>Chapter Three - Taxi Rides and Spooning<strong>

**BPOV**

It wasn't thick and it wasn't thin; it was just kind of perfect.

Long and mouth-wateringly soft, it just begged to be licked all the way to the top. It really was very, very beautiful, and I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. I wanted to run my tongue all over its dips and curves, taste the skin and feel the texture of it on my lips.

Especially the tiny little mole right where his hair met his neck.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have a totally awesome neck?" I asked as I ran a finger across the soft skin below his ear. Edward groaned quietly at my touch as his fingers continued to toy with the ends of my hair.

"It's so shiny," he whispered, seemingly intent on looking at every glossy strand of hair I had.

Ignoring the requests from the cab driver to get back in my own seat, I was basically sitting in Edward's lap as we drove towards his place. We had barely stopped kissing since we'd left the club, only breaking for air so that I could latch onto his ridiculously awesome neck.

His skin was just so warm under my lips. Kind of salty, too, but in a good way, not in a french fries kind of way. Just tasty.

His whole body was ten kinds of amazing. Lean legs under dark slacks, long arms peeking out of a crisp white shirt. Dark, thick lashes on prominent cheekbones; he was made of angles.

Such pretty, well formed angles.

Except for his hair.

His hair looked like it might be a light shade of auburn; a cross between a light brown and a rusty colour. But it was too busy being shellacked under layers of hair product to really show. I wanted to drag my fingers through it and mess it up, watch it fall over his forehead and flop into his eyes.

I barely noticed when the cab pulled up in a quiet street. I was too busy watching Edward looking at me.

I watched his eyes, dazzling, even in the dim light of the backseat, as they followed his fingers, moving up my arm and across my exposed collar bone. His touch made me shiver, made me burn, made a groan rumble deep in my chest. Seemingly brought out of his trance by my terrible, whore-like moaning, he shoved a handful of bills at the driver and pulled me out of the cab.

Edward basically yanked me out of the car, covering my mouth with his hand as I laughed, blowing kisses and yelling my thanks to the driver.

"Shhh," he said, pressing a finger to his lips - his perfect, soft, tasty lips. He laughed and uncovered my mouth as I started to lick the inside of his palm. "You have to be quiet."

I closed my mouth, pretending to zip it up and throw away the key.

As I finally stopped staring at the blindingly handsome man in front of me, I took a good look at my surroundings.

Manicured lawns, white picket fences - it was like the _Stepford Wives_ and _Leave It To Beaver _had a baby, and that baby vomited all over uptown New York.

"Holy shit," I gasped, almost falling on the grass as I looked up at the enormous house in front of me. "Dude! You live in a mansion!"

Ignoring me, Edward grabbed my hand and led me through a terrace door and into a large living area, complete with plush sofas and the biggest flat screen TV I had ever seen. I couldn't stop touching things, running my hands over the soft leather upholstery of the sofa and along the smooth, cold marble bench-top.

Suddenly I was spun around, my lips once again pressed against Edward's.

So soft. So very, very soft.

"Your lips are so...soft," he whispered, echoing my thoughts exactly. For a moment I got a little paranoid I'd been saying it out loud, but once again lost all train of thought when he brushed his thumb over my bottom lip, letting it slide into my mouth. Edward groaned quietly as I bit down on his thumb, gently at first, but firmer as my lips closed, my tongue swirling around the tip.

My underwear almost combusted when he slipped his thumb from my mouth, and slowly put it in his own; his eyes closing as he tasted me on his finger.

If it hadn't been as dark as it was, he would have noticed my nipples practically tearing their way out of my top. I wanted to rub them all over him so badly. Before I knew it, we were off again, Edward still tugging on my hand as he pointed out various rooms as we passed.

We passed huge French doors that lead out into a darkened courtyard, complete with barbecue area and Jacuzzi. We passed a guest room and a home office, as well as what looked to be more bedrooms, all closed up and quiet.

We almost didn't make it up the stairs as Edward pulled me down onto the soft, plush carpet, pressing me against into the stairs. Only once did I mention the softness of the carpet, running my hands over the thick pile.

Thick, soft, fluffy; so nice.

In the end, Edward did get me up off the floor, tugging me down a long hallway.

"Oh, shit! We should go swimming!" I said, awe-struck as we passed an enormous picture window, the light from the moon casting glittering ripples over a huge in-ground pool. In fact, I was still gazing at the view of the pool when I ran right into his chest, my nose smashing painfully right into his sternum.

"No swimming," he said quietly before pulling me into another room and closing the door behind us.

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I realized that I was standing in the middle of a huge master bedroom, complete with a window seat and yet another flat screen TV.

As much as I wanted to look around, rifle through his things and maybe shove my face in his shirt drawer, all I could look at was him, eyes dark and cheeks tinged with pink as he panted lightly.

The click of the lock was the last thing I heard before I launched myself at him like some alien, attaching myself to his body with my arms and legs wrapped around him like tentacles.

Somehow, we got to the bed without falling over. And then there was kissing. Lots and lots of kissing.

And fingers under shirts, like a million tiny pinpricks erupting over sensitive flesh.

Lips; kissing, sucking, marking.

Bare skin. No shirt, no silky top, no bra, just over-heated skin on skin.

"You're so pretty," I murmured, running my fingertips down the flat planes of his stomach, watching the muscles flex as I neared the waistband of his briefs. I looked up at him, bubbling with excitement when he groaned at my feather-light touch.

It had been so long since I'd touched a guy; it was nice to know that I still had it.

I was just about to go the full grope, when he suddenly flipped us over, pinning me beneath his long body. "Your fingers are so soft and amazing," he whispered, kissing each one gently.

"I know," I said, nodding in agreement, having just hours earlier realized that I did, in fact, have awesome fingers.

Edward sat up on his haunches, looking down at me. "My hands are so big," he mused, both of us watching as they slid up my outer leg, his hands encompassing almost my entire thigh. I shuddered as the heat from his hands slipped up the back of my legs, palming the bare skin of my ass as he roughly pulled me closer to him.

Groaning turned into kissing again. Kissing into groping. Groping into shameless dry humping and grabby hands. I could feel him pressed against my most sensitive areas, which, thanks to the illicit drugs I'd partaken in, were lit up like a fucking Christmas tree, practically humming as he pressed himself into me.

"Oh my God," Edward groaned, his voice quiet but raspy in my ear as he buried his head in the crook of my neck. "I want to be inside of you so bad. I think I'm going to explode if I don't. Like Skittles bursting out of a rainbow."

A loud squeaky-groan rattled out of my throat. "I fucking love Skittles."

"Do you have protection?" I whispered, trying to pull him down and push myself against him at the same time.

He blinked slowly, thinking. I could practically hear him cataloging every place he may have had condoms stashed, checking them all off one by one.

Suddenly, his eyes flew open and he grinned triumphantly. "I do!"

With an ungraceful thump, he slid off the bed and started rummaging through the bedside table.

"It's here somewhere," he mumbled.

I was so busy rubbing my hands all over his bajillion thread count sheets, that I almost shit the bed when he suddenly yelled 'Aha!' holding up a single foil-wrapped condom. I clapped happily, immediately enraptured by the moonlight bouncing off of my skin. From the corner of my eye I saw Edward, brows furrowed in concentration as he knelt beside the bed, looking down at his crotch, which sadly for me was just out of view. He looked so intense as he wrangled the piece of rubber. Watching him so deep in thought, lips pouting, brow wrinkled, turned the slight pulsing between my legs into a persistent, but nonetheless pleasurable thumping. Shock waves of desire rippled down my legs and up into my stomach. I swear, if my box had a voice, it would have been screaming at Edward to hurry the fuck up.

"What are you doing?" I groaned, stealthily sliding my hands down my stomach, contemplating touching myself to try and sate some of the ache.

"Stupid thing," he mumbled. "It's been a while, just give me a second."

He looked up at me from beside the bed, his hand still wrapped around his cock as his eyes locked on my fingers, watching they slid over my thighs, inching closer to where I wanted him to be.

"Fuck," he spat, trying to watch me and his hands at the same time. The determined look in his eyes just drove me even madder, my entire body convulsing as a strong shudder ran the length of my spine. He was so motherfucking attractive it made my toes curl and my lady parts throb.

"Oh, God," I moaned, trying to spur him on, to make his hands work faster to get the damned condom on. "What are you doing?" I was trying not to whine, really. I just wanted him inside of me so much that it was starting to hurt.

His head lolled backwards as he grunted in frustration, and the sight of his neck, straining and tight as his jaw clenched tightly, made me moan even louder.

"My hands are shaking...," he mumbled as he looked down again, his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth as he concentrated. "I can't get it..."

I bit my lip as my fingers increased their pressure ever so slightly, needy fingers finding places that made me quiver and moan. "Ssshit," I hissed. "Just do it already."

Edward's head snapped up. "Oh, right. Okay." And with a final flick of his wrist, he pulled himself up on to the bed, and lowered himself over me again, his fingers replacing mine at the apex of my legs.

It was bliss. Finally, the weight of someone on top of me. Specifically, the warm, heavy body of a man. The pressure on my lower body, the fingers digging into my hips, I could have stayed like that for hours. The feeling of his body on mine made me sigh with relief, like scratching niggling itch.

But as he positioned himself between my legs, his lips trailing kisses down my neck as he pushed my legs wider, I almost exploded at the feeling of something other than my own fingers inside of me.

Stretching me, filling me, hot and smooth, hard and soft all at once.

Over and over he filled me, sending jolts of pure ecstasy thundering through my body with every thrust. I couldn't stop the moaning, completely incoherent and nonsensical noises echoed around the room as I met his hips with mine, my hands wrapped around his ass as he drove it home.

"Holy shit," he grunted, a frown forming on his goddamned perfect forehead. "This is lasting forever. I think I just doubled my best time ever!"

"Oh, fuck. Yeah you are," I panted, lost in sensation and seconds away from exploding into rainbow colored confectionery. "Amazing, so good..."

A scream rocketed from my chest as the heat of my orgasm engulfed me.

Rockets blasted off.

Fireworks exploded.

Fairies were created, or grown, or whatever happens when they magically appear.

I think I might even have blacked out for a few seconds as wave after wave of crushing euphoria washed over me. It was earth-shattering, mind-blowing, and abso-fucking-lutely perfect.

My senses returned to me as Edward collapsed onto the bed beside me, panting hard, a smile still plastered across his face.

"Wow," he gasped.

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah."

Still breathing heavily, Edward rolled his head to one side; his panty-melting smile glinting at me in the dark.

"That was...I mean...you were...and I was..."

I laughed. "I know."

He slapped his hand on his forehead. "I just...that thing you did? That thing you do with your hands? Holy shit!"

Pride swelled in my chest. "You were pretty fuck-awesome yourself there, champ."

Edward rolled on to his side, smirking as he wrapped his hand around my waist, pulling me towards him. "That was nothing."

And so my dry spell was officially over. Obliterated. Blown right out of the fucking water. And, to top it all off, we even spooned afterwards. It was awesome.

Even if I was the big spoon.

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><p><strong>Hands up if you're the big spoon too. I'm always the big spoon. I'm more of a hug and roll kinda gal.<strong>

**So...someone very kindly nominated Lessons Extracted for an Emerging Swan Award. 'Best Humor - Complete'. I KNOW RIGHT? Amaze-balls.**

**I think the voting is open until the 4th. I know it's late notice, but if you did want to vote, you can go here. emergingswanawards(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/p/voting(DOT)html**

**Thank you to everyone who reviews also. I am getting to replies, I promise :)**


	4. Presumptuous Coffee

**Evening! Sorry for the lateness. **

**Thanks goes to Krystle and AlbyMangroves for their beta skills. Any errors are all mine. MINE I TELL YOU!**

**Enjoy :)**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I don't own much. Although I did buy some cool jeans the other day. SMeyer and Judd Apatow own the whole shamozzle.<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter Four - Presumptuous Coffee<br>**

**EPOV**

_Teaspoon and a half of coffee. One teaspoon of Equal. A tablespoon of milk. Stir three times clockwise and twice counter-clockwise._

A one night stand.

Me!

I stared down into my coffee, trying not to look at the cup beside it as it stared back at me, mocking me. Judging me with its milky, milky presumptions.

"You don't know me," I hissed at the mug before grabbing it by the handle and carrying it upstairs.

She was still dead to the world when I tiptoed quietly back into the bedroom, her face buried in my pillows like a burrowing animal of some sort. I placed the cup down on the nightstand quietly as I looked her over again. The bed sheet was wrapped around her like a vine, tangled between her legs, covering her bottom and her lower back before disappearing under her chest. She was not entirely unattractive. Nice legs, cute butt, and from what I remembered, quite a handful in bed.

But it was seven thirty on a Friday morning - and cute butt or not - I had to be at work in exactly two hours, and she was snoring like a freight train.

I could hear Alice downstairs with the kids, no doubt getting them ready for school and day care. She had no idea that I'd brought someone home with me, and I had absolutely no intentions of telling her. There was no way that woman would let me live it down.

My plan was to get Bella up and in the shower as soon as possible, and hopefully Alice would be gone by the time I was ready to leave for work.

I poked her shoulder gently with my index finger .

"Fuck off, Jess," she grumbled into the pillow.

I pulled my hand back, deciding to take another approach.

"Bella," I whispered, nudging her softly.

"I said fuck off, Jess!" she said a little more loudly, throwing a hand out to the side, narrowly missing my head.

_Okaaaay_.

It seemed that gentle and quiet was not having its desired effect.

"Hey! Wake up," I said a little louder, shaking her shoulder with my hand.

With a loud slurp and a groan, she lifted her head out of the pillow; one eye still scrunched shut as she looked up at me.

"Oh, hi," she rasped with a slow smile. I gave her a moment, watching as she looked around, no doubt taking in her unfamiliar surroundings. After a moment, her gaze zeroed in on me again slowly working its way up my body.

It was like being sized up by a hungry lioness. I didn't know whether to run or strike a pose. I cleared my throat, averting my gaze when the silence became a little too awkward.

"This your place...um...I want to say...Elwood?"

"It's Edward, actually. And yes, this is my place," I answered, both shocked and upset that she didn't even remember my name.

"Edward," she repeated, nodding her head. Slowly, she turned her head, lifting the sheet that covered her body.

"Huh. I'm naked," she mused.

"Uh." I cleared my throat, looking out of the corner of my eye, noticing that she'd dropped the sheet back down. "Yeah."

"Oh, shit," she said with a giggle. "Did we have sex?"

My God. How much did she drink? For a millisecond, I contemplated telling her that we didn't have sex, thereby releasing myself from the post-sex awkwardness. Maybe I could say that I just brought her home to sleep it off, and slept on the couch, leaving her in my bed? But then again, how would I explain her nakedness? Too many flaws in that plan, that was for sure. I figured the truth was always best - that we both got ridiculously drunk, or in my case high - the night before, and proceeded to have mind-blowing, window-rattling sex.

I nodded. "Yes. Yes we did."

"Nice," she commented with a triumphant grin. "What time is it?"

I looked down at my watch. "About 7:30."

Bella groaned and flopped her head back into my pillow.

The one that now had a wet patch where she had been drooling.

"Why the fuck are we awake? More sleep, Edward. More sleep."

I looked down at her, confused. "But it's Friday. I have to go to work. Don't you need to get to work or something?"

She lifted her head again, this time grimacing. "Um. No. No work for me today."

Did she have Fridays off? If so, where did she work and how could I get a job there?

After coercing her with coffee and the promise of a hot shower, I did end up getting her out of bed. Eventually. Which just reminded me why, unlike Alice, I didn't have children. Because, like Bella, children were hard work.

I had to give her one of my old t-shirts, since I'd ripped hers off of her the night before. Just looking at the torn up blouse on the floor made my face flush red. Who was that guy? It most certainly wasn't me. I did not rip clothes from women's bodies.

As I sat on the bed waiting for her to emerge from the bathroom, I tried to think of nice ways to let her down. I mean, she was somewhat nice. A little on the unhinged side, but still nice. But apart from the fact that my new position at KID would mean longer working hours and more responsibility for me. Simply put, I just didn't have time for a relationship.

Although she did have a great body and nice hair - all shiny and soft. And, really, no one is at their best after a big night out, all bad breath and splitting headaches. Maybe she would grow on me?

I looked up as my bathroom door swung open; the smell of my shower gel wafting into the bedroom.

"Whoa," she groaned, smacking her lips together as she rubbed her stomach. "I just yacked so fucking much."

_Problem solved._

I opened my mouth to respond, but my brain was stunned into silence. Was it normal for girls to speak like that? I'm sure my mother never spoke like that. Alice maybe, but never any of the women I'd brought home before. I hadn't noticed a set of balls on her, and I'd paid pretty close attention to that area, I _think_ I would have noticed them.

"I feel way better, though," she continued, shoving her personal effects into her pockets. "I used your toothbrush too. I hope that was okay?"

_Burn toothbrush. In fact, burn all tooth hygiene implements, just in case._

"Sure."

As hot as she was, and as amazing as the sex had been - _seriously,_ the girl had little-to-no gag reflex - I wanted her out of my bedroom and into a cab. She made me nervous. I had no idea what she was going to say or do next. She was confusing and I couldn't figure her out. Like the Rubik's cube of women. Frustrating and kind of annoying.

After deciding that the coast was clear, I led Bella downstairs, trying to not blush as we passed the many places that we'd made out the night before.

"This is the coolest fucking pad ever, Wardo," she said as she followed me through the house.

"Thank you. And it's Edward. Just Edward."

I heard her snort behind me. "Okay, whatever. You live here all by yourself, Eddy? This is a big house just for one person."

"No, I don't live alone. And please, just call me Edward."

I rounded the corner into the kitchen, and stopped so quickly that Bella ran right into me with a muffled 'oomph'. I didn't think the morning could get any worse. But apparently, I was wrong.

There, sitting around the breakfast bench, were Alice, her ex-husband Jasper, and their children. Of course, the one morning I needed to sneak a crazy one-night stand out the back door was the morning that they're all quiet as mice.

Alice looked up from feeding Lashawn, the spoon hanging mid-air as she locked her eyes on us. I could already see the ideas forming in her head, all the ribbing and sly jokes formulating in her evil mind. I would be hearing about this for months.

"Hey! I'm Bella," she piped up from beside me, waving politely at Jasper and Alice.

"Sup'," replied Alice, tilting her head at Bella.

"Oh my God! Are these..." she pointed to the kids and then to me, questioningly.

"No, no..."

"Aw, hell no!" squawked Alice.

"Bella this is my sister Alice, and her husband Jasper..."

"Ex-husband," both Jasper and Alice interrupted, shooting venomous looks at each other over the breakfast bar.

I rolled my eyes at both of them. "Sorry - ex-husband. And these are _their _two children Janetta and Lashawn."

Bella waved at the kids as Jasper leaned forward, extending a fist toward her. "Wasup', girl?"

"Uh...what's up," Bella replied, awkwardly bumping her fist against his. I could see her trying to make sense of Alice and Jasper: the way they dressed, the way they spoke, even the way they held themselves. I'd forgotten that to the outside world, Jasper and Alice might have seemed a bit - odd. But to me, living with them twenty-four-seven, it became the norm.

"Yo, Ed. Props on the promotion, homeboy," drawled Jasper, reaching out a hand to shake mine.

"Thank you, Jasper," I replied, trying to inch my way towards the door, keeping Bella tucked behind me. There was no way in hell I was letting Bella sit down to breakfast with my family. As strange as I thought Bella was, I didn't think she was quite ready to manage Alice.

"You want to go out for breakfast?" I asked Bella quietly, desperate to get her out of my house.

"Sure," she replied, still looking over at my sister in wonder. I could practically hear her brain ticking over.

"Okay then," I said, ushering Bella through the kitchen towards the front door. "I'll see you later tonight, Alice. Jasper...I'll...see you."

"Later dawg," yelled Jasper, throwing me some gang sign with his hand.

As she buckled herself into the passenger side of the car, Bella was the quietest I'd seen her.

After a moment she looked over at me, opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but then closed it again, turning back to face the windshield.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, she took a deep breath and turned to me.

"You know your sister thinks she's Lil' Kim, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"And her husband -"

"Ex-husband."

"Sorry, ex-husband. Does he think he's Snoop Dogg?"

I nodded again, waiting for the laughter that would no doubt follow. But to my surprise, she just nodded slowly and turned back to look out the window. She truly was a strange creature. Snarky one minute, surprisingly quiet the next.

With an hour still to spare, I pulled into a little cafe a few blocks from work. It was quiet and they made good breakfast, but most importantly, there was no way that anyone from work might be there. Bella had originally opted for just a coffee, but when it was obvious that I was paying - she changed her order.

Cheapskate.

"I can't believe you're not hungover or anything," Bella said as she slid into the booth across from me. "I feel like ass."

I just forced a smile and nodded as the waitress delivered our breakfasts. Me: whole-wheat toast with eggs. Bella: waffles with bacon, eggs, maple syrup and a side of hash browns.

"You know," she said around a mouthful of syrupy waffles. "My friend Jessica says the best thing for a hangover is weed. You smoke weed Edward?

I almost choked on my eggs. I did _not _remember her being this crass the night before. She'd seemed so cute and innocent. But now? Now she was a girl who snored, vomited, chewed with her mouth open, and made loud and inappropriate conversation in diners.

She was the antichrist.

I tried to gulp my coffee down faster, but it was scalding hot, and I just ended up burning my mouth. Realizing that I couldn't just ignore her question, I shook my head.

"No. I don't smoke."

"At all?"

"No."

"You just take Ecstasy?" she said, frowning.

I frowned back, hoping no one had heard. "That was a one time thing. An accident."

She arched an eyebrow at me, her fork hovering half way to her mouth, syrup dripping off the bacon and back onto the plate with a splash. "You...accidentally...took Ecstasy?"

I blew a breath out slowly, suppressing the urge to throw my breakfast at her and run.

"I drank someone else's drink. It was in the drink."

She eyed me suspiciously, nodding slowly, giving me the distinct feeling that she didn't believe a word I'd said. But, I had neither the time, nor the want, to care. It was eight thirty, and therefore, time to wrap it up.

I signalled the waitress for the check, already taking my wallet out of my jacket pocket.

"Last night was so much fun," Bella said, smiling at me as she rubbed her stomach. "Well, what I can remember of it anyway."

I pulled a little stack of cash out of my wallet, counting, and then recounting to make sure I'd left enough for a tip. "Right, yeah. Yeah, it was fun. I had a great time," I replied, trying to get the waitress's attention again.

"Man, I'm stuffed," she groaned, still rubbing her stomach. "So...," she shrugged, like she had all the time in the world.

Didn't this woman have somewhere to be? Manning a reception desk somewhere? Being a bitchy phone operator?

"What do you do, Edward?" she asked.

I looked back down at my watch. I had approximately twenty minutes to pay the bill, shake the bat shit crazy girl sitting across from me, and get to work. "I, uh...I work for an insurance agency." The damned waitress was ignoring me too. She seemed utterly engrossed in refilling the coffee percolator. "I'm sure I told you about it. I was out celebrating my promotion."

I looked over at her, a little surprised to see her face tight, her expression a little sour.

"No?"

She shook her head.

"Huh," I said, wondering idly what I'd said to make her mad. "I was sure I said something."

"No. You didn't. I should've known. So, insurance, huh?" she said, disdain dripping from her words.

"Yes. It's actually a very interesting job."

"Yeah," she said with a snort. "Sounds like it."

Not only was she bordering on insane, but the she-devil was just plain rude! Yes. I knew insurance wasn't everyone's cup of tea. But I happened to like it.

"Not that it matters," I hissed quietly, mostly to myself. "But what is it that you do for work, Bella?"

A definite blush crept up her cheeks as she stared into her empty coffee cup. "Uhhh," she stalled. This ought to be good, I thought to myself as I cataloged all the weird and wonderful places Bella might have been currently employed.

"Um...I'm between jobs right now," she finished, looking suitably uncomfortable.

I cocked an eyebrow and I put my wallet back in my jacket pocket. "Between what, and what, exactly?"

"Wow, look at the time!" said Bella, suddenly jumping up and glancing at her wrist where a watch would have been had she been wearing one. "So, yeah, I actually need to get going, so..."

She was already up and out of the booth in a split second, leaving me trailing behind her. I caught up with her outside, her hands shoved into her back pockets and she waited for me.

The moment I had been dreading all morning had finally come.

The awkward goodbye.

I rubbed the back of my neck, desperately wanting to throw something at her and run to the safety of my car. "You want me to call you a cab?"

Bella flipped open her sad little Velcro wallet. "Uh, no," she said with a frown. "It's fine. I'll walk."

I pulled a business card out of its holder and held it out to her. "I'm gonna give you my card. It has my cell phone and my work number as well. You can just mail back the t-shirt when you're done with it."

I cursed inwardly realizing that she now knew where I lived, where I worked, and how to reach me pretty much twenty-four seven.

_Dear God, please don't let her turn up outside of my bedroom window. _

She nodded as she took the card, turning it over in her hand a few times as she looked at it.

"Well," she said, putting the card in her wallet. "I don't have a cell right now, because of payment complications. But, I mean, if you want to contact me, I guess you could e-mail me."

I pulled my phone out, pretending to type the details into my phone.

"It's just bumblebee tuna, one word, at gmail dot com."

Bumblebee Tuna. Cute.

"Okay," I said, tapping my watch. "I'd better go."

She nodded. "Okay."

I nodded back. "O-kay."

She kind of looked like she was going to hug me, but then thought better of it, and extended a hand toward me. "All right, then," she said stiffly. "Nice to meet you."

"Um, same," I replied.

We stood in silence for a few seconds, and I wondered if I was supposed to say something.

"So, bye," she said finally, turning on her heel to go.

"See you," I replied, turning towards the car.

I sat in the idling car and watched Bella walk away until she turned the corner, a strange feeling of guilt settling in my stomach.

I should have given her a ride, or at least some money for a cab.

Was it just me, or could that have been the most brutally awkward goodbye ever?

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you everyone who leaves a review. I know it takes me FOREVER to reply, but I will. Reviews give me a happy. <strong>

**Also a thank you to anyone who voted in the Emerging Swan Awards, it was a head spin just to be nominated! **

**Now. I'm off to ogle pictures of a certain someone roaming the streets in a threadbare t-shirt looking all hot and angry...**

**Night! xxx Wink**


	5. Milk & Orange Juice

**Lots of thanks this time. **

**To Krystle and Lemmonpie for their beta magic.  
><strong>

**And to AlbyMangroves and Twaggy for pre-reading. (Props to Twaggy for getting my Juno reference)  
><strong>

**Also to my Snip. You know who you are. If you're reading this - GO AND READ SOMETHING BETTER!**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>If this shit was mine, I would not be sitting in my sweat pants eating cereal right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Five - Milk and Orange Juice<strong>

**BPOV**

The smell of artificial air freshener and window cleaner assaulted me as I got out of the elevator. Obviously the cleaning staff had just passed through. The acrid smell of the floor cleaner made my stomach gurgle and my mouth water with nausea.

I held my breath as I knocked on Riley's door, forcing down the urge to vomit. When Riley answered the door, with just a towel wrapped around his waist and one around his head, I couldn't get inside fast enough.

"Hello to you too," he scoffed as I pushed past him, taking deep breaths of clean air, trying to calm the churning in my stomach.

Riley stood beside me, rubbing my back as I bent at the waist, taking another cleansing breath.

"You okay?"

I straightened, nodding as the nausea abated a little. "I'm fine. It's been happening all day, it'll pass."

Riley eyed me speculatively before urging me to follow him into his pristine, custom designed, Italian marble kitchen. I waited while he poured me a glass of water.

"As long as you're okay. I can't have you vomiting all over my carpet, I only had it steam cleaned last week."

"Nice customer service skills. Is this how you treat your first class passengers?"

Riley smirked as he handed me the glass. "I'll have you know I'm an excellent first class flight attendant."

A slight pink color tinged the apples of his cheeks as he suppressed a smile.

I knew that look. He got some cock. And while at work for Christ's sake!

"Spill," I said, getting comfortable on my bar stool.

"I don't know what you're talking about," replied Riley with a smug air.

"Oh, fuck off, I know you! You have that just-fucked-or-sucked look on your face. Who was he, and how big was his dick?"

Riley broke into a fit of giggles, pressing his palms to his cheeks in shy embarrassment, which was not at all like him.

"Embry Call was on the flight from London yesterday," he said quietly, still blushing.

My eyes popped open in surprise. Embry Call was Rolling Stone's 'Artist of the Year', a five-time Grammy Award winner and a real man about town. His reputation with women was one of legend. In fact, he'd been given some award by a men's magazine for his apparent sexual prowess.

"You mean, Embry I'm-a-filthy-man-whore Call?" I asked, still shocked.

Riley nodded, smiling.

I gasped. "You mean he's...and you...on the plane?"

Riley nodded again, fanning his blushing face dramatically.

"Oh Lord," he gushed, "I'm getting all embarrassed."

I took a deep, resigned breath. "How is it that you can get a blow job from a famous rock star, and I can't even get my ass grabbed by a random guy on the subway?"

Obviously still deep in lust-filled thoughts, Riley shrugged. "Just lucky, I guess. Anyway, I got his number, and he said he's going to call me the next time he's in the city."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Are we talking baby's arm holding an apple? Or is Embry, takes-it-in-the-ass, Call, a little lacking in the downstairs department?"

Riley scoffed, and I had to move fast to keep up with him as he moved into his bedroom. "That is private."

I shoved him hard from behind, making him stumble. "It is not! You always give me the gory details. Spill! I need to live vicariously through you, remember?"

Riley unzipped his still-packed travel case and started removing his clothes, ignoring me.

I flopped onto his bed unceremoniously, flinging the piles of clothes everywhere. "Tell me," I whined, flailing my arms around. "I'm your sex-deprived best friend. I need details!"

Riley stopped folding for a minute to look at me. I knew he'd cave; the boy was as leaky as a sieve.

"I'll tell you one thing." I flipped over on to my stomach, resting my chin in my hands eagerly. Riley smirked. "The man has a mouth like a goddamn vacuum."

I sighed, imagining one of the hottest men on the planet, on his knees, sucking dick. It was definitely a snapshot for the spank-bank.

"So, did you bring me any goodies?" I asked, rolling onto my side as Riley continued to unpack.

Digging through his open suitcase, he pulled out a clear zip lock bag full of tiny milk containers and pre-packaged biscuits. He tossed the bag at me, smiling. "Would I forget you, Bumblebee?"

I clutched the baggie to my chest like a child with a teddy.

I never realized how much I missed Riley until he came back. The past month especially had felt like a lifetime. With him doing the London route, he'd had a mere twelve hours at home since the last time I'd seen him. He looked worn out as fuck, but still he made time for me, which was why I loved him.

Ignoring his unpacking, we sat on the floor in his bedroom, in the sun, with our mini-bar stash.

"So, are you going to tell me about Sparkles?" he asked.

Stretching out on his carpet, I yawned, rubbing a hand over my stomach, trying to make the queasy feeling settle. "Sparkles?"

Riley opened a bunch of the biscuit packs and put them on a little plate. "Your one-night-stand? You know, Mr. Sex-hair?"

"I don't know who you're talking about," I lied.

It had been four weeks since my night with Edward, and although he popped into my head now and then, I tried to keep all thoughts of him tucked away safely. It just seemed safer that way.

"Oh, come on," he pushed, moving the biscuits towards me. "Have you spoken to him since?"

I shook my head vigorously, which made the room spin a little. "God, no! It was a one night thing. I don't want to embarrass myself any more than I did."

Riley offered me a small milk carton, the little lid peeled back exposing the white liquid inside. "What do you mean?"

I eyed the drink, choosing to sit it down as my gut churned uncomfortably. "The dude couldn't have gotten me out of there any faster. In fact, I got the distinct feeling he was trying to slip me out the backdoor but his sister caught him."

Riley shrugged. "Better than trying to slip IN the backdoor, if you know what I mean."

"Are you saying you don't try and slip it in a backdoor every now and then?"

"Let's not go there," he snorted. "We're not talking about my backdoor, honey, we're talking about yours. It's virgin territory back there."

I nodded emphatically. "And it'll stay that way thank you."

"Anyway," I said with a groan. "I wouldn't even remember if he _did _try to slip it in the back door."

Riley gasped. "You don't remember anything?"

Sitting up, I rested my back against the wall, my elbows on my knees. "I just remember it was good. Like toe-curling, mind-blowingly good."

"I think you should call him," said Riley.

"Call him? You weren't there, Riley! I'm pretty sure he was repulsed by me."

I thought back to the morning after in the diner; the awkward silences, his holier-than-thou attitude. There was no way I was going back there, no matter how good the sex was. And yes, there was no doubt that he was attractive, but it was obvious that he regretted our night together. It was as if I'd sprouted a huge dick on my face; like he found me utterly repellent. I was surprised he didn't shove me in cab with a wad of money.

I buried my head in my knees. I was obviously coming down with something, the queasy feeling in my stomach was still there, churning and gurgling, and to top it all off my head would not stop spinning.

"It's a shame," sighed Riley. "He was truly a beautiful, beautiful man."

"That he was," I agreed.

"And you don't remember a single thing?" he pressed.

With my head still buried in my arms, I smiled. I could feel Riley scoot closer before he peeled my arms away from my face to look at me. "Tell me."

"I only remember some things," I explained. "He's got very long fingers, very long, and very talented."

Riley hummed in delight, reveling in my sordid details.

"And I mean, yeah, it had been a while for me. But he was most definitely packing some serious heat in the crotchular region."

Riley held his hands out in a gesture of measurement. "Bigger or smaller?"

I grinned. "Bigger."

He moved his hands a little further apart.

"Bigger."

Riley cackled as I adjusted his hands myself. "Oh my Lord!" he crowed. "No wonder you were sore. I'm surprised you didn't see that thing pop up through your stomach!"

We laughed like idiots for a minute before the dizziness set in again and I had to rest my head on my knees.

"I can't believe you're not eating your cookies," he said with a pout. "They're your favorite." He brought the biscuits towards me and I tried to turn my head away, but the sweet, sickly smell of the cookies hit me before I could tell him to stop.

My stomach rolled once, twice, and I grabbed the closest thing I could find as my stomach emptied its contents into Riley's clothes hamper.

"Oh my God!" squealed Riley, distancing himself from me as I heaved and retched into the wicker basket that contained his dirty towels.

After I was sure nothing else was going to come up, I crawled into his en-suite and washed my mouth out in the sink. By the time I peered out of the bathroom, Riley had removed the offending basket, along with the milk and cookies. As big of a slob as I was, vomiting in someone's clothes hamper was still not a cool thing to do.

"I'm so sorry," I groaned when Riley returned, glass of water in hand.

"It's okay, they were dirty anyway."

I took a few sips of the water, grimacing at the taste of vomit in my mouth.

"Feeling better?"

Surprisingly, I was. I still felt a little disgusted and woozy, but not as nauseous as I was earlier. Riley sat on the bed next to me.

"You and Sparkles were safe, right? I mean, you used protection?"

"Of course," I snapped. "It's just food poisoning or something."

I tried to think back on what I'd eaten earlier in the day, some dry toast and left over Indian food.

_That had to have been it_, I assured myself. Even good Indian food could be bad Indian food.

Riley offered to let me stay with him so that he could look after me, but I could see how tired he was from the travelling, and the last thing he needed was to be looking after me. So instead, I ambled home to my tiny little empty apartment and curled up in bed to sleep away the food poisoning.

* * *

><p>"Rejected."<p>

"Rejected."

I flipped through the stack of job applications, tossing the rejections in the trash. Unfortunately for me, being in my mid-twenties with no formal qualifications meant I was not really cut out for many good jobs. Unless I wanted to work in food service all my life, which I didn't.

I stopped at the last letter, feeling a little more thickness to the envelope than usual. I turned it over, surprised to find the return address for a dental clinic a few blocks away. What was even more surprising was the letter inside that said that my interview had been successful, and that in two weeks I would be a full time receptionist!

Me! Gainfully employed by a respectable business!

Riley was, of course, the first person I called, and he insisted that since he hadn't seen me in almost two weeks, we simply must meet up for lunch to celebrate, his treat! Who was I to say no to free food?

So, there we were, two hours later, lunching at _The Garden of Eat'n_, one of the best restaurants in town.

Riley practically skipped up to me as I approached the table, throwing his arms around me. "Congratulations! I should start calling you Worker Bee instead of Bumblebee."

I thanked him and went to sit down next to Jess, but Riley kept a firm grip on my arm.

"Bumblebee, you've lost weight," he said, squeezing my arms and turning me around to look at me from behind.

"Only a little," I said, feeling a little uncomfortable. Riley's loud outburst had garnered the attention of all of the surrounding tables, and they were all now watching him groping my flat ass.

"Bullshit," he snapped, poking my boobs as well. "Where did your boobs go?"

Pushing away his hands, I sunk into the seat beside Jess, giving her a one-armed hug over the table.

"It's this bug," I explained, trying to play it down as I perused the menu. "It's just sticking around, that's all. I'm fine, nothing a big, juicy steak won't fix."

Even though I was ignoring him, I could feel Riley staring at me over his menu. Truth be told, the nausea came and went. Just when I thought I'd kicked it, I'd find myself face-down in the toilet again.

"So how're things, Jess?" I asked, folding my menu.

"Cool," said Jess, smiling her lazy grin.

The waiter arrived and we placed our orders. "I should see if the dental clinic is hiring still, Jess. Maybe see if I can't get you a job?"

Jess scratched her head. "Uh, I have a job."

I spat my drink out, spraying water across the table at Riley.

"What? Since when?" I asked as I wiped my mouth, ignoring the glare from Riley as he brushed the water droplets from his shirt.

"Oh…I don't know, maybe about eight weeks ago, I guess," answered Jess like it was old news.

"Where? Doing what?" asked Riley.

Apparently, Jess explained, she had been working for a medical research company for almost two months. It seems she'd found the perfect job doing clinical trials of medical marijuana. Yep, my stoner best friend was smoking weed and getting paid for it. Of course, it occasionally meant seeing pink fairies and sprouting hideous festering boils, but it didn't seem to deter her,  
>especially since they were paying her exorbitant amounts of money to be baked off her tits all day, every day.<p>

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, feeling a little upset that she hadn't said anything to me about it. After all, even though Riley probably had more estrogen than Jess and I combined, she was my only real "girlfriend".

Jess just shrugged, suddenly very interested in the plate of blueberry pancakes in front of her. "I forgot, I guess. Hey, do you think blind people can see in their dreams?"

Riley smirked, chuckling quietly to himself. "Well, it looks like you're doing a great job. Anyway, on to more pressing matters, I had a date with Embry last week."

"Oh?" I mused, my mouth watering as the waiter placed a huge plate full of steak and fries on the table in front of me.

"The rocker dude," nodded Jess, grinning.

Riley continued on for a moment, but I was too enraptured with the huge slab of juicy, pink meat sitting on my plate. Licking my lips, I cut a mouthful of the steak and popped it in my mouth. The moment the meat hit my tongue I felt the bile rise in my throat.

"Bella?"

My lips trembled as I tried to keep the mass of cooked cow flesh in my mouth while my throat constricted and my stomach rolled.

"Oh, God, I know that look," said Riley, standing up and yanking me from my seat.

Jess followed closely behind as Riley pushed me towards the bathroom. I only made it to the sink when the contents of my stomach made an appearance.

I groaned, washing my mouth out. It felt like this had become a regular occurrence. The only things I'd been able to actually keep down over the past four weeks had been dry biscuits, carrot sticks and Cheez-Its. At first I was sure it was a stomach bug or food poisoning, but as the weeks progressed I knew that it was something more. I'd been putting off going to the doctor simply because of the cost. A one hundred dollar trip to the doctor was not something I could afford.

"You okay, B?" asked Jess, peering in the door of the bathroom.

I nodded, resting my elbows on the vanity. I felt her lay a hand on my back, rubbing gently as I took slow, deep breaths.

"You can't keep anything down, you've got an aversion to your favorite foods, and your sense of smell is heightened," said Riley, now also standing beside me. "I'm taking you to the doctor, no arguments."

At least I knew that with a job on the horizon, I actually had a chance of paying him back. Not to mention the fact that I was so very much over puking.

I nodded, standing up straight. "Fine."

What I wasn't expecting was for Riley to be so insistent on getting me checked out. He didn't even bother to finish his lunch, instead, he payed the bill and had all of our food wrapped up to take away.

I started walking out to the parking lot, when I felt him tugging on my arm.

"First things first," he insisted, pulling me across the street.

"What? Where are we going?"

Ignoring my protestations, Riley pulled me into a pharmacy, dragging me down the nearest aisle. "I'm not taking you to the doctor until you take a pregnancy test."

I planted my feet firmly, rooting myself to the spot. "Riley, for God's sake, I'm not pregnant! You have to have sex to get pregnant."

"When was your last period?" asked Jess.

Ugh. My memory was terrible as I tried to recall the last time I'd had my period. I'd had it this month. I was sure. Wasn't I?

"Three...no...four...," I stuttered.

Jess laughed. "If you can't remember it probably means you skipped it."

No. No. It was not possible. Absolutely not.

"Oh my, God," I cried, crouching down in the middle of the aisle, clutching my head in my hands. "I can't breathe. Oh, fuck. I can't breathe."

"You're breathing just fine," said Riley. "Oh well," he added, "at least you know it'll be a good looking baby!" he chuckled as both he and Jess crouched beside me, lifting me up.

"Can you please not make jokes?" I insisted, grabbing his shirt and pulling his face to mine. "This is not funny. Not fucking funny at all."

"Alright, alright, keep your shirt on, drama queen," said Riley as he and Jess dragged me towards the pregnancy tests.

"Who's the father?" asked Jess.

I shrugged. "I don't think you met Edward."

Fuck. Just mentioning his name made my stomach turn. What the shit was I going to do if it was his baby inside of me? Would it hate me just like Edward did?

"Here," said Riley offering Jess his phone.

"Oh, he's hot, Bee," said Jess, clutching the phone to her chest as I tried to grab it from her.

"Where did you get a picture?" I hissed at Riley.

"Oh!" crowed Riley, flapping his hands about dramatically. "Didn't you notice little old me taking your photo? Too busy rubbing yourself all over Mr. Sex-hair."

"Fuck off," I snapped, pointing a finger at him "If I'm pregnant, it's your fault. Now show me the phone!"

Grinning, Jess handed me the phone and I immediately cringed in disgust. I looked positively hideous; half blinking with my mouth hanging open. At least Edward looked good. _God _did he look good.

Riley rolled his eyes. "Look, this kit only takes five minutes, and there are three tests inside," he said, grabbing a box from the shelf.

I snatched the box from his hand, scowling as I read the instructions.

Pee on the stick

Wait five minutes.

Smiley face means baby.

"This one's only 95% effective," I said reaching for another. If I was going to do it, I wanted to be 100% positive.

By the time we finished we had ten kits, each with multiple tests in each.

"That's a lot of peeing," said Riley as the cashier rang up our lot.

"That's what this is for," said Jess, and I turned to find her holding half a gallon of orange juice.

I forced a smile as she handed over a credit card. "I'll pay you back, I swear."

Jess just shrugged casually. Fuck - I had such good friends, why was I such a dick?

"You got a bathroom?" I asked the shop assistant. She nodded, pointing to the back of the store.

"Bee, you can't do it here!" said Riley aghast as I grabbed the tests and made my way to the back.

"I want to get it done now. I need to know." I pulled the lid from the juice and guzzled it straight from the container, wiping the dribbles from my chin with the back of my hand. "Are you coming or not?"  
>Giving in, Jess and Riley followed me to the little bathroom at the back of the store.<p>

Jess sat outside the toilet with Riley, opening the tests and passing it to me so that I could squeeze what little pee I had on it. I passed them to Riley, who lined them up beside the sink.

"How long do I have to wait?" I asked impatiently, grimacing as I missed the end of the stick and peed on my fingers.

"I think it's okay, Bee," said Riley hopefully as he held up a stick, squinting as he looked at the indicator strip. "This one has a smiley face. That's good, right?" He looked down at the package and frowned. "No, wait. That's positive."

"More!" I yelled, swallowing more juice furiously as Jess handed me another test. "Give me them all. I need to be sure!"

After another six tests and more pee than I thought was humanly possible, I pulled my pants up and stood by the sink beside Riley.

Positive.

Every.

Single.

One.

"Looks like you're going to have to make a call, Bumblebee," said Riley, putting a comforting hand on my back.

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><p><strong>Ruh-oh!<strong>

**Thank you for those of you sticking with me. I promise I read reviews - I think I reply - but then I forget if I do or not. But I love them all, I swear.**

**Thanks also to the WC girls who keep me going. They flip my ridonk switch no end.  
><strong>

**xxx Wink**


	6. Smiley Faces are Sexy

**Thank you to Lemmonpie and Krystal, my ever present, and always wonderful Beta's. And to Twaggie and Albymangroves - my fucktastic pre-readers. **

**Any mistakes are my own.**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: Unless you're severely lacking in brain function, you should now by now that not only do I <em>not<em> own anything to do with Twilight, SMeyer does. **

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><p><strong>Chapter 6 - Smiley Faces Are Sexy<strong>

**EPOV**

As I had expected, Alice used every opportunity she could to give me shit about my night of reckless abandon.

I even stayed at work later than usual, stalling, knowing that she would be just sitting at home, waiting to pounce. And I was right. She promptly grilled me on all of the very intimate, but also very private, details of my sordid night with Bella. It may not have happened very often but I was still a gentleman, and I didn't kiss and tell. Have crazy-monkey-sex and tell...whatever.

I told Alice the basics for two reasons: one, I didn't need my baby sister knowing that I hooked up with a random girl while high, and two, because the basics were all I knew. Apparently copious amounts of alcohol and MDMA make your memory a little patchy. I did get a good slap upside the head when I told her that I left Bella to find her own way home though.

"You were raised better than that!" she scolded.

I rubbed the back of my head where her hand had connected. "I panicked!"

"What-ever," said Alice with her hand in my face. "Don't think I don't know you tried to sneak Miss Thang out the door this morning. That shit is whack, and you know it."

"Whack? Really, Alice? The Fresh Prince of Bel Air called, he wants his word back."

Alice's eyebrows set into a straight line as her nostrils flared. "Hater."

"Poser."

"Chicken head."

"Wannabe."

"Slut."

She raised an eyebrow at me, daring me to continue. "Ha!" She smiled, pointing at me. "I win!"

I groaned as Alice raised her fists like a boxer.

As was tradition, the winner of an argument got one free punch. Of course there were no-go areas. Namely the crotch, head and face; that sort of thing. But other than that, she had free reign to punch me once, as hard as she could, anywhere she wanted. If, on the rare occasion, I won, instead of a punch I got to flick her as hard as I could. I might be her older brother, but a grown man just doesn't hit a woman. Anyway, I had long fingers and could wield a pretty powerful flick when I wanted to. Her ears and forehead were always a favorite of mine.

I braced myself, flexing my arms and closing my eyes.

My leg almost buckled under me as a small but powerful fist connected with my left thigh.

_Fuck_. That was going to bruise.

"Next time, call her a cab."

I nodded rubbing the back of my leg.

"Oh, and you might want to apologize to Mr. and Mrs. Haverman next door. You two just about woke the entire street up."

_Shit_.

I hid my blush behind the refrigerator door under the guise of searching for some dinner. I'd never been so forward with a girl before. Like I said, I was a gentleman. I bought dinner, I pulled out chairs, I opened doors. I did not pick up women in bars, only to send them packing the next day.

My actions were debased. Impulsive. Debauched. Completely reckless.

It was kind of cool. Maybe even a little bit freeing ?

For some reason I spent the entire day going over and over the night in my head. Little snippets of my memory would come back to me; a sweaty bump-and-grind here, a breathy moan there. Of course, hiding the perma-boner I sported most of the day had proven to be difficult. I'm pretty sure James in accounts thought I had a thing for him. Well, that or he thought I really liked Excel spreadsheets.

In the end, sometime late in the afternoon, I had to lock myself in the men's bathroom and tell my dick to chill out. Bella was not our kind of girl, and with my new promotion we simply didn't have time for the distractions that a girlfriend would bring. Sappy girl movies, farmers markets, cucumber-facial thingies. All that useless stuff that women did.

Nope. Not me. I'd had my fill of crazy, sweaty, animal sex. It was time to knuckle down and get back to work. With storm season approaching, I just knew that shit was going to get hectic at KID. Late nights, early starts, and lots of face time with Richard the-human-sprinkler Kuntz.

"What up y'all?" said Jasper as he strode into my kitchen, stealing the last piece of bacon from the skillet before flopping into the seat across from mine. I heard Alice murmur a quiet greeting as I flipped the top of my newspaper down, watching him chew on the bacon as he ruffled Lashawn's hair. Janetta slipped from her chair and jumped up into his lap, giggling as he tugged on her ponytail.

Alice glared across the table at him.

For two people on the fast-track to being divorced, and who _apparently _hated each other, Alice and Jasper sure spent a lot of time together. He seemed to be here every morning, and some nights too, in my kitchen, eating my food.

I could see that Jasper had seen Alice staring at him, but was choosing to ignore her. Probably a good idea since Alice was in a shittier mood than normal.

"What's crackin', Edward?" he asked, talking to me over the top of Janetta's head. "Hey, you talked to that hottie Bella lately? Man, that girl was fly."

I flipped the top of my paper back up. I had the business section open, but was actually reading the cartoons - that Garfield was a funny guy.

"No, I haven't spoken to her actually," I replied truthfully. A week or two after my night out, my t-shirt arrived at the front desk, washed and pressed perfectly. It even had that nice fabric softener smell that I remembered Bella having - lavender and fresh linen.

Not that I sniffed the t-shirt, because I didn't.

Okay, I did, but just once.

Nevertheless, since then my night with Bella had faded into a hazy and somewhat distant memory.

"Well, you know, if you still got her digits, I would love to tap that ass."

Sure, like he had a chance with a girl like Bella. Alice took a deep breath, and if looks could kill, Jasper would have been dying a slow, painful death.

"Janetta, go to your room and get ready for school."

Janetta whined in protest. "But..."

"Go!" demanded Alice, pointing down the hall.

Sulking, Janetta shlumped off to her room while I sat quietly behind the paper, listening.

"You better check yo-self before you wreck yo-self, fool," snapped Alice, waving a finger at Jasper.

"Huh?"

"Don't _'huh' _me, Jasper. You think you're all that? You think your broke-ass could get someone as fine as Edward's Bella?"

"She's not mine," I mumbled as I peered out from over the top of the paper, seeing Jasper wrinkle his nose at Alice.

"Aw, don't be hatin', Ali. Just cause you can't get all up in this." He waved his hands over his lanky form sprawled out on my kitchen chair.

I always wondered what Jasper saw when he looked in the mirror. If he actually had one that was. His clothing was easily three to four times bigger than it should have been. The guy couldn't have weighed more than one forty, one fifty pounds tops. Yet the clothes he wore would have been huge on me, and I have a good twenty pounds on him.

The bandannas and garish clothing I could deal with. But cheese and rice, the man jingled more than Santa's sleigh. Gold chains and other random accessories clanked and rattled every time he so much as breathed. And the slang words he used just plain baffled me. Some of it I'd gotten used to, since Alice tended to use it a lot as well. But sometimes it was like he was speaking Klingon. No, in fact, if he was speaking Klingon I probably would have been able to understand more. But that fact was, he was the father of my niece and nephew - so I tolerated him. Barely.

Alice stared back at him, her hands firmly on her hips. "Oh no you di'nt."

Jasper shrugged, smirking.

It had been like this with Alice and Jasper since the day they'd met. They fought like cats and dogs, names would be called, threats would be made - and then they'd find somewhere to screw like teenagers, just to start all over again the next day.

Dr. Phil would lose his mind with those two. Springer, on the other hand, would love them.

Alice stomped out of the room, leaving me alone with Jasper.

"Bitches, man. Check it," continued Jasper, like the previous argument with Alice had never happened. "I'm for real. You get Bella's number, or what?"

I shook my head and Jasper made a face of dismay, shrugging.

"S'all good. All I'm sayin' is, I would tear that ass up, yo. Why aren't you tappin' that fly girl?"

"I don't want a girlfriend right now," I replied.

Jasper looked at me like I'd sprouted a second head.

"Girlfriend? I got two words for you Ed-wizzle; booty...call."

My instant reaction was to shun the suggestion, to ignore him completely. But for some reason, the thought sat with me all day, festering, growing, expanding like a weed in my brain.  
>Why couldn't I have a 'friend with benefits'? Lots of people had them. All the sex and none of the complicated bits - it sounded okay to me. And Bella seemed like the kind of girl who would be open-minded enough to consider the idea.<p>

"Edward!"

A nasal voice stirred me from my inner monologue as I sat at my desk, and I looked up to see Kate from marketing standing over me.

"Oh. Hi, Kate, what's up?"

I sat back as she lifted herself up onto my desk, crossing her legs as she spoke. "Just wanted to see how you're doing in your new office." She gestured around my small office space, complete with window that overlooked a vast and sprawling...office. I _wish _I had a city view.

"Oh," I answered, trying to keep my eyes off her long legs as they dangled over my desk. "I'm doing great, thank you. That's nice of you to ask."

"Any time, Edward," she replied with a wink. "My goodness!" she exclaimed as she ran her fingertips over my desk. "You have such a tidy desk. You should see mine, it's a mess! Paper, gum wrappers, photos - it's a catastrophe."

Just the thought of a messy desk made my eye twitch. I briefly considered cleaning Kate's desk once she went home. It would make me sleep easier knowing she had a clean desk to work at.

"So, Edward..."

I almost didn't hear Kate talking. I was too busy plotting the layout of her new and improved desk: where the sticky tape would go, the drawing pins, the pencils. It was making me feel better by the second. It was her shoe gently nudging my thigh that snapped me out of my stationary organizing trance.

"Oh, sorry. What were you saying?"

Kate smiled. "I was asking if you had a date for the KID Annual Hospital Fundraiser."

Ah, yes. _Kuntz for Kids_, was the yearly ball that KID put on for the local children's hospital. It did well too, raising close to a million dollars every year. I knew that this year Richard was aiming for closer to one and a half, so he had gone all out, making it the biggest night ever.

I hadn't even thought about taking a date. Most years I just went alone, happy to be mildly sociable with the people I worked with.

"I hadn't thought of taking anyone, no," I replied.

"Well," she continued, "I don't have a date either. I was going to go with Sally, you know, from accounts? But her brother is in town that night, and she doesn't want him to be on his own..."

"Are you asking me to take Sally from accounts?"

"What? No." She shook her head, frowning. "Sally's brother will go to the ball, but his flight doesn't get in until quite late, and I don't want to miss the presentations..."

"So you want me to take Sally from accounting's brother to the ball?" I asked, a little uncomfortable at her request.

Kate paused, squinting her eyes at me. "No. Sally and her brother are going together."

"But I thought _you _were going with Sally?"

"I am. I mean, I was..."

"But then who will Sally's brother go with? It's rude of Sally to make him go by himself. Maybe I could pick him up from the airport?"

"Yes! I mean, NO! What?" Kate's face was kind of red and she looked a bit flustered.

"You need to explain this better Kate. No wonder Sally's brother doesn't want to take you to the ball, you're a little confusing!" I said with a chuckle.

"I'm not...I mean, I didn't..." Kate took a deep breath. "I'm asking if you want to come to the ball with me, Edward. You and me. Got it?"

I sat up straighter in my chair. "Oh."

Kate was attractive, extremely in fact. I had inadvertently grazed her side boob one afternoon when reaching for a coffee and it seemed quite firm and perky, so there was that. And she seemed nice from what I'd seen of her - which admittedly wasn't much - the odd conversation at the photocopy machine, or polite smiles at the coffee station here and there.

Besides, the whole 'friends-with-benefits' idea _did _need the participation of a woman. In all honesty, I didn't have a single reason to turn her down.

So why did I want to throw a stack of post-it notes at her and run?

I scratched at my neck, feeling a nervous rash start to spread.  
>"I..." I looked around quickly for an escape. "I have to...er...have to..."<p>

Kate's smile widened as she slipped off the desk and stood in front of me, her perky, silky blouse covered chest almost flush with mine.

"Ihavetogetsomecoffee," I spluttered, deftly maneuvering around her, leaving her eating my proverbial dust as I walked briskly away.

I slammed my head against the overhead cupboard as I waited for the coffee machine to reheat. Why did I have to be born so socially inept? Why couldn't I have been born with just a tenth of Alice's attitude? Instead, I was a nervous wreck, all because a beautiful co-worker asked me out!

"Hi, Edward," said a voice, and I almost jumped ten feet in the air. I was relieved when I turned to see Emily, Kate's assistant, in the staff room with me.

"Hi, Emily," I replied.

We stood in comfortable silence as I poured her some coffee, and then some for myself. I was just about to bid her goodbye, when suddenly, I found her pressed against me, squishing me against the kitchenette.

"I know Kate already asked," she hissed, "but if you want to have a good time, and I mean, a _good _time," she bit her bottom lip as she pressed harder against me, "then I'd be happy to take you to the ball as my date."

_What in the world?_

I slipped out from beneath her surprisingly strong hold. "I have to go to the...the...out there...now."

My feet almost slipped out from underneath me in my haste to get away. There was something strange going on with the women on my floor, something strange and scary. I tried my best to evade Kate and Emily and spent the rest of the afternoon in the copy room or holed up in the men's bathroom.

I exhaled a deep breath of relief when six o'clock finally came round. Weaving and ducking through the partitions, I made my way back to my office, scooped up my wallet and car keys, and made a bee-line for the elevators.

Thankfully it was just me and Irina from sales in the elevator, and I could feel myself relaxing a little as each floor whizzed by. Until, that was, Irina started fidgeting slightly beside me. I stood still, watching her from the corner of my eye as she inched closer to me little by little, fumbling nervously with her briefcase.

"I hear you made Chief Officer," she said quietly.

"Oh..um..yes."

She smiled. "Congratulations. Next thing we know, you'll be CEO."

I blushed, swallowing hard as she let her eyes travel up and down my body a few times. If it had been a normal day, I would have shrugged it off as mistaken identity, but after my run in with Kate and Emily upstairs, I wasn't so sure.

I watched the buttons on the elevator wall illuminate as we made our way down towards the ground level. At about the twelfth floor I felt a slim, bony hand slide across my left ass cheek.

Startled, I looked over my shoulder to see Irina right up behind me, her hand stuck to my butt as she licked her glossy, sticky looking lips.

"I bet you work out," she whispered, her eyes glassing over. "You work out, don't you Edward?"

I stepped forward, turning out of her reach. Stuttering incomprehensibly, I had to shove my hands in front of my crotch to stop her from grabbing at me as she advanced. As the door slid open I almost fell out into the foyer, scrambling to get out of the building.

What was with all the women in my building? Were they pumping pheromones into the cooling system? Had someone spiked a batch of birth control pills? What the shit was going on?

I made it out of the building unharmed, almost running straight into James, another Risk Officer.

"There he is!" he boomed, slapping me on the back. "You look all funky, what's up?"

I rubbed my face with the heel of my hands. "It's been a strange day, James. Just, please, don't ask me to take you to the ball."

James made a face of recognition. "Women trouble, huh?" he said with a knowing look.

"You could say that."

"You know they've got a pool going don't you?"

"For what?"

James laughed loudly. "You, you dick! To see who can bag you as their date."

"Me?" I spat in disbelief. What kind of women put bets on a human being? I was not a horse dammnit!

"I thought you knew. Hell, everyone in sales knows," he said, scratching his head.

I shook my head.

"Seems you've got a few admirers among the ladies at KID, Edward."

"What? Since when?" I scoffed. I'd been at KID for five years and not once had a woman ever made a pass at me.

James smiled, making out as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. I'd like to see him pitted against the voracious women of KID.

"Well, since you got the CRO position! And apparently you made an impression on a few of the girls that night at The Cockpit."

Crap. I knew that night would come back to haunt me.

I was bordering on desperate. "That's...it's not...can you make them stop?"

James stopped laughing, his eyes narrowing. "Why would you want it to stop? Man, you could get so much action!"

I flipped the collar of my coat up, trying to hide my face as more KID staff exited the building, no doubt leaving for the weekend.

"I don't want action. I just want to work and not be harassed by horny women all day."

Just the look on James' face told me that he thought I was deranged. But not only were Inter office relationships frowned upon by KID management, as written in our employee contract; page twelve, section four. But it just seemed like a really, really bad idea.

"Just, I don't know, make up a rumor about me. Tell them..." _What to say! Venereal Disease? Hideous genital deformity? A fan of anal fisting?_I grimaced. I didn't want the entire office to steer clear of me, just the women. "Tell them I'm saving myself for marriage. No! That won't work. Tell them I'm part of a cult. Yeah. And that I'm arranged to be married."

James shook his head. "Fine, whatever you say, Edward. I'll think of something to tell Maria at reception - she's got the biggest mouth in the office. You'll be fine by Monday."

I went home that night more irritable than usual. Given that I'd been an irritable dick for weeks, this was saying something. A funk had settled over me that I couldn't shake.

The scene at work meant I was home earlier than normal - right in time for dinner time at the asylum.

"Janetta, no eating with your fingers!"

"Momma! Lashawn is putting carrots in his nose again!"

"You just finish your own dinner, let me deal with...oh, no, Lashawn!"

My nephew had quite recently taken to shoving food up his nose. Only the week before I sat with Janetta while Alice took Lashawn to the emergency room to have a pea removed from his left nostril. Fun times.

I sat my things down on the end of the breakfast bench, tired but hungry; the smell of Alice's cooking making my stomach gurgle and my mouth water.

"You're home early," Alice said as she sat a plate of warm food in front of me, her freshly painted talons scratching me as she ruffled my hair.

"Yeah, it was a long and bizarre day."

I loosened my tie and undid the top buttons of my shirt as Janetta smiled at me, a mouthful of mashed pumpkin filling her cheeks.

Alice flitted around the table, cleaning up Lashawn's mess and pushing Janetta to eat more vegetables. "What's the deal with work?"

I groaned. "Just women trouble."

Alice snorted. "Since when you had trouble with the ladies? You're like, Mr. Likes-to-work."

I threw a carrot at Alice.

"Apparently I've become somewhat popular with my female coworkers, especially since my promotion."

"You know, Edward, at a time like this, I like to turn to a higher power. I turn to the J man."

"Who? Jesus?"

Alice snorted. "Hell no! Jay-Z." Alice raised her hands in praise. "I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one."

I groaned into my dinner. Alice was quoting Jay-Z at the dinner table - it was most definitely time to find her somewhere else to live.

"Definitely words to live by."

Alice thumped her fist against her chest twice. "Word."

"How's school, Janetta?"

"S'okay," she mumbled around a mouthful of chicken.

"Just okay?"

Janetta frowned, chewing thoughtfully. "Well, I was finking Uncle Edward..."

"Thinking what?"

"Where do babies come from?"

Alice and I both broke into fits of coughing, spluttering loudly as half chewed food splattered onto the table.

"Tell her, Alice," I said, my eyes watering as I coughed my dinner out of my esophagus.

She waved a hand at me. "Nuh-uh, she asked you, _Uncle Edward._"

I looked over to see Janetta watching me expectantly. Jesus H. Christ, I couldn't get Jasper out of my house on a normal day, but the one time I wished he was here - he was AWOL.

"Why...I mean, what makes you ask?"

Janetta put her fork down, looking very serious for a six year-old. "At school today, Caleb Parker says that you get babies from WalMart, and mommies and daddies can go and buyed the babies there. But Katie says that when yous is asleep, a special fairy comes and puts a baby seed in your belly-button and then the baby grows and then it comes out of mommy's tummy."

Both Alice and I were silent.

"Katie is right," I said, ignoring Alice's foot in my kneecap. "A special little fairy comes along when Mommy is asleep and puts a tiny little seed into mommy's belly-button."

"But only when a mommy and daddy are in love," added Alice.

"Are you and Daddy in love, Mommy?"

Alice opened her mouth to respond when the doorbell rang. "I'LL GET IT!" she practically screamed, leaping out of her chair.

"Did Lashawn come out of mommy's tummy, Uncle Edward?"

I shook my head. Since Mom-of-the-year Alice had left it up to me, I thought I'd take a little creative license.

"Sometimes, if the baby is too big to come out of mommy's tummy, she has to push a special button on her head and rub her belly at the same time, and then her butt falls off and inside is a baby."

Janetta laughed. "You said butt."

Alice came back into the kitchen. "Well, it looks like it's your lucky day, Edward."

"Why?"

"It's for you," she answered, looking particularly smug.

I walked quietly towards the front door, scared for a moment that one of the women at work had somehow found out where I lived. But instead, standing at my front door, in worn Converse sneakers and a hoodie, was Bella.

"Hi," I said, completely taken off guard.

She smiled weakly. "Hi."

I wracked my brain trying to think why, after all that time, she would be turning up on my doorstep.

"Did you leave something here?"

Bella shook her head. "Um, no. I...," she rubbed her forehead roughly. "Do you have a second?"

"Sure." I stepped outside, closing the door behind me.

She looked so small standing in my front entrance, a navy blue sweater practically engulfed her upper body, hanging almost past her hips. Even so, I knew what was under the hoodie.

"How have you been?"

Startling me, Bella burst into a fit of laughter. "Sorry," she panted. "I laugh when I'm nervous."

"Why are you so nervous? It's just me."

Another short, sharp laugh exploded out of her, before she shook herself lightly, as if preparing for a boxing match.

"Okay...see, here's the thing...," she frowned, "Okay...okay...shit. I can't do this."

She looked down at her side, pulling something out of her hoodie pocket. A little plastic stick thing sat in the palm of her hand. Thicker at one end, with a little window in it - three tiny little smiley faces looking up at me.

My throat tightened and my heart practically stopped.

Bella looked up at me. "I swear to God, if you ask if it's yours I'll kick you in the balls."

Of all the things that could possibly have been running through my head at the time, all I could think was _"Phew! That'll get rid of the women in the office!"_

I opened the front door. "You better come inside."

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><p><strong>**insert joke about 'coming' inside already**<strong>

**Helloooo Daddyward!  
><strong>

**JSYK, if you have me on Author Alert, prepare to be annoyed! I've signed up for the Twilight 25, which means as of tomorrow I'll be posting a drabble or one shot every day until Christmas - coz that's how I roll.**

**If you do read them, or this chapter for that matter, why not say hi!**

**Oh, and whoever it is that's recc'ing Lessons Extracted somewhere, SHOW YOURSELF! So that I can grope you and motorboat yer bewbs. Or just say thanks. Whatever you'd prefer.**

**xxx Wink**


	7. Scotch and Pregnancy Tests

**Thank you to my ever-wonderful team of friends. The beautiful Krystal and Lemmonpie for their awesome beta work. **

**Twaggie for her brutal honesty. **

**And AlbyMangroves for her eagle eye and endless supply of baby factoids and help.**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do own a copy of Knocked Up, and also one of Twilight. But sadly, I didn't write either of them, just this.

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><p><strong>Chapter 7 – Scotch Pregnancy Tests<strong>

**BPOV  
><strong>

It took two buses and a five block walk to get to Edward's place. You would think with all that spare time I would have at least rehearsed what I was going to say. Shit, it's not every day you turn up at the front door of a one night stand, someone you never thought you would see again, and tell him you're pregnant with his child.

But no, apparently my brain decided to check the fuck out, leaving me to do all the dirty work.

I stood at his front door for a whole fifteen minutes before I even rang the doorbell. I went over and over different approaches as I paced back and forth, biting my nails to bloody stumps.

"Knock, knock" jokes were out.

Could I just throw my hands in the air and yell, _"Guess who's pregnant?" _Probably not.

Sure, a giant balloon with the words 'Congratulations Daddy!' would alleviate the pressure of actually getting the words out of my mouth, but it was Friday night, and I was in the heart of upper-middle class suburbia with no shops and even less money.

To be honest, Edward was lucky I didn't throw the test at him and run, because up until he opened the door, that was my plan. When he did open the door though, I just couldn't do it to him. The confused smile and shaky voice combo was my undoing. I was kind of hoping that I'd imagined his devastating good-looks. That my brain had compensated for the mind-blowing orgasms by making him seem more attractive. I was wrong. He looked exactly as I remembered. Maybe even a little better since my judgement wasn't clouded by the after effects of a big night out.

Good looks aside, I still had to drop the bomb. So in the end, I just stuttered and laughed like a deranged hyena before chickening out and showing him the test, hoping he would catch on.

I don't know what I expected him to do, how I expected him to react. He could have flipped his shit, screamed and yelled. He might have wanted nothing to do with me or the...the...pregnancy, but I wasn't there to ask for his money, or even his blessing, I just wanted him to know. I figured it was only right since it was his, after all.

The flipping out I could handle. Riley had prepared me for the fact that Edward may not have even wanted to know. He went so far as to give me the whole Destiny's Child _'Independent Woman'_ speech. I was a strong, capable woman, who could handle anything. Or so he said.

Actually, what scared me more was the thought of things going in the opposite direction. Maybe he was really old-school and would push for a shotgun wedding. As unlikely as it was, I had nightmarish visions of him dropping to one knee and proposing, and I was NOT ready for that. Hell, I wasn't even sure if I was ready to have a b...b...to be pregnant.

In the end, he seemed relatively calm about it. After inviting me in, he led me through the house into a formal lounge area. So far so good, no marriage proposals or Hulk-like freak outs.

"Just, uh, take a seat. Give me a minute to...do you want a drink? Water? Orange juice? Beer? Not beer, shit, of course not beer." He smacked a hand against his forehead. "Stupid."

God. A beer would have been amazing. In fact, I would have given my left tit for one. But of course, Edward was right, no beer for me. Also, my left tit was probably going be quiet useful later on down the track.

"Water is fine, thank you."

He nodded and disappeared into the kitchen.

I had forgotten how nice his house was. Plush carpeting, soft furnishings, all in matching neutral tones. No leaky ceiling, no peeling linoleum, it was a little bland, but still a shitload nicer than my place. Edward returned a few minutes later, a glass of water in one hand, and what smelled like Scotch in the other. That was another joy I was experiencing with pregnancy. I could smell _everything_. The air freshener someone had used in a bathroom somewhere, the smell of a home cooked meal, the smell of Edward's Scotch. It all combined into one, making my stomach roll with nausea.

He took a seat on the sofa across from me. "So...let's just get this straight. You're pregnant."

I nodded.

"And it's mine."

I raised an eyebrow at him angrily.

"I'm not asking, I'm just confirming," said Edward, his hands up in defense.

I sighed. "I haven't been with anyone since you. And before that..." _Wow. Talk about airing dirty laundry_. "It had been a while," I mumbled, taking a sip of my water.

Edward nodded, taking a big gulp of his drink. His face was tight, almost expressionless as he sat in the chair, alternating between running his fingers through his hair and tugging at it roughly.

"I didn't, I mean, I don't want..." Words were failing me again; my stupid brain was obviously still on standby mode. "I'm not here for money, Edward. You need to know that. I'm just here to let you know, I guess."

He rubbed his forehead roughly, his eyes pressed shut. "How did this happen?"

"Did they not teach you that in Sex-Ed? You know, the whole sperm and egg thing?"

"Not that, Bella. I know where babies come from. I'm asking how this..." he gestured between us, "...happened. I thought you were on the pill?"

I almost choked on a mouthful of water. "What? No. I never said that."

He looked up so fast I'm surprised his head didn't snap right off his neck. "What?"

"I'm not on the pill, Edward. That's why you wore a condom. Which obviously wasn't enough. Apparently you have super swimmers there."

Edwards face paled. "I didn't wear a condom," he whispered hoarsely.

My pulse began a rapid beat. "You what? Why not?"

"You told me not to!"

"I did not!"

We were both standing in a flash, his face red, my heart in my throat. "You did," he spat. "You said 'just do it already'."

His crappy impersonation of my voice just angered me further. "I meant..." I seethed, forcing the words through gritted teeth, "...hurry up and put it on already."

"Well, you need to learn to communicate more effectively in the future."

"And you need to learn how to use a fucking condom!"

We stood facing each other, eyes narrowed, chests heaving as we both fumed. Mother fucker, if I wasn't so angry and knocked up, I would have kissed the shit out of him. He looked so fucking hot when he was angry.

Edward sighed as he took a step back. "You know what? It doesn't matter. It's done now."

His hands found his hair again, raking, pulling, generally abusing his follicles. It was a miracle the guy wasn't bald.

Sighing loudly, he sank back into the sofa, his head resting in his hands. "So, what now? What happens now?"

I shrugged. "I don't know."

Edward opened his mouth to say something, before closing it and then opening it again.

"Have you thought about whether or not you're going to keep it?"

My shoulders slumped. "No. I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow morning. I guess I'll decide after that."

He looked over at me, eyebrows raised. "You haven't seen a doctor yet?"

"Nope. I only found out yesterday afternoon."

Edward nodded, looking kind of hopeful. "Well, you know those tests aren't one-hundred percent accurate. Maybe you're not pregnant after all?"

"I took a dozen tests."

"Oh. Well, I guess you need to go and get checked out anyway. Make sure everything is normal."

"Mhm."

Edward looked down, his fingers stretching and bending between his hands. "I..." He took a deep breath and looked right at me. "I don't know what to say. This is kind of a big thing. I just need some time to process it all."

"It's fine. I understand." I stood up, shoving my hands deep into my pockets. "Like I said, what you do from here is up to you. I don't want you to feel obligated or anything."

The room was still as Edward sat with his head hanging in his hands for a few minutes. In fact, I thought he'd fallen asleep until he looked up at me again. "Look," he paused and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I know this isn't a picture-perfect situation, okay? But whatever happens, Bella, I'm here for you. Like actually _here _here, you know? Not just in the monetary sense. Which of course I am too. But in the support way as well. Whatever you need - it's yours."

I'd never really dealt well with people being nice to me. Especially really, really, ridiculously good looking guys. It tended to make me feel uncomfortable and sweaty. Or maybe that was just the fact that I was pregnant.

I had to get out.

"O-kay. So, I'll let you...do whatever you need to do," I waved a hand at him as he continued to further assault his hair follicles. "Do you want me to come by tomorrow after I've been to the doctor?"

His brows knitted together. "You're leaving?"

It was my turn to fidget nervously. I glanced down, tapping my bare wrist where a watch would have been had I owned one. "Well, yeah. I have to leave now if I'm going to make the last bus."

"You caught the bus here? Alone?"

I shrugged. "Yeah."

Edward looked down at his watch. "It's Friday night and it's pitch black outside. You are not catching the bus."

Wow. Pushy much?

I crossed my arms over my chest petulantly. "Uh, yeah I am."

"But it's late, and who knows what kind of freaks trawl the public transport system at night..."

"You mean freaks like me?"

"No! I mean real freaks who prey on beautiful women late at night, and take them back to their lairs and put them in dungeons."

Dungeons? Edward had obviously never been on the number ninety-six bus. I swear, it stopped at every retirement village this side of the city.

"Well, Edward, it's the bus, get a cab, or walk. And since I don't have the equivalent of a down payment on a house to pay for a cab all the way home, I'd have to walk. Across town. By myself."

"You can stay here."

Edward looked about as shocked as I was as the words popped out of his mouth.

"Here?"

My palms immediately began to sweat as I fidgeted nervously. I was not at all prepared to be spending extended amounts of time with Edward. He was being super nice, and after the breakfast fiasco, I was a little wary of him to say the least. Also, for some reason, going home with a virtual stranger seemed like a much better idea when I was high. Sober it kind of seemed like something my dad would have warned me against. Actually, on second thoughts, Charlie seemed to be all for free love and unity these days, maybe he would have understood.

God. Charlie. How on earth was I going to tell my father I was pregnant?

"I didn't bring anything to sleep in. Or a toothbrush. Or clean underwear," I argued.

Edward shrugged, putting on a resolute front. "You can borrow something from Alice, she's not much smaller than you. And...you didn't seem to mind using my toothbrush the last time."

I blushed. Oh yeah.

Edward lowered his voice, stepping a little closer, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. "Look, I just don't want you out there alone in your...state."

Even though an internal debate was still raging, I gave in. The events of the past forty-eight hours suddenly crashed over me and I realized how tired I really was. Suddenly, as Edward led me through the house, I could barely keep my eyes open and my legs felt like I had sandbags attached to them as I trudged up the stairs.

As tired as I was, as I looked around I noticed how much I had missed the first time I'd been there; toys on the floor, finger paintings on the walls, signs of familial life were scattered all over the house. I guess raging hormones and a one track mind can do that to you.

Edward offered me his bed, which I refused, of course. I did not need to be woozy with morning sickness _and _turned on.

"It's okay, Edward. The couch downstairs will be fine."

"Bella, no. You're..." His hand gestured to my mid-section. Obviously he was having as much trouble vocalizing it as I was. "You can't sleep on the sofa. Apart from the fact that you're in no shape to do so, my sister would beat the shit out of me if she saw that I let you sleep there."

My eyes were almost aching with the effort it took to keep them open. "Guest room?"

Edward shook his head. "It's full of Alice's crap. And the pool room is being re-painted. Just take my bed, please?"

I looked at the king size bed, then at Edward, and then back at the immensely sized bed, complete with fluffy pillows and soft, feather-filed comforter.

"Fuck it." I took the t-shirt from Edward and went into the bathroom to change.

When I came back out minutes later, Edward was still in the bedroom, a pair of pajama pants tucked under his arm. He looked down at my bare legs for just a second too long, making both of us blush.

He turned to face the door abruptly, clearing his throat loudly. "I'll just leave you then."

I scampered into the bed, pulling the covers up around my chin. "Okay."

"If you need anything I'll be downstairs."

I nodded and we said an awkward goodnight.

I'm sure I should have had a fitful sleep, tossing and turning, thinking and worrying, but I didn't. The minute my head hit the pillow I was fast sleep, no doubt drooling all over it. I didn't have any prophetic dreams, no nightmares about being split in two by some mutant hybrid baby, just dark, deep sleep. Quite restful, actually.

Unsure what to do when I woke the next morning, I put my clothes back on and tiptoed downstairs, hoping to say a quick goodbye to Edward before slipping out.

As I stepped into the kitchen, I caught the tail end of a hushed conversation between Edward and Alice.

"...believe you didn't wear a condom, Edward!"

"She told me..."

"Shhh!" Alice whipped around as I approached. "What's up, girlfriend. You sleep okay?"

She smiled sweetly at me as she slipped a plate of breakfast in front of me.

My God, Alice really was something to look at.

She couldn't have been any taller than five foot, but the neon pink stripper heels she was wearing made her almost taller than me. How she got around without breaking an ankle was beyond me. And her outfits? Fuck me. She was like a white-trash hood-rat, complete with black and white leopard print leggings and a black boob tube. Where did she find her clothes? Did she have a mirror? Where was her Riley - the fairy-godmother to tell her "Bitch, you look like a freak!"

I opened my mouth to reply, but was cut off by a loud squawking behind me.

"Momma! Lashawn threw up again."

Cursing under her breath, Alice scooted around me, dishcloth in hand, and I watched as she wiped the vomit from the little boy's face and shirt as he wailed.

Oh God, vomiting and crying. I was not ready for this. Not one bit.

I turned to look at Edward, finding him just as wide-eyed and scared as I was.

"What time is your appointment?"

"Eleven." I turned away, fussing with the cuff of my hoodie. "You don't have to come you know."

Edward nodded solemnly. "Yes I do."

I picked at the food in front of me, nibbling on the dry toast.

"Have you been having morning sickness?" asked Edward quietly, gesturing to the few small bites of toast I'd taken. I half expected him to push me to eat, he seemed like the kind of guy who never started the day without a wholesome breakfast. The closest I ever came to healthy breakfasts were Strawberry Pop Tarts.

I groaned. "Morning sickness, afternoon sickness - the works. And Jesus H Christ, my tits are killing me!"

Edward's eyes widened as I covered my mouth, remembering just a little too late that there was a child still in the room.

"I'll get Alice to find something clean for you," he said, taking a few steps back, his eyes darting between my face and my cloth-covered nipples. Before I could object he was gone, mumbling something about Saturday morning traffic and surgery wait times.

Since Alice was cleaning up the baby and finding me something to wear it was just me and Alice's daughter left in the kitchen.

Chewing on the inside of my mouth, I moved from the breakfast bench to the table, taking a seat across from her.

"Hi," she said with a mouthful of cereal.

I read somewhere once that kids are like animals - they can smell fear. I kept my smile polite and my nerves in check.

"Hi."

"I'm Janetta. What's your name?"

"Bella."

I reached out to shake her hand, which she returned with a confused look. Surreptitiously I wiped my hand on my shirt, trying to clean the milk and cereal mush from my fingers. _God, kids are gross._

She smiled at me, leaving her spoon in the bowl. "You're pretty."

I smiled back, this time for real. She was kind of a cutie. "Thanks. You're pretty too."

She grinned back; baring a gappy and pink gummed mouth at me.

"Wanna see my belly-buddon?"

I didn't even have time to answer. Before I could blink, she had her school shirt up over her head, her tiny little stomach on display.

Edward strolled back into the kitchen with a bundle of clothes in his hands.

"Janetta, pull your shirt down!"

Janetta giggled loudly when Edward tickled her lightly as he passed. "Alice says these should fit you okay. And," he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, putting two little pills on top of the pile in my arms. "These are for your..." His hands gestured to his chest area, making circles. "Your...you know."

Again with the niceness! He was killing me. "Thanks," I replied quietly.

I waved a little goodbye to Janetta, leaving her to giggle maniacally as Edward continued to tease her.

Janetta. Christ, what a name. She was going to hate her Mom when she got old enough to understand.

As I dressed in Edward's bathroom I couldn't help but put a few pros into Edward's column.

He had a stable job. Always a plus.

He was good with children. I'm not talking Mary freaking Poppins, but they didn't scare him like they did me, which was another good thing.

Also, he had a whole bunch of good-looking genes. As freaky as she was, Alice was still a pretty girl, and Edward...well, fuck. Edward was just Edward; Mr. GQ himself. Maybe with his genetics I could have a future pageant queen or supermodel in my belly?

Standing half dressed in front of the mirror, I turned to the side, searching for some kind of evidence of something growing inside of me. Splaying my hands over my abdomen, I tried to feel some movement, or a bump - anything! I even pushed my stomach outwards, trying to imagine what I would look like with a huge bump.

Moving my hands upwards, I ran them over the only things that had changed - my boobs. They had gone from a little less than a handful, to a good handful with a little to spare. But even so, man, they were sore, and sort of firm. Just the slightest touch was painful and it seemed to get a little worse each day. My regular sized bra could barely hold them in without all the excess boob just spilling out of the top - like two muffin tops, but in my bra.

Dropping my hands to my sides, I turned and picked up a t-shirt and threw it over my head.

_What. The. Fuck._

I frantically searched for a sweater or something else in the pile that Edward gave me, but no dice.

On my ass - well, some of my ass - were what could only be described as bright pink booty shorts, with the words _'Juicy Couture' _written across the butt - in sparkly gold lettering to be exact. They looked like workout shorts, or something that someone with an actual booty would wear. Instead, they just hugged my flat ass in all the wrong places and tried to creep up the inside of my legs, as if my vagina was trying to gobble them up.

And the top! It had some hideous glittery motif on it, and was cut lower than I was used to. I tried to pull it up to cover my chest, but that only made the bottom ride up, exposing my stomach.

Jesus. All I needed was some 'bling' to complete my look, and I'd be an extra in a Snoop Dogg music video.

A knock at the bathroom door startled me. "Bella?"

"Um, yeah?" _Fuck_. I could NOT go out looking like Beyonce's pastier, knobbly-kneed sister.

"It's time to go."

Damn Edward for being so fucking punctual. I spun around to look for my sweater, stubbing my toe on the vanity.

"Shit!"

The door knob rattled as Edward tried to open it. "Are you okay? What happened?"

I clutched my foot, limping over to the toilet to sit and have a look. "Nothing. It's fine. I'll be out in a second."

"Are you feeling sick? I could get you some water. Or antacid - Alice said she had really bad reflux when she was pregnant."

Could he _not _be so helpful? Goddamn it! "No it's fine, really."

Assured that my big toe wasn't about to fall off, I slipped it gingerly into my Converse sneaker, tossed my hoodie over the top and opened the door.

"Hey, sorry," I said, tugging the bottom of my hoodie down, trying to cover my behind.

"It's fine. I..." Edward's brows pinched together as he took in my outfit. "Are those Alice's?" He pointed down to the shorts.

"No. These are mine. I'm actually a big fan of Juicy Couture short-shorts that show half my ass off."

Edward's eyes moved from my legs to my face and back again a few times. "You're being sarcastic aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Hm. Okay." He rubbed a hand through his hair. "Just don't bend over or anything."

The look I shot Edward for that remark wiped the frown right off his face.

"Let's just go."

Warm or not outside, I still felt like a cheap-ass ho walking around with my ass exposed. I just wanted to get to the doctor and get it over with so that I could go home and put a nice, comfy pair of sweats on.

We made it to the clinic with time to spare. I opened my wallet to pay with the credit card Riley had so graciously lent me, but Edward got in first, handing over his own. I contemplated arguing with him, but he gave me the very same look I'd given him earlier, and I shut my mouth. Apparently efficiency and generosity was another amiable trait to add to Edward's list.

The wait in the doctor's surgery seemed to take forever. I vacillated between being bored and being nervous. My knee bounced up and down, I flipped through old magazines, I even picked all the old nail polish from my nails. The worse thing was, Edward just sat there right next to me the whole time, flipping through a baby magazine like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Fuck, what I would have given to be inside of his head for just a moment. He seemed so calm and together, like he'd done this a thousand times before.

_Oh shit._ What if he _had_ done this a thousand times before? What if he was one of those polygamists with wives and families spread all over the country? Was the whole condom fiasco just a set-up? Would I have to move into some big commune somewhere, bake bread from scratch, milk cows and plant corn? _Oh shit!_

"Are you a polygamist?"

Edward's head snapped up. "What?"

"I don't know how to bake!"

The more I thought about it, the less likely it was that Edward was the leader of some polygamous cult. His sister didn't seem brain-washed. Well, maybe by MTV, but not by Edward.

"Okay." Edward nodded, looking thoroughly confused. "No baked goods then."

He returned to his reading, giving me a few side-long glances here and there.

Around us were women in different stages of pregnancy. Some with small stomachs, some with ginormous ones. Some women had their babies with them, others looked like they were in the same place as me. I watched as the woman sitting across from me jostled her baby around in her arms, before whipping her right boob out and attaching the baby.

I tried not to look completely engrossed as this kid went to town on her tit. But really, that little thing was sucking on it like there was no tomorrow, even giving it a little slap now and then. The woman just sat there with this dreamy, kind of spaced out look on her face.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward shift in his seat a little. That fucker was perving! On a lady breastfeeding her baby!

I slapped his arm with the back of my hand. "What the fuck?" I mouthed.

Edward's face went bright red as he buried his head back into his magazine.

"Isabella?" I put my hand up and the nurse strolled over. "The doctor will see you now," she said, and Edward and I stood up.

"You're a filthy pervert!" I teased as we made our way down the hallway.

Edward looked at me, his expression a mixture of embarrassment and petulance. "What? It's a boob, Bella. Breastfeeding or not, I'm still a guy, and it's still a boob."

I snorted, trying not to smile. "Whatever."

The nurse showed us into another room. "Dr. Gerandy will be with you shortly."

There were all sorts of posters on the wall, ovulation charts, diagrams of uteruses - uterii? Whatever - both Edward and I could not take our eyes off the table in the center of the room.

"What the fuck is that for?" I asked.

Edward swallowed, clearly a little uncomfortable. "I think that's for you."

"Are you shitting me? I'm not putting my legs in those things!"

I had just started contemplating making a run for it when the door swung open.

"Hello! I'm Dr. Gerandy." He reached out for Edward's hand.

"I'm Edward Cullen, and this is Bella..."

The color drained from Edward's face and his mouth hung open, gaping like a six-foot fish.

"Swan," I said, shaking the doctor's hand. "Bella Swan."

"Okay, you two. What can I do for you today?"

"I took a home pregnancy test, actually I took several, and they came back positive."

The doctor smiled warmly. "Alrighty, well, let's do a test and find out for sure."

This time it was my face that went pale. "Up there?"

Dr. Gerandy laughed, shaking his head. "No, no. That's for much, much later. For now..." He rummaged through a drawer and pulled out a little plastic cup. "...you can just pee in this and we'll test it."

I breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Thank God."

Like magic, a nurse appeared at the door and showed me to the nearest bathroom so that I could pee in privacy.

Now, normally I could pee anywhere, anytime - the only perk of having a child-sized bladder. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the tiniest bit of pee to come out. I don't know how long I sat in the toilet waiting for my bladder to come up with the goods. Too long. In the end I finally got some out, managing to get a decent amount into the cup and disgustingly enough, onto my fingers.

"I was beginning to think you'd fallen in!" Dr. Gerandy joked when I returned. Because, you know, that joke didn't get used often enough by old people.

I sat back down next to a pale looking Edward.

"I can't believe I didn't know your last name," he whispered, hanging his head.

"Well I didn't know yours until you said it. So we're even." I pushed his shoulder with mine softly, offering him a little smile.

The guy needed to loosen up a little. On second thought, that was probably why we were here in the first place. _Carry on, Edward._

"Okay," interrupted the doctor. "We just need to wait for the results. Let's take your blood pressure there, Bella."

Edward was transfixed by the little strip of paper with the results, like he was using all his brain-power to change the outcome of the test.

"Trust me," I said, unzipping my hoodie. "It's not going to change."

I slipped the jacket from the shoulders and plopped my arm up onto the desk and the doctor slipped the arm cuff around my bicep.

Finally, Edward tore his eyes from the riveting experience that was watching my pregnancy test, and looked at me.

"Jesus," he hissed, pulling my jacket back up and draping it over my shoulders. "Does Alice own anything remotely modest?"

I rolled my eyes. "Prude much?"

Edward shot me a withering look as he adjusted the jacket around my shoulders. His discomfort at my shocking display of skin would have been more believable if he didn't keep taking a side-long peek at the girls.

The doctor took the monitor from my arm and I slipped the sleeves of my hoodie back on, making sure to zip it all the way up.

"Looks like you were right, Bella. The test is positive."

Edward and I both exhaled a long sigh.

"So that's it?"

"No that's not it!" laughed the doctor. "Now the fun part begins!"

Dr. Gerandy, or Andrew as he asked us to call him, talked us through our next steps. Scans, diet, blood tests, supplements, check-ups, it was all there.

"You also need to think about where you'd like to have the baby, and who you would like to deliver it. I can give you the names of a few good obstetricians and some good health practitioners for your scans and whatnot."

Listening to the doctor talk about gestational periods and ultrasounds was making my hands sweat.

I don't know when it happened, but all of a sudden shit got real.

"Before you go we just need to get you up on the scales, and then we'll find a due date for you."

The doctor handed a little stack of pamphlets to Edward, who instantly began poring over them like they were Holy Scripture or something.

I couldn't even tell you how I got to the scales or what my weight was. My head was swimming with ultrasound appointments and anti natal classes.

After weighing me, Dr. Gerandy sat down and calculated when I was due.

Edward rested a gentle hand rested on my shoulder. "Bella? Are you okay?"

I nodded, trying to keep at bay the hysteria that was bubbling under the surface.

Dr. Gerandy smiled. "If the date from your last period is correct, Bella, you should give birth right around the eleventh of February next year."

_Give birth._

I was going to _give birth _to something.

A baby. An actual child; a living, breathing entity was going to enter the world via _my _vagina.

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><p><strong>AN: **Thank you to everyone who is still sticking around :) I've been informed that you _are_ still there, quietly lurking. Just know that review or not, thanks.

Big shout out to BellaScotia for recc'ing Lessons. Thanks girl.

Also - if you haven't read The Cellar my iambeagle - git your butt over there. It's in my favorites. Do it.


	8. Breaking The News

**Thank the stars for my awesome beta and pre-reading team. Team. Team, team, team, team...I even love saying the word - Team. Sorry. **

**Krystle and Lemmonpie do their excellent Beta, while Twaggie and AlbyMangroves pre-read like fucking champions. **

**Enjoy :)**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>: It's not mine. I swear.

**Chapter Eight - Breaking The News**

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

Bella cried the entire way home. And not little sniffly weeping - big, loud, snotty sobbing. I was too scared to breathe, let alone try to calm her down. The only time she let up was to point out the directions to her apartment. Even then she snuffled and wailed.

"Le-e-eeeft!"

She sounded like a yowling cat when she cried. But as hideous as the sounds coming out of her mouth were, I couldn't bring myself to be annoyed at her. The fact was, I was a heartbeat away from joining her. I felt like my entire world had tilted on its axis. One minute my biggest problem was whether to wear the gray tie with the black stripes, or the black tie with gray stripes, the next, I was staring down the barrel of fatherhood.

Just the word 'father' made my stomach knot up and my palms sweat. I couldn't even imagine how it must have felt for Bella - actually being the one that was pregnant.

I'd spent a huge chunk of the night before tossing and turning on the sofa bed. Eventually, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I did the only thing I could to keep myself from going insane - I Googled.

I Googled everything.

Pregnancy.

Birth defects.

Paternal testing. Yes, okay? I went there. But the whole idea of asking Bella for a paternity test made me sick to my stomach. Sure, I didn't know her from Eve, but the little I did know about her made me pretty sure she wasn't the kind of person to lie about something like that.

_God._ How stupid could two people be? Between me and my inability to work even the simplest of prophylactics, and Bella and her badly worded "Just do it already" - what sort of a chance did this child have? I mean come on, how did she not notice that I wasn't wearing a condom? Did she think I was wearing the world's thinnest condom? Not even NASA, with its four hundred and seventy-one billion dollar budget could come up with something that realistic.

It was almost three am before I crawled back to the sofa bed, overloaded and stressed out about something called Erythroblastosis. That night I dreamt I was being chased by a huge condom. It mocked me and yelled at me, berating me for not being smart enough to use it when I should have.

Alice had actually been much better about my situation than I thought she would. In fact, she made me promise to do the right thing, to be a man and to be there for Bella. I guess being a single mom endeared Alice to Bella quite quickly.

I'm not going to lie, I held out a very small amount of hope that we would go to the doctor and he would say that every single test that Bella had taken was a false positive and that we were in the clear. Of course, we had no such luck. He just smiled and handed me a stack of pamphlets to read. Like I could keep my eyes to myself once Bella took that damned sweater off! Other than Alice's pitiful excuse for shorts, Bella had kept herself covered up for the most part. But as it had been proven in the waiting room, apparently I was a boob man, and Bella was sporting a new, and rather improved, set of boobs.

By the time we arrived at Bella's apartment, she was quiet again. Hiccupping and sniffling, she led me up the eight flights of stairs to her apartment. Eight!

"The elevator is out of order," she said as she wiped her nose on her sleeve.

I tried to stay calm as she lead me down a hallway towards her apartment. I did my best not to notice the dirty walls and sticky flooring, or that the whole building smelled like an amalgamation of different types of cooking, but in a funky, stale kind of way. And I bit my tongue as Bella used a metal nail file to open the lock on her front door.

"What?" she groused, noticing my slightly pained facial expression. "I lost the keys a while back, and this works just fine," she said holding up the file. "Not like I've got anything worth stealing anyway."

I raised my hands in front of me, keeping my big mouth shut. And it turns out she was right, she really didn't have anything worth stealing. Her furniture was beyond sparse and looked as though it had been picked up from the side of the road. Nothing matched and the television looked to be at least ten years old, it even had a set of rabbit-ears on top. Good luck to the idiot who would try to lug that thing down eight flights of stairs.

There was a huge dark spot in the ceiling over the sofa where the plaster had warped and bubbled; the paint tinged green where mould had seeped in. At least it smelled clean, and the floor wasn't sticky everywhere, just in the patches where the linoleum wasn't bubbled and cracked.

I stood just inside the front door, watching as Bella pottered around doing God knows what, changing her clothes or whatever. I could tell she was kind of embarrassed having me there, she kept shoving things into cupboards and shifting things around while she mumbled apologies. But dirty apartment or not, we had things to discuss. Important things. Life changing things.

As she swooped past me, trying to find somewhere to dispose of an armful of dirty clothing, I grasped her upper arm gently. "It's fine, Bella, seriously. Can you sit down so we can talk?"

Her head dropped and she swallowed thickly. "Okay," she said with a nod, letting the clothes fall in a pile at her feet.

My ass sank so low into the sofa I could almost feel the wooden frame. Getting up was going to be a bit of a problem. Funnily enough, it was surprisingly comfortable, the kind of furniture you could sink into and fall asleep. Well, if it didn't smell like marijuana and Febreze.

Bella picked at her chipped nail polish as I got comfortable and tried to think of something to say. There were a thousand questions flying around my head, but it felt like I couldn't grasp one long enough to get it out. I decided to just cut to the chase.

"What are we going to do?"

With a sharp intake of breath, Bella turned to face me, her hands hidden in the sleeves of her sweater. "I don't know what to do, Edward."

I resisted the urge to collapse in on myself, to curl into a ball on Bella's smelly sofa and cry.

"Before we do anything, you need to decide if you're going to keep the baby."

She swallowed so hard I could hear it. "You're leaving it up to me? That's kind of a big decision to make on my own."

"Yes, but it's yours to make, Bella. I know we don't know each other that well..."

"At all."

I nodded. "Okay, at all. But, whatever you decide to do, I'll support you."

Huffing loudly, Bella threw her hands in the air, letting them fall back into her lap roughly. "That doesn't help!"

"You mean you haven't thought about this at all? About whether or not you're going to keep it?"

Bella shook her head lightly. "I've thought about it, I guess. But, fuck, Edward. Look around you - I'm not exactly living in the lap of luxury here. I have no money, no boyfriend, my family lives on the other side of the country and I start a brand new job next week. How am I supposed to bring a child into this heaping pile of shit I call my life?"

Her cheeks were pink with exertion as she yelled, gesticulating wildly at the apartment around her.

"Okay, so let's think about this rationally. If you decide to keep it, you can move in with me. I have plenty of room for you, and you could have your own space out in the pool house."

Chewing on her thumb nail, Bella nodded.

"As for family...well...you can share mine."

Bella's eyes moved slowly to mine, and I was immediately captured by her soft eyes. Bella was a strong girl, but in that moment she looked so vulnerable, so grateful.

"You don't have to...," she took a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut. "Thank you."

It was a nice, quiet little moment between us as we sat in her dilapidated apartment, smiling at each other. I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "Well, don't thank me just yet. You still have to live with Alice."

A very unladylike snort blasted out of Bella's nose. "Just what I always wanted, my very own Ghetto Barbie, complete with her very own Gangsta Ken."

"Actually, Alice is nothing," I said. "Wait until you meet my parents."

Oh my God. I'd been so preoccupied with coming to terms with it myself that I'd completely forgotten about my parents. I was going to have to break the news to them and didn't have a single clue how they were going to react. My mother had been at me for a while about finding a girl to settle down with, but somehow I didn't think that this was what she meant.

"As for the boyfriend thing," I said, swallowing an unexpected lump of ire in my throat. "I think it's best if you don't worry about that just yet, don't you think?"

Bella's hands went to her stomach immediately. "Is it because I'm fat?" She pressed her shirt against her still flat stomach. "What? You think no one will love a fat, pregnant woman? I'll make my own milk you know. Some men might want that in a woman. I could be useful for unexpected...milk...shortages?"

I raised an eyebrow at her and she dropped her eyes. "Yep. No boyfriends. Got it."

"So," I pressed, nudging her knee with mine. "All that said, what are you thinking?"

Bella gathered all her hair up into her fist, holding it up on top of her head as she took a deep breath, before letting it all tumble down again. "I think, if I choose not to go through with this, I'll never feel right about it. I'm twenty-seven years old, I've never had a stable job, I don't own shit, and I have nothing that I can look at and say 'hey, look at this. I did this.'"

A little swell of pride grew in my chest. Even from what little I knew of Bella, I could see that this was something she was determined to do. For a minute I wasn't scared, I was almost excited.

Almost.

"Do you know what I mean?" she asked, and I nodded. "I'm going to do this. I'm going to raise it right and I'm going to do something that makes my life worthwhile."

By the end of her little speech she was fist pumping the air and close to yelling.

"Well okay then," I agreed. "We're going to have a baby."

Bella's smile faltered a little bit. Apparently the 'B' word was still hard to hear.

"Say it with me, Bella. _Baby_."

"Baby," she whispered.

"Louder."

The color drained from her face. "Baby," she repeated louder. "Oh, fuck!," she yelled, shaking her head as she buried it in her knees. "I don't know shit about raising a child. What if I fuck it up? What if it hates me? What if it turns out to be a socially awkward outcast with a bad haircut? Or worse, a serial killer who cuts off people's scalps and wears them like hats?"

I placed a calming hand gently on her shoulder. "I think the chances of the former are probably pretty high since it will be my child, and I was socially awkward with bright red hair. As for a serial killer - not so much. Unless you intend to breastfeed it until it's twelve."

Bella screwed up her nose, its end still tinged red from wiping it on her sleeve. "Ew."

"Glad we see eye to eye on that."

"So, we're doing this then," she said and I nodded in agreement.

"Should we hug or something? Shake hands?" I asked, holding my arms out awkwardly.  
>Smiling half-heartedly, Bella leaned in and wrapped her arms around my torso, giving me a little squeeze. She was nice to hug, small and soft, and just about the right size.<p>

A noise over her shoulder caught my attention, and suddenly, a rat the size of a small terrier ran out from behind her space heater. I practically screamed, using her body as a shield as it ran by.

"What the fuck?" Bella yelled, her hands out in front of her in what can only be described as a ninja pose. What was she going to do, karate chop the rat to death?

"Did you see that rat?"

"Who? Ratface?" she asked, putting her hands down.

Crawling out from behind her, I put my feet back down on the ground. "You called it Ratface?"

Bella shrugged. "Yeah. Well, I think it's just him. I've only seen one at one time, there could be more than one."

"No! No! Nope. No way. You are not living in a rat infested apartment. Not while you're pregnant with my baby!"

"And where do you suggest I live, Edward? Because it's here or the streets."

I was already grabbing random things off her coffee table and heaping them together, readying her to move. "You're coming to live with me. I've got plenty of space and you don't have to pay rent."

"What? Now?"

"And why not?" I asked. When I looked down I realized that in one hand was a giant pink bong, and in the other was a Nickelback CD.

"It's not mine," said Bella immediately, her eyes flitting between the two.

I narrowed my eyes. "Which one?"

"Uhhhh..." Her mouth opened and closed a few times, her finger moving back and forth between the CD and the bong.

"Let's just throw them both out, shall we?"

She nodded sheepishly.

"Look," I said calmly, tossing the CD over my shoulder. "You're coming to live with me. You have no reason not to and you know it."

"All my stuff is here," she said with a pout.

"What stuff? Your moldy sofa? Your crappy coffee table?"

She crossed her arms over her chest, sulking. "Yes, yes, alright, point taken."

"Good."

"Fine."

"Okay then."

"Ratface is behind you again."

My yelp echoed through the apartment as I scrambled up onto the sofa.

"Just kidding," she sang as she strode past me towards the bedroom.

Two hours and a full car load later, my arms were laden with Bella's bags as we shuffled through my house towards the back.

I didn't even see him until it was too late.

"Sup, Edw...oh, what up, Bella?" drawled Jasper, tilting his chin up at Bella.

I tried to intercept him, but somehow he darted around me, finding his way between Bella and I.

His eyes zoned in on her chest and he smiled. "How you doin', girl?"

Bella looked at me briefly over his shoulder, before smiling politely at Jasper. "Fine thanks, Jasper. How are you?"

He shrugged, jangling his chains and keys and whatever else was hanging off of him.

"A'ight. Just chillin'. Ballin'. You know how it is."

"Yes. Balling and chilling," replied Bella. "Good times."

Like I wasn't even there, Jasper leaned in closer. "Ali tells me you're Edward's baby momma now."

Was he hitting on a pregnant woman? What was up with this guy?

Bella's face flushed pink and she swallowed nervously. "Uh...I..." Her hands clasped protectively over her abdomen. "Yes."

"Jasper," I said pleadingly. "Let her get settled in, okay?" She was obviously uncomfortable.

As anyone would be, with Eminem's uglier brother leering at them.

Jasper stepped back a little, still smiling as he let Bella past. "Fo sho, fo sho, just uh, you know, if you need anythin', you just holla, girl."

"Sure thing," called Bella over her shoulder as she darted past me and into the kitchen.

I scowled at Jasper over the pile of bags in my hands, but he just smiled, making a gesture in front of his chest.

"Fine ass milk titties, right there."

If my hands weren't full, I would have used them to throttle him. As it was they _were _full.

"I swear to God, Jasper. If you so much as look at her boobs again, I'll shove my foot so far up your ass your nose will bleed."

Wide eyed Jasper backed away. "Chill, Edward. I was just sayin', your baby momma got a nice rack. It was a compliment, son."

After some calming breaths and a mental talk-down, I showed Bella to our pool house out the back.

"It's been freshly painted, so it might smell like paint for a bit..."

She snorted, her head swivelling like that girl on the Exorcist as she looked around. "Are you kidding? This place is bigger than my entire apartment!"

I put her stuff down and showed her around the rest of the guest house. She was so insanely impressed at every little thing. The little kitchenette, the laundry behind the bi-fold door in the living room, even the tiny bathroom.

I'll admit it was kind of cute and made me feel proud in a way. I was happy to be able to give her the things that, to me, seemed small, but to her were obviously huge. It made me want to buy her more things, just to be able to see her excited and happy after what had been a pretty shitty few days for the both of us.

I stood at the doorway, unsure of what was supposed to come next.

"So..."

"Yeah, so..."

We both laughed nervously. "Well I might start unpacking," said Bella, gesturing to the bags around her. "And then I'm going to call my Dad."

Right. Shit.

I nodded. "Good idea. I guess we should probably meet each other; your father and I?"

An expression of sheer terror crossed Bella's face. "Huh. I guess so."

Alarm bells were ringing inside my head.

Maybe her father was a Mafia boss, and I was going to end up at the bottom of the river in cement boots. Or maybe he was a gun-toting member of the NRA, ready to hunt me down like big game.

I wasn't a good runner. The bad knee injury I sustained in college saw to that. And I was no good at hide and seek with Janetta; he would find me in an instant! I imagined my head, stuffed and mounted to a board in her father's billiards room, next to her high school boyfriend who tried to cop a feel at the prom. I could just see that conversation now.

_"So, what'd you do?"_

_"Tried to round second base in the back of my car."_

_"Right. Bad luck about that then."_

_"Yeah. You?"_

_"Miscommunication about a condom."_

_"Oh, shit."_

_"Yeah."_

Dear lord.

_Don't be silly. Be a man, Edward._

"So yeah, I'll let you call your Dad. Do you want some lunch? I can make up some sandwiches or something?"

The mention of food roused Bella from her thoughts. "Ugh, no food, thank you though."

I wracked my brain, knowing that she _should _be eating, getting some nutrition, but lost as to what she might _want _to eat.

"What about some peppermint tea? It helps with your nausea."

Bella's brows creased together. "How did you know that?"

"I," I cleared my throat, "I read it on a website."

Playing with the hem of her sweater, Bella grinned and nodded. "That would be nice, thank you."

Leaving her to change and call her father, I figured it best that I do the same. There was no better time than the present.

The phone rang almost a dozen times, and I was about to hang up when my mom picked up, panting and sounding a little flustered.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Mom, it's Edward."

"Edward!" she almost yelled, giggling like a child. "What...no, stop it Carlisle..." I pinched the skin between my brows as I heard my father laughing in the background. "Sorry, Edward, what were you saying?"

"I can call back if you're busy."

Mom giggled some more, whispering chastisements to my father. "No, no, don't be silly. Your father is just being naughty is all."

Oh, Lord. Father and naughty. Two words I didn't need to hear in the same sentence.

"What have you two been doing down there?"

"Oh, goodness, so much! You know, we thought retirement would be boring, but there are just not enough hours in the day! Yesterday, for instance, your father and I had brunch with the Mastersons from next door. We went to the little place down on the pier there. You remember the one - Carlisle had the salmon and eggs again, even after I told him he doesn't eat salmon. But of course, he didn't listen to me. Oh, did you know Martha and Jerry's son is getting married?"

"No."

"Well he is. To a lovely Korean girl he met online. Leanne, or Lillian or something like that. Next September I think they said. Such a lovely time for a wedding, don't you think? Not too hot, not too cool. You should try that, you know?"

"Getting married?"

Mom laughed. "Goodness, no. Online dating. I know young Gillian who works at the juice bar here - oh, Edward she makes the most delicious wheat grass juice, she puts just enough orange juice in..."

My mother could go on like this for hours. Alice and I frequently had conversations with her in which our only words were _Hello_, _Yeah_, and _Bye_. My dad on the other hand was a little quieter. If I got my social awkwardness from anywhere, it was him. He was the king of Dad jokes and tended to rely on my mother for conversation in group situations.

Yep. Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.

"...she's the bikini waxer's daughter of course, and says the best thing for it is..."

"Mom."

"...avocado, you know, right on top of it?"

"MOM!"

"What it is, honey? No need to yell."

"I need to tell you something, and you have to promise not to freak out, okay?"

The line was silent for a beat, and I heard my mom shift the phone a little.

"Oh, dear, this sounds ominous," she said with a laugh. Could the woman take anything seriously? I was having a mid-life crisis, and she was giggling at me. "Hold on, let me put you on speaker so you can talk to your father too."

The high-pitched noise of my mom pressing buttons echoed through the phone. "How do I...which button, Carlisle? Oh, there it is. CAN YOU HEAR US?" I could tell she had her mouth right up to the speaker as she yelled.

"HONEY? ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

"Yes, Mom," I said, putting the receiver back to my ear. "You don't have to yell."

"OKAY...I mean, okay. Sorry."

I shook my head, taking a cleansing breath. This is exactly why I didn't call my parents anymore. It was confusing and it made my head hurt. "Hi, Dad."

"Hello, Edward," Dad replied quietly.

"Go ahead, sweet pea," urged Mom.

"Okay. So, I met a girl a while back. I guess it was...well...it was a one night stand..."

My mom was apparently drunk, because she just laughed again. "Is that it? Bless your heart, Edward, that's nothing. In my day..."

"No! Mom, that's not it. Just listen. We slept together once, and now..." _Deep breaths, Edward. Just tell them._ "She's pregnant."

"Are you kidding me?" she screeched. "Carlisle! Edward's going to be a daddy! Oh, Edward, this is wonderful."

_Wait, what?_

I could hear my father's baritone voice sending me his congratulations through the phone.

"You're happy about this?" I asked, confused.

"Of course we are, honey. We're going to be grandparents again!"

Scrunching my eyes together, I let my head drop onto my desk with a thud. "I knocked up a complete stranger, Mom. This is kind of a disaster."

Mom clucked her tongue loudly as Dad chuckled. "Don't be silly, son. The crashing stock market is a disaster. The supermarket running out of your mother's favorite suntan cream is a disaster. _This _is wonderful!"

I'd resorted to lifting my head slightly, and then letting it slam back on to the desk top.

"This is so exciting! Another baby! We'll have to make a trip up there to meet the lucky lady. What's her name?"

"Bella," I said, my forehead pressed against the desk.

"Such a lovely name. How did you meet? Was it romantic? I bet it was. You've got your father's old fashioned taste for romance. What does she do? Is she pretty? I can't imagine she's not pretty..."

"Esme, dear. Let's just leave that for another day. How are you dealing with it all, son?"

I rolled my head to the side, the phone cradled against my ear. "I don't know if I can do this," I moaned. "This is not the way I envisioned my life."

"Oh, Edward," sighed my mom. "Is this really how you thought your life would be? Single at twenty-eight, working sixty hour weeks with no social calendar to speak of?"

I sat up so quickly my head spun. What kind of a thing was that to say? My life takes an unexpected turn and my mother kicks me right in the proverbial nuts.

"Maybe it is, Mom. Maybe I choose to be single and work as hard as I do."

My mom snorted. "No one _chooses _to be single, Edward. Things happen that you can't control..."

"Well, that's not true," interjected my dad, ever the voice of reason. "He could have controlled this if he'd been smart enough to wear some protection during intercourse."

"I know that Carlisle, what I'm trying to say is that maybe he should embrace this change of life and make it for the better. One night of hot and sweaty sex might be what he needed."

Dad chuckled quietly. "That reminds me of that time in Hawaii..."

My mother, the woman who gave birth to me, practically purred. "When Edward was just four. How could I forget? We went skinny dipping after he went to bed..."

My Dad murmured something back and mom giggled loudly. "Edward? I'm going to have to call you back, okay?"

_Oh, for the love of God._

"Fine."

"I want to hear all about this Bella."

"Fine."

"Love you!" she said with a definite squeak as the sound of my dad spanking my mom reverberated through the phone.

I hung up quickly, too worried that I'd hear something that could quite possibly scar me even more than I already was.

As emotionally exhausting as it had been, that was Mom and Dad out of the way. There was only one other person I could think of to tell. Well, two, seeing as they were kind of a package deal these days.

My cousin Emmett laughed harder than I'd ever heard him, which is saying something, because that guy's voice is like a foghorn. And then, to make things worse, he recounted everything to his wife Rosie, making her laugh just as hard.

In the end I hung up, sulking petulantly.

This was it, the beginning of the rest of my life.

Was I ready to be a Dad? No.

Was I at all prepared? No.

Did I know what I was doing? Hell no!

But was I going to do everything I could make sure I was a good Dad? Yes I was.

Would I make sure that Bella was comfortable and looked after at all times? Absolutely.

_Bella Swan._

She in herself posed a whole new set of questions. She was officially the mother of my child, so was I prepared to spend the rest of my life in her company? And if so, was it enough that we were just amicable toward each other? A child should have stability in its life, should it not?

As wacky as they were, my parents were the model of a good marriage. Thirty years and going strong. Sure, they had their bad days, but I had been brought up in a house full of love, and always looked at my parents as two people I could rely on as a collective, as a whole.

So was it enough for a child to be brought into a house where its parents were almost, kind of, sort of friends?

If the answer was no, then what was I to do about it?

Groaning to myself, I picked the phone back up and pressed redial.

"Hello?"

"It's me again."

Laughter began anew and I was a second away from putting the phone down again, when Emmett stopped.

"Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, really. I'm not laughing at you."

"Really? Because it sounds like you are."

He stifled a giggle. "Okay, I am, but in a totally non-mean, I'm-your-cousin-so-you-can't-stay-mad sort of way. I'm happy for you, man. We both are."

"Okay, great, thanks. Look, I have to talk to you about a few things. Have you got a minute?"

"For you? No."

"Emmett!"

He laughed again. "Joking! God, you are too easy to get riled up. Of course I have time. What's up?"

Sighing, I sat and told Emmett everything. He might have looked like on oversized He-Man doll, but Emmett was actually a good listener. And, thanks to his PHD, a great analytical thinker.

After a good fifteen minutes of hearing me talk, Emmett laid it out for me.

"It seems to me that you've got two options. One: you stay completely neutral on the relationship front. You keep your distance and keep things amicable and nice for the kid. Or two: you make the choice to pursue her, and risk the fact that things might go down the shitter if you screw it up."

I scoffed. "Option two doesn't leave me with a good feeling, Emmett."

"See there's where you're wrong, Edward my friend. Option one, while being the safe option, also leaves her open to date other guys. How does this make you feel?"

My stomach gurgled in protest. "Not good."

"Exactly. It seems to me, that somewhere, deep beneath that cool, calm and collected exterior of yours, you've got the beginnings of what us humans like to call feelings."

"Oh, har har."

Emmett chuckled. "Tell you what, Rose and I will come over and meet the lucky lady you've knocked up, and you and I can have a chat. Whatd'ya say?"

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thank you reading. And for all the new alerts. *Hi guys!***

**Also, sorry if my Nickelback reference offend...no...I don't care. Suck it.**


	9. June

**Thank you to Krystal for being my enabler in all things Rob, and beta rock. And to Alby, who may or may not have quoted NWA mid pre-read. ILY. **

**Also - to Lemmonpie and Twaggie, my SRP beta and pre-reader - I'm sorry for being such a slow ass bitch. I miss you both, and am so very grateful for the effort you both put in xx**

**Enough with that shit.**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>: I own tickets to see Bon Iver in two weeks - which to be honest, trumps owning Twilight. So there, SMeyer.

* * *

><p><strong>June<strong>

"You mean I'm going to be an uncle?"

I sighed into the phone. "In a completely non-blood related way, yes."

Riley was beside himself with excitement and I could hear Jess in the background singing 'You Are My Sunshine.'

"This is so exciting! There's going to be a tiny little Bella running around. I'm so happy for you both. Oh! We'll have to go shopping for some maternity clothes. And cute little baby clothes. And diapers. And a crib. And..."

"Whoa! Just...chill, Riley. It's a little early to be thinking about all that...stuff."

I flopped onto the bed as Riley took a deep, calming breath.

God damn, the bed in Edward's pool house was bigger than some European countries. I could easily roll twice, even three times, and not fall off. Combined with the plasma screen mounted on the wall, I could quite happily spend the rest of my pregnancy holed up in here.

"I wonder if Charlie still has any of your old baby toys?" mused Riley. "What did he say when you told him?"

"Yeah, about that..."

Riley gasped. "You haven't told him? Isabella Bumblebee!"

"I know, I know. I called earlier but no one answered. I think he and Sue are at their yoga class."

"Your Dad does yoga?"

I screwed up my eyes, trying not to imagine my father in the downward-dog position. "He does."

"That's both disturbing and mildly amusing."

"I'm glad you think so."

"So when do we get to meet your baby Daddy?"

"You mean Edward? And who's 'we'?"

"Who else would 'Daddy' be? Daddy Cool? Daddy Warbucks? Yes Edward! Jess and I should meet him seeing as we're the closest thing to a sane family you have."

Riley had no idea how right he was. Especially since I'd just gained a few extra crazies with Edward's family.

After I begrudgingly organized to invite both Jess and him over, Riley made me promise to call Charlie again. Luckily, just as I had worked up the courage, Edward knocked on the door, a steaming cup of tea in one hand and a bunch of random stuff in the other. I tossed the phone aside happily - Charlie would just have to wait a little while longer.

Amazingly, the peppermint tea smelled great. And even more surprisingly, it didn't make me sick. In fact, it made the ever-present queasy feeling in my stomach dissipate a little.

"Thank God," I said, shimmying up onto the bed, suddenly overcome with sleepiness.

Not quite sure what to do with himself, Edward stood at the end of the bed looking awkward.

"I bought you an oil burner with some oil thingies - another one of Alice's remedies. There are some oils you can't use when you're pregnant, but I researched it and the websites didn't say anything about lavender, so I'd say it's safe."

I hummed in appreciation as he set it on the nightstand.

"There's also some candied ginger, and I bought over some tea so you can make more whenever you want. Not to say you can't come into the house - you're welcome to anything that's inside. But, you know, just in case."

Call it hormones, but he looked so fucking adorable flitting around the room all wound up. His hair was a complete mess and his shirt was crumpled and half untucked, leaving him looking thoroughly unkempt and rumpled.

"Do you ever wear anything but a shirt and slacks?" I asked, gesturing to his clothes.

Looking down at his attire, Edward frowned, adjusting his shirt self-consciously. "Uh...I think I have some t-shirts. And maybe some jean shorts somewhere," he mused.

"Jean shorts?"

"I might've not been shopping in a while," he said with a smile as he passed me the opened bag of ginger. Tentatively, I pulled one out, giving it a little sniff first.

Stomach not gurgling.

Mouth not watering.

Bile still in gall bladder.

It looked like the ginger was a go.

"So, I invited my cousin and his wife around for dinner next Sunday night," Edward said, finally coming to rest beside me on the bed. I moved my legs a little, making some room for him on the edge nearest me.

"Should I brace myself? Your cousin doesn't wear women's clothes does he?"

Edward shook his head, smiling. "No. Emmett and Rose are actually pretty normal."

Sipping on my tea, I watched Edward fiddle with the TV remote, programming channels or something. The enormity of everything he'd done for me suddenly hit. It had only been twenty-four hours since I'd turned up on his doorstep - a freaking mess - and now here I was, sipping tea in my very own room.

"I'll have the cable company connect up the channels this week if you like..."

He rambled on about Lifestyle channels and baby shows, getting a little pale-faced at something called 'One Born Every Minute'. In that very moment I decided that there was no one else I would rather go through this with. Who else would invite a practical stranger into their home and make them tea? Share their family? Bring them ginger nibble things?

"Edward?"

He turned to face me, remote still in hand. "Yeah?"

Scooting closer, I swung my legs over the side of the bed, my hip and shoulder pressing against his. Being this close to him felt good. Familiar.

"Thank you."

Edward breathed deeply, taking my hand in his softly. "I'm glad you're here, Bella."

The combination of his words and his thumb tracing gentle patterns on the back of my hand, made my skin warm and my heart swell. There was no better feeling than being wanted. It was nice.

We sat in the guest house, watching the sun set over Edward's back yard, my hand in his. Finally, it felt like something had clicked. Days of uncertainty and stress almost faded away, and now that I knew I had Edward behind me one hundred percent, I felt like I could start to move forward.

* * *

><p>A week after I'd moved in, Edward had his cousin Emmett over for dinner. He assured me that Emmett, and his wife Rosalie, were two of the more sane members of the family. But, nevertheless, I was keen to see what other interesting quirks the Cullen gene pool held.<p>

I did my best to look presentable: washed my hair, wore clean clothes, the works. Yeah, it was just jeans and a tank top, but hey, it wasn't a neon pink, leopard print dress - which was what Alice chose.

The lingering nausea was still leaving me tired and feeling shitty, but I'd found a great remedy in the tea and ginger. The essential oils on the other hand didn't go so well. I used way too many drops and almost overdosed on lavender.

When dinner time came around, Alice was busy organizing the meal: stirring, chopping, baking, all that shit. I thought about lending a hand, but unless she needed something taken out of a container or a bowl of Easy Mac, I was no help. I figured it was as good a time as any to get some kid-practice in. Lucky for me, Janetta was sitting at the coffee table with a box of crayons spread out around her.

"What are you drawing?" I asked, sliding down onto the floor beside her.

Leaning a little closer, I got a whiff of peanut butter, green grass and grape flavored Bubble Tape. It was sort of nice, although I was under no illusions that kids smelled great all the time.

"It's a horse."

I looked down at the picture. It looked like a big pink scribble with some brown bits here and there.

"Oh, yeah," I lied, nodding my head. "There's his head, right?" I asked, pointing to one side of the blob.

"That's his tail."

_Of course._

"And what's this here?" I asked, pointing to a large red square thing in the middle of the page.

Janetta rolled her eyes. A three-year-old rolled her eyes at me. "It's his hat," she said matter-of-factly. As if all horses wore hats.

_Kids_.

The front doorbell rang and Janetta was up and out of her seat faster than a speeding bullet. You would have thought Christmas had come again the way she was carrying on. Screaming, jumping up and down and flailing her arms around wildly.

"Unca Emmett's here! Mommy! MOMMY!" she screamed, running for the door.

Suddenly nervous, I stood and neatened myself up. Edward came to stand beside me, smiling reassuringly. "Don't worry," he said, placing a hand gently on my lower back. "You'll do fine."

Alice lead Emmett and Rosalie into the kitchen, her stripper heels click-clacking with every step.

Janetta had attached herself to Emmett's leg, giggling as he walked on like she weighed nothing.

Edward stepped forward to greet both Emmett and his wife, giving Emmett one of those one-armed, half-hug-back-slap things, and Rose a kiss on the cheek.

"Emmett, Rose - this is Bella."

I didn't miss the little nervous smile on Edward's face as he introduced us. Emmett pushed past Edward and walked right over to me, holding out a hand that was easily twice as big as mine. "Nice to meet you, Bella." He shook my arm so hard my whole body shook.

"Careful with her, Emmett. She's breakable."

Mumbling an awkward greeting, I shook his hand, marvelling at the size of him. Emmett was a bizarre mix of linebacker and geek. His huge frame would have made him look completely imposing if it weren't for the dark-rimmed reading glasses and flip-flops.

"Welcome to the family. Say, you haven't seen a little girl running around here, have you?" he asked, ignoring the cackling child at his feet.

Perplexed, I looked down at Janetta. Maybe they were those special non-prescription hipster glasses. He didn't look like a hipster - but then isn't that the point?

Emmett put his hands on his hips, looking around the kitchen. "She's about three foot tall, curly hair, answers to the name 'Fart Face'."

Well, Fart Face was almost better than Janetta.

"I not Fart Face!" she squealed, sinking her teeth into his calf.

Emmett yelped before reaching down and grabbing her, tossing her in the air like a ragdoll. Her face was bright red from laughing so hard, also because he was holding her upside down by her feet.

"Emmett!" scolded Rosalie, slapping him on the arm as he jiggled Janetta around, making her laugh even harder. "Netty doesn't need you making her any crazier. Hi, I'm Rose."

She didn't call me 'girlfriend', or 'sister'. She wasn't wearing a bandanna or gang colors. Was it possible she and Emmett really were normal?

"Bella," I replied.

Rose waited for a beat and then pulled me into a hug. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Edward told us about the...," she looked down at Janetta, "the B-A-B-Y."

"Oh, yeah," I replied, holding my hand over my belly instinctively.

"Yeah, we're super excited for the both of you," said Emmett as he put Janetta back on the floor gently. "It's going to be fun."

Fun. Was he serious? I was puking more regularly than a supermodel and could barely keep my eyes open for longer than two hours at a time. If this was fun, I wanted a refund.

Alice shooed us outside with the kids while she finished cooking dinner. How she could feel comfortable cooking in a tiny pink dress and heels, I would never know.

"So how far along are you?" asked Rose.

"Almost seven weeks," I replied, watching Edward and Emmett play with the kids.

"How are you feeling?"

I snorted. "Crappy."

"Morning sickness?"

I nodded.

"Dizziness?"

"Yep."

"Have the tears started yet?"

"The what?"

Rose smiled. "I'll take that as a no. But I bet your tits are hurting like a motherfu - uh, motherfudger," she corrected, realizing we were in earshot of children.

"You have no idea," I replied.

Rose and I watched Emmett and Edward sit in the tiny cubby house, drinking pretend tea with Janetta and her teddies. Turns out I was right too, Emmett and Rose were actually pretty normal. Well, semi-normal.

It wasn't enough that she was ridiculously beautiful and super nice, Rose was a fucking rocket scientist as well. Seriously, the woman was a physicist. Quantum mechanics to be precise. She met Emmett - an astrophysicist - at the research lab three years ago and it had been love at first nanoparticle. Although, it was hard to reconcile the Emmett that wrote a science journal article on stellar evolution, to the Emmett that was currently walking on all fours in Edward's back yard, barking like a dog.

"Wow. Kids love all this pretend stuff don't they?" I asked, watching Janetta sit on top of Emmett, riding him like a horse.

Rose nodded thoughtfully. "They really do. I don't think I love anything as much as they love things. I mean, I like chocolate, but I don't flip out about it. I don't scream and laugh, you know?"

I nodded in agreement. "Completely. Kids are just crazy for this shi...oh...uh...shmoop."

"Shmoop?" Rose said with a raised eyebrow. "That's the best you got? Shmoop?"

"Faster, faster!" screamed Janetta, kicking Emmett in the sides brutally as he crawled around the backyard.

"Shmoop is better than motherfudger, Rose," he said as he passed.

Rose raised her brows, nodding. "True."

Edward sat next to me, bouncing Lashawn on his knee. I had to admit, for a baby, Lashawn was kind of a cutie.

"You want a hold?" asked Edward, watching me watch the kid in his arms.

"Uhh...no. No it's fine. I don't want to break it."

Edward laughed, shaking his head. "You won't break him. Hold out your arms."

Rose watched in amusement as Edward put the baby into my outstretched arms. The little dude was heavier than I expected. But he didn't cry and he didn't shit himself, so that was a plus.

"Smell him," whispered Rose beside me.

"What?" I laughed. "You're insane."

Leaning forward, Rose pressed her nose to the soft hair on Lashawn's head, inhaling lightly. "He smells so good. Go on. Do it."

Looking slightly dazed, Edward urged me forward with a nod.

O-kay, so smelling a baby - not on my list of things I usually do on a Sunday afternoon, but off I went anyway. And...it was okay. In fact, it was pretty good; like baby powder. And his skin was really smooth and warm.

"It's nice." I looked down at him, pretty amazed at the fact that he was built like me, just tinier. Tiny little fingers, with itty-bitty nails on the end and...

"Oh, fuuuuuu..." _don't swear!_"...uuudgeballs!"

A little puddle of milky coloured vomit dribbling off Lashawn's chin and rolling down my leg,

"Crap," hissed Edward, taking Lashawn from me. "I'll get you a washcloth."

I turned to Rose, looking for help, only to find her paler than the vomit on my leg.

"God darn it," she said, covering her mouth with her hand.

Edward brought me back a damp cloth, taking the baby back as I wiped the vomit off my leg.

"Is it gone?" asked Rose, blocking her nose with her fingers, her eyes closed.

"Yeah, it's gone."

Rose smiled apologetically. "Sorry. I don't handle vomit well. Any bodily fluids, actually."

As noisy as it was sitting around the dinner table, it was really kind of cool watching a family other than my own interact. Dinner time with Charlie and Sue usually meant saying a prayer to whichever God Sue was praying to that week, and a meal of low-fat vegan something or other. Conversation flowed easily, and Rose was really good at making sure I didn't feel left out.

"Did you help cook, Bella?" asked Rosalie, pointing to the dinner.

I shook my head. "No! No, I don't cook."

Alice stopped chewing, watching me out the side of her eye. Rosalie just cocked her head to the side. "You don't cook...meat?"

"I don't cook food."

"Oh," she replied politely. "Well, me neither, unless you count Ramen noodles or macaroni cheese. But I'm learning."

Did I mention I kind of liked Rose?

"Damn, girl," commented Alice, waving her fork at Rose. "You eatin' like you on death row."

Rose's chewing slowed as she looked around the quiet table, her fork hanging mid-air.

"So, Bella... Where are you from? What do you do? Do you have any brothers or sisters?" She fired a list of questions at me, one after the other. I liked her, but there was something shifty going on with her.

"Washington. I work in a dental clinic. And, no, I'm an only child."

Rose narrowed her eyes as she shovelled another spoonful of food onto her plate. Alice was right; the girl had an appetite that would put a football team to shame. But she was avoiding something and I wanted to know what it was.

"Uh-huh," she said as she gestured for Emmett to pass the sauce. "And how did you and Edward meet?"

"We met at a gay bar."

"I knew it. I flipping knew it!" exclaimed Emmett, howling with laughter.

Edward coughed, choking on his dinner. "It was not like that. Bella, tell him."

I shrugged, pushing my uneaten dinner around my plate. "I don't know. You can dance better than most men I know."

Emmett was practically hyperventilating as Edward stuttered and shook his head, his face beet red. "Lots of guys who aren't gay can dance. Justin Timberlake?"

Rosalie snorted. "Questionable at best. Justin Bieber can dance too."

"He's not..."

"George Michael," I interrupted.

"The Village People," said Alice, doing a little impromptu YMCA at the table.

"Ricky Martin," said Emmett, also doing a little dance in his seat.

"Yes. Okay. I get it. For the record, I was taken to the club by work colleagues and I was drunk. Anyway, I think the fact that Bella is...with child...is proof enough that I don't swing that way."

Edward was just too easy to get flustered, but I felt bad for the guy; having to defend his sexuality at the dinner table was never easy. "He's right," I conceded. "Anyone who can rock my world the way he did definitely isn't batting for the other team."

Blushing slightly, Edward sat up straighter in his chair as Alice made a face of disgust.

"Uh, that's nasty."

"What does drunk mean?" Janetta asked. Man, that girl was like a little sponge, she just sucked up everything you said.

"Drunk is when you have too much chocolate milk, and then you feel sick," answered Alice.

Janetta nodded. "I get drunk all the time! Sometimes Daddy and me get drunk after school!"

Alice groaned as we hid our amusement. It was times like this where you wished Bill Cosby was around, because, fuck me, kids say the funniest shit. I figured dinner was finished when Lashawn, or "Pooper" as Emmett called him, stuck a carrot in his nose and then vomited all over himself.

_Been there, little buddy. Vomiting on yourself always means bed time for me._

Alice took him, cleaned him up and plopped him back in the high chair. It didn't escape my notice that Alice had been noticeably quiet at dinner. In fact, she'd been quiet for most of the week. Apart from the basics, she really didn't have a whole lot to say to me. She was slamming back the wine like a champion though. While Edward and Emmett were finishing their second glasses, she was polishing off a fifth and a little unsteady on her heels.

The conversation was easy with Emmett and Rose around, though I kept a close eye on the latter. And when she finished her dessert and mine, and then another bowl full, I had her pegged. She was a sneaky bitch, but I was onto her.

"Wine, Rose?" I asked, hovering the bottle over her glass.

"No!" both she and Emmett said as she held her hand out, covering the rim.

Her eyes widened and she gulped as I cocked an eyebrow at her. She knew I knew, and I knew she knew I knew.

"Okay, spill," I said, putting the bottle down, only to have Alice swipe it. "I just met you and I can already see you two are hiding something."

Edward crossed his arms over his chest, eyeing Rose smugly. "Bella's right. What's going on?"

Rose looked at Emmett; he knew she knew...I...knew? "What do you mean?" he asked, looking cool as a cucumber.

"The aversion to baby vomit - I'll give you that. But sore boobs? Appetite that rivals a teenage boy's..."

"Okay!" Rose held up a hand, silencing me. "We didn't want to say anything because this is supposed to be about Edward and Bella, but..."

Emmett laid a hand on top of Rose's as his eyes welled up. I didn't think that guy could have plastered a bigger smile on his face.

"We're having a baby!"

Edward and Alice both erupted into cheers, which in turn scared the crap out of Lashawn and made him cry. There were pats on backs and handshakes, and I think Emmett cried more than anyone. I stood back, unsure where I fit in, but happy to smile and say encouraging things.

"Come here!" said Emmett as he scooped me up and spun me around, my body flopping around like a rag doll as he turned us in circles.

"We're family now, Bella. No more handshakes for us!"

Thankfully I kept down what little food was in my stomach, and after I regained my bearings and the room stopped spinning, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and congratulations. Both he and Rosalie seemed to be over the moon about the pregnancy, and I had to admit, it was nice to know that someone was going through the same thing I was.

"This is amazing. I'm so happy for you both," said Edward, hugging an almost sobbing Emmett.

I figured since everyone was hugging and shit, I might as well get in on the action. "How many weeks are you?" I asked as Rose threw her arms around me again.

"About ten weeks," she said in a high pitched voice as she clapped her hands together. Christ, I didn't know how she held the news in, she looked like she was about to explode with excitement. Also, why wasn't she struck down by debilitating nausea the way I was? Some people got all the luck.

"We're going to be due around the same time! Isn't that exciting?"

I clapped along with her. I was not jumping though, my stomach couldn't handle that kind of jiggling.

"Okay, Emmett," soothed Edward, patting his cousin's back. "Stop crying now."

"I'm just so h-h-h-happy."

I caught Edward's eyes over Emmett's shoulder, and he looked like a mixture of concerned and uncomfortable. I guess having a two hundred pound man cry into your shoulder could be a little disconcerting.

Later that evening, I found Alice at the sink washing the dishes from dinner and figured it would be a good time to find out what was up her butt.

"Want a hand?"

Alice shrugged. "Sure."

I grabbed the dishcloth from beside the sink and started drying. If I thought I'd been imagining Alice's weird attitude towards me earlier, I certainly wasn't now. She didn't say a word, instead focusing on the bubbles in the sink like they held the answer to world hunger.

"Dinner was really awesome. What was that sauce you made?" I asked, trying to break the tension.

"Gravy."

"Oh."

Jesus, could she give me something? The conversation was colder than a whore's heart.

"So...how about that Snoop Dogg, huh? With his...rapping...and...other...Snoop-like qualities."

"What's going on with you and Edward?"

I was a little stunned at her sudden intense line of questioning. "You mean, are we fucking?"

She slammed a plate down into the draining rack. "I mean, are you two a couple? Boyfriend and girlfriend. Partners. Amigos...whatever."

"I don't know."

Snapping the rubber gloves off her hands, Alice turned to me. "Okay. What you and Edward decide to do in terms of a relationship is up to you." She stepped a little closer, her hands on her hips. "But let me make this clear, Bella. If you hurt him, or in any way shape or form keep him from his child - I will end you. Understand?"

_Holy shitballs._

"Understood."

Alice relaxed her stance a little, leaning her hip on the sink "Edward can be a little..."

"Highly strung?"

"No..."

"Clueless?"

"No! Naive. He might seem like a bit of a dick sometimes, but he's a good guy. It's just that sometimes he doesn't see when other people are taking advantage of him. So, I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen, okay?"

"Alice, I get it."

As disconcerting as her little speech was, it made me happy to know that Edward had someone looking out for him. Like a little ghetto Pitbull.

"I'm not out to hurt Edward. I want what's best for our baby, and that means making sure it has a daddy. Plus...well..." That pesky nausea seemed to be making an appearance again, "it's not like Edward is exactly hard on the eyes."

Alice turned back to the sink, but I caught the grin on her face.

"It just makes things easier, you know? Having something pretty to look at while I'm throwing up everything I eat."

"Uh-huh," she replied, smirking.

She was on to me.

"So, since we're getting all personal and shit," I said, resuming my drying duties. "What's up with you and Jasper?"

Alice rolled her eyes, scrubbing the shit out of a poor saucepan. "How much time you got?"

"Eight months," I said patting my belly. "Might as well start now."

She sighed, filled her wine glass, chugged it, and kept scrubbing. "I met Jasper at high school. We were sixteen. I knew he was the one the moment he sang 'Fuck the Police' to me on our first date."

"How..." _strange_, "...sweet?"

She nodded, smiling wistfully at the memory. "I fell pregnant when I was nineteen. Jasper promised me he'd get a better job, that he'd take care of me and the baby. And he did - for a while. But six months after Janetta was born, we were still living at his mamma's house and Jasper still didn't have a job. So, when I fell pregnant with Lashawn, I moved in with my parents hoping it would give Jasper a wakeup call; make him realize that he needed to get his shit together. Of course, it's almost two years later and here I am."

"When did you come to live with Edward?"

"Just after Lashawn was born. Mom and Dad sold their place and moved down to Florida. I looked for somewhere cheaper to live, but Edward offered us the rooms here. Like I said, he's a good guy."

I smiled, watching him moving around the yard, picking up the kids' toys. "He is."

"I love Jasper, I do," said Alice, swishing her hand around in the sink water, watching it empty down the drain. "But I need someone who can provide for the kids, someone with some stability who doesn't let his mom wash his underwear."

Wow. It was scary how much Jasper reminded me of myself about two months ago. No job, no money, no hope. Falling pregnant might very well have been the best thing I'd done in a long time, even if it was accidental.

Alice suddenly threw her skinny little arms around me, almost knocking me off my feet. "I'm sorry for being a nasty bitch, Bella!"

I tried to pat her back even though my arms were pinned to my side. She might have been small, but Alice had some serious muscle. "It's fine, really."

"No! You don't understand!" she wailed. "I needed someone to be there for me and the kids, and for so long that's been Edward. And then when you came along, I got scared that you would take him away from me, but now I know it just means I've got more family than ever!"

_Oh dear Lord._

"And now Rose and Emmett are having a baby, which means two babies in the family! And we can all go and buy baby stuff together, and get pedis and I can organize your baby shower..."

Fuck me. Riley was going to love this girl.

"Alice!"

I turned my head to see Edward watching his sister manhandle me.

"You're scaring her. Let her go."

"Whatever," said Alice. "We're family now. She's stuck with me!"

"No," argued Edward. "She's stuck with me. You're just an unfortunate side effect."

Alice scowled. "Your face is an unfortunate side effect," she spat, shoving him.

"Nice come back, did Janetta teach you that one?"

Alice opened her mouth to fire back, but I silenced her with a hand over her mouth. "Okay, enough. I'm much too tired to listen to you two argue like sixteen year olds."

Hands in his pockets, Edward sidled over towards me. "You're tired?"

I nodded. "Exhausted."

Alice said goodnight with another hug. I swear, I'd been hugged more in one day than I had in my entire life. Edward ruffled her hair roughly and she took a swipe at his kidneys, only to miss and almost fall on her ass.

Edward chuckled as he led me out toward the pool house. The night had cooled off a little and the sky was clear. The water in the pool reflected the stars perfectly, like a huge mirror. Edward walked me to the door of the pool house, his hand brushing against my lower back. It was kind of like being walked home after a date. Only it wasn't since I was already pregnant with his child and we were already at his house. Okay, so my logic was flawed, but it was romantic, okay?

"So."

"So."

"That was Emmett and Rose."

I nodded, rocking back and forth on my heels. "Yes it was."

"It went okay, right? Emmett didn't break any bones?"

I giggled, remembering his crazy, whirly-bird hugs. "Nope. I think everything is intact."

I could tell Edward wanted to say more, but in true stick-up-his-ass-Edward style he just clammed up. "Right, well. I'll let you get to bed."

"Jesus. You Cullens!"

"Sorry?" he chuckled, looking confused.

"What is it with you men and displaying emotion? Just say it, Edward. Whatever it is that's on your mind, tell me."

"Just tell you?"

"Yep."

"Just come right out and say what's on my mind?"

"It works for me."

He grinned, looking amused and a little nervous. "Okay. So...I was thinking...crap...okay, I was thinking how nice you look tonight."

Butterflies exploded in my stomach. It wasn't at all what I had expected him to say. Nevertheless, it was nice to hear.

"Just nice?" I teased, hoping that the lack of light outside would hide my eye-crinkling grin.

"Pretty."

I smoothed out my hair, smiling. "Thank you."

Edward grinned, rubbing his eyebrow. "Yeah...well...any time. Night, Bella." His hand reached out and brushed against mine gently before he turned and walked away.

I watched him retreat across the back yard, head down, hands stuffed in pockets. Was it possible that beyond the fact that we were having a child, we were connecting? Maybe, dare I say it, falling for each other?

Surely not!

No way.

Although, I wasn't completely honest with Alice when I mentioned he was easy on the eyes. That wasn't the only reason I liked having him around. As clueless as he was, he was thoughtful. He made me a cup of tea in the mornings so I could drink it on the way to work. He kept a paper bag in the car in case I felt sick while we were driving. Vomiting on myself in his car was a lesson for both of us. And I'd noticed little things like the way he touched my lower back earlier, or how he draped his arm across the back of my seat at dinner.

Was it kind of possessive? Yes.

Did it kind of turn me on? Fuck yes.

So much was changing, and so quickly. Sometimes it felt like I was on a ride: left, right, round and round, upside down. It was tiring and kind of scary, but frankly, I was pretty happy to just hang on and enjoy it.

Looking down at my stomach as I showered that night, I wondered how long it would have taken me to realize I was pregnant if I hadn't been sick. Riley was probably right, I would have been one of those moms who have their baby in a toilet.

Turning my face upward into the stream of water, I silently thanked God that my "morning" sickness seemed to be abating a little. I hadn't puked in almost six hours.

Everything in this house seemed to be double sized, as if Edward were a giant. It was the kind of shower you could run around in, if you weren't a complete spaz and likely to break your neck.

Wrapped in a huge fluffy blue towel, I figured I would try Dad one more time before bed.

The phone rang once, twice, a third time.

_Don't be home._

_Don't be home._

"Soul Flower Organic Market and Alternative Therapies, this is Sue."

_Oh, fuck._

"Hey, Sue. It's, Bella."

"Bella! How are you, Starshine?"

"I'm...fine. Thanks."

"Have you been taking those herbal supplements I sent you?"

I vaguely remembered a bottle of something that smelled like armpit and tree roots in the very back of my bathroom cupboard.

"Yep. Every day."

"Good. They've done wonders for your father and I. His hair is so shiny, and his libido is..."

"Is he there?" Oh my God. Peppermint Tea be damned, my stomach could not handle where Sue was going with that sentence.

"Oh, sure..." she went silent for a moment. "Are you sure you're okay? I'm feeling some strange vibes from you. Have you had your chakras aligned lately?"

"Yeah, that's it. Sorry, but is Charlie there?"

"Uh-huh," she said, sounding unconvinced, "He's out back. I'll get him."

My poor lower lip was almost a bloody mess by the time Charlie made it to the phone.

"Hello, sweet pea."

I felt a strange sense of relief and heightened nerves as Charlie spoke. As open minded as he was, he was still my dad: the guy who cried the day I got my first period, who still kept my baby photos on the mantel piece, who probably liked to pretend that I was asexual.

"What's up? How's the big city treating my baby girl?"

See? That right there was why I was shitting my pants.

"I'm doing okay. I got a job."

"Oh, Bella. That's excellent!"

"Yeah. It's great, I really like it."

"I'm so proud. Those idiots...pardon my French...at McDonalds didn't know a good thing when they let you go. Imagine firing someone because of a little thing like being late."

"Yeah. Imagine."

Did I mention I tended to stretch the truth when I told my dad things? When I said that I was late _once_, what I'd actually meant was, I was late_ a lot_. In fact, I was late to every single shift I had. And I ate on the job. A big no-no in the eyes of Mr. Ronald McDonald apparently.

"So...I've met someone."

I figured it might be easier to soften the blow by easing Charlie into it a little. And it wasn't a lie, I did meet someone. I just wasn't going to go into specifics on how we met.

"Uhhh...okay. Is it that feller with the blonde hair? The one who went with Sue to see that Enrique singer?"

"No, Dad. That's Riley. I told you, he's just a friend. This is someone else. Someone who isn't gay. His name is Edward."

"Edward, huh? And what does Edward do?"

"He works for an insurance company. But, that's beside the point. I..."

_Fuck. Fuckingfuckfuckfuck._

"Dad, I'm pregnant."

"Dad?"

...

...

"Are you there, Bella?"

"Sue?"

"Your father is...well...he's not really able to talk right now. But I'm so happy for you! A child is a blessing and a wonderful part of being a woman. Your father will come around. He's just a little shocked at the moment."

"Can you tell him that I'd like to introduce him to Edward? Maybe come over to his place for dinner next week?"

"Charlie! Stop that. Remember your breathing exercises. I'm so sorry, Bella. Your father is taking out his issues on my vegetable patch. We'll call you back when he's centered himself again."

"Will he be okay?"

"Your father? Of course. I'll talk to him about dinner next week."

"Thanks, Sue."

"You're welcome, blossom. CHARLIE! Stop squashing my pumpkins!"

So, okay. It didn't sound good. But he hadn't loaded his gun - which I knew he still kept unbeknownst to Sue. So that was a good thing.

About an hour later he called back, barely understandable as he sobbed uncontrollably into the phone. Something about his baby having a baby. And that yes, he would indeed be there for dinner the following week.

Dinner with Edward's family and mine.

That was going to be interesting.

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><p><strong>AN** If you're wondering, the chapters will now move month to month. Otherwise we'd be here forever. In case I don't get to update again any time soon - make sure you check out the Truly Anon Contest entries - there are ninety-freaking-seven. Yeah, you heard me. And there are some fucking doozies. Also, the TwiSciFi Contest is coming up and ohmyfdsdjslsads - i'm excited. Keep an eye out for that too. I'm always around on Twitter, stalking, lurking, porning, writing - call me ;)


	10. Love Is Sharing Your Crayons

**I know. I know. Sorry. **

**Krystal and Alby are actually still with me. I know, right? How great are they. **

**Also, this chapter is dedicated to randomandupsidedown. See? I UPDATE! LOL**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I don't own Twilight, or its characters. But I do own this plot, so please don't steal it.

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><p><strong>July - Love is Sharing Your Crayons.<strong>

"You go on in, Edward," said Irina, her bony hand patting me on the behind as I opened the door into Mr. Kuntz' office.

"Edward! My man!" bellowed Richard as I closed the door behind me, leaving a lipstick-toothed Irina to her handsy self.

As usual, Richard's handshake was cold and clammy, and I had to resist the urge to wipe my hand on my pants as I took a seat.

My plan of attack for our Monday morning meeting was to lean right back into my chair, hopefully avoiding any stray spitballs and bad breath. So far it had worked - it had been three weeks and counting since I'd encountered saliva, and or the effects of his ever worsening halitosis.

"Seems like you're settling in to your job role okay then?"

I nodded, grinning. "Absolutely. Everyone has been very helpful."

He clapped his hand together. "Excellent. So I take it you'll be attending the ball?"

As if the spitting, body odor and clammy hands weren't enough, this morning his nose was whistling too. Every time he breathed in it made this irritating little _peep_ noise. It was one of those sounds that once I heard it, I couldn't _un_-hear it. He might as well have been breathing into a megaphone; it was _that _loud.

"Ball? Oh, the fundraiser. Yes, of course."

Tenting his fingers, Richard creased his brows in thought for a moment. All I could hear was the ticking of the clock on the far wall, and his nose. _Peep. Peep. Peeeeeep._

Standing from his chair, he moved to sit in front of me, and like a fat, balding version of _The Nann_y, he lifted a leg and perched himself on the edge of the desk. "Are you taking anyone to the ball, Edward?"

_Oh, crap. Not this again._

"I…uh…aren't you taking your wife, Richard?"

He laughed, slapping a sausage-fingered hand on his thigh. "You're a funny one!"

Reaching into his breast pocket, he pulled out his wallet and flipped it open. "This is my daughter Misty."

Something that looked like a prom photo was stuffed into the picture display of his wallet.

I smiled, looking at photo. "She's lovely." It was a lie. She looked like Miss American Redneck 1984, with her bleached-blonde frizzy perm and false lashes.

Richard beamed at the photo as I handed it back. "I know you're still adjusting to normal life , but I could introduce you two. She's a doll, my Misty. Maybe you'd like to take her to the fundraiser?"

"Wow, Richard," I spluttered, trying to think of a good reason to not take his hideous daughter to the ball. "You know, I would, but I already have a date for the ball."

_Note to self: ask Bella if she would like to be my date for the ball_.

"You do?"

I nodded, just happy to see him placated. For a moment I was worried he was going to press the issue. I mean, I read the fine print on my new employment contract, but you never know when they're going to sneak in something like,_ 'Employee A must agree and accept to take Employer's ugly daughter/niece/cousin/second-cousin twice removed, to all Company balls, fundraisers, luncheons, shindigs, soirees or parties_. _Should Employee A refuse to adhere to said terms, Employee A's employment with Employer will be terminated forthwith.'_

Sneaky employment contract loopholes.

"And what's her name, this little beauty that's caught your eye so soon?"

"Uh, Isabella."

Richard smiled wistfully, adjusting his leg on the desk. His pants were straining against the bulge of his crotch, and I swear, I could see the outline of everything they contained. He was sitting right in front of me; his legs open right in front of my face. I had to turn my head to the side just to get away from the view.

"I dated an Isabella once. Pretty thing she was, and a tomcat in the sack…"

_And that's our meeting done right there._

Standing, I re-buttoned my jacket and straightened my tie. "If that's all for today, Richard, I'd best be getting back to work."

"Oh, right. Well, I'm excited to meet this lady of yours."

My left eye twitched as a particularly large, wet glob of saliva landed right on the outer corner of my bottom lip. I had to grip the inside of my pockets to stop from wiping it away.

"Thank you," I replied, trying not to move my mouth too much for fear of spreading it.

Like a cat with its ass on fire, I high-tailed it to the men's bathroom. After washing my face three times, and taking off at least two layers of skin with the paper towel, I made my way back to my desk. The first thing I did when I sat back down was to write a note on a Post-It to remind myself to ask Bella to the fundraiser.

Things between Bella and I were changing, that much I knew. But was she ready to attend a work function with me? As my date? And more importantly, was I ready for that? Until now I'd done a stand up job of keeping my work and private life separate. I was a staunch believer that what happened at home, stayed at home. Bringing Bella to a function like the fundraiser was a perfect way to blur the line between work and home life, and I wasn't sure if I was ready.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't want Bella to be the topic of conversation around the water cooler. Not that Kuntz Insurance had water coolers, we had filtered cold water taps in the kitchens. But still, the thought of people gossiping about her made me uneasy. I mean, it's not like our story was a conventional one, but it was ours nonetheless. Ever since the night I'd met her, the night that sealed my fate, the woman had turned my life upside down like a tornado. She'd turned every part of my life on its head – but I was starting to think it was for the better.

Groaning, my head fell against the back of my chair. Asking Bella to the fundraiser was just another nerve-wracking thing on an already scary looking 'To Do' list. On the very top of that list, above having my wisdom teeth removed, was meeting Bella's father. With him arriving the next day, my stomach had been a mess from the moment I woke up. Fridays were normally the day I liked the most, although Wednesdays, with the half price apple muffins at Starbucks, were a close second.

I tried to concentrate on the screen in front of me, but my mind kept drifting off.

_Would Bella want to come to the ball with me?_

_Did her father carry a gun?_

_Was I supposed to offer him some sort of gift as a token of my intentions with his daughter?_

_On second thought - I knocked her up, I think Charlie already knew what my intentions were._

_Hang on a minute – what did Richard mean about me "adjusting to normal life"?_

_Wait a minute._

And then it hit me – _James_. I'd asked him to put the kibosh on all the unwanted female attention I'd been subjected to. But, come to think of it, recently even the guys in the office were giving me strange looks.

"You've got James," he drawled when he picked up.

"What did you tell everyone?"

"I didn't tell anyone anything, I swear!"

"Then why is everyone avoiding me?"

"Wait, who is this?"

"Edward!"

James laughed nervously. "Oh, sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"Who?"

"Never mind, just…someone. What's got your panties in a bunch?"

"I need to know what you said to the women in the office about me."

"Does it matter?" he snorted. "It's working isn't it?"

"It's working - maybe a little too well. And Richard mentioned something about me adjusting to normal life again. What's going on?"

A deafening silence came from the other end of the phone line. "Well, yeah. I told everyone you just left a really strict cult."

I pressed my eyes closed, fighting a groan. "What kind of cult?"

"Just your regular, run of the mill, religious cult. Naked dancing, fire rituals; you know, polygamous marriage and all that stuff."

"So people think I'm a religious nut with five wives?"

James laughed, and I could just imagine him leaning back in his chair, his feet up on his desk.

"No, they think you _were_a religious nut with five wives."

"Right."

"Don't say I didn't help."

As it had of late, the rest of my day seemed to last for years rather than hours. What bothered me more than a long afternoon, was the fact that I was frustrated to begin with. I loved my job, and I loved that I loved my job. It took me years of hard work to get to where I was, but suddenly I'd rather be at home.

It was all Bella's fault.

That was what I was telling myself anyway.

I turned my keypad a fraction of an inch, setting it equidistant between my screen and the edge of the desk. Organization made me feel better. Which was why, when a rather large delivery box arrived from Amazon, I felt myself relax a little. Underneath layers of cardboard, and hundreds of those little foamy things that smelled like bread, were six books I'd ordered the week before. I'd spent a great deal of time scouring the pregnancy websites and their forums, looking for the best books to buy. 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' seemed to be a winner. Flipping the book open to a random page, I was horrified to see a full-page glossy picture of what looked like a baby tearing a poor innocent mother apart. I swallowed down a wave of nausea and closed the book.

The second book seemed to be more my taste, less scary pictures, and more lists. I did love a good list.

Pulling out a clean notepad, I began making a list of all the things I needed to know about the second trimester - since we were only one week away from it. Then, I started a second list for the things Bella and I would need to purchase for a newborn. My third list consisted of possible candidates for hospitals in which Bella could give birth. Using the internet, I ranked them according to birthing facilities, nurse to patient ratio, availability of private birthing suites, and distance from my house.

In the end, I even made a list of all my lists, so I didn't miss a list accidentally.

Being a parent didn't seem to be that hard so far.

* * *

><p>"Mommy sayed Bella is having a baby."<p>

I watched as Janetta scooped up a handful of bubbles and blew them about the bathtub.

"Said, the word is _said_, Netty. Yes, Bella and I are going to have a baby together."

Picking up a blue plastic cup, I scooped up some water and poured it through her dark hair, holding a hand over her forehead gently.

"Are you in love, Uncle Edward? Is that why you and Bella are having a baby?"

Trust my five year-old niece to put me on the spot. "Do you know what love is?"

She tilted her head backwards, scrunching her little eyes together as I rubbed her wet hair into a soft, lavender scented lather. "Uh-huh. Love is when you share your food, and your Crayons, and then you kiss lots."

Her response made me smile, and I was glad her eyes were still scrunched closed so that she couldn't see me grinning like a fool. "That's a very good answer."

Luckily Janetta didn't notice my deflection, and didn't ask the question again; I was cunning enough to distract her with a bubble beard and her very own shampoo mohawk. To be honest, I wasn't sure what I felt for Bella. Was it love? No. Neither of us were quite there...yet. But to say that my feelings had changed for her would be an understatement. Most of my life, I'd been under the impression that love was like a monumental explosion; that you would know the moment it happened. But with Bella, it was like I could feel it creeping up slowly, like I was sinking into quicksand, or tentacles were wrapping themselves around me, winding their way through my body. Okay, tentacles were a bad analogy, but it still fit. Whatever it was, this feeling was growing more and more every day.

Janetta was patting bubbles onto my cheeks for a second Santa-esque beard, when someone knocked on the door quietly. "Edward?"

The bathroom door creaked open and Bella peered in. She was all dressed up for dinner; her eyes shimmering with a hint of gold and her cheeks stained a pretty shade of pink. She laughed as I smiled up at her from the bathroom floor, bubbles sliding down my cheeks.

"That's a good look on you, Ed," she said as she stepped into the bathroom, a soft black dress swishing around her knees as she took a seat on the toilet lid, watching me rinse Janetta's hair.

"You look real pretty, Bella," said Janetta, shivering as she stood up out of the bath water, letting me wrap her in a towel.

Covering her eyes, Bella smiled. "Thanks, Netty."

I rubbed my niece dry, giving her a little tickle before sending her to put her pyjamas on.

"New dress?" I asked, touching the strap on Bella's shoulder.

She nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Rosalie took me shopping after work last week."

I was strangely happy to see Bella and Rose getting along. Her best friend, Riley, whom I had yet to meet formally, was constantly away with his work. So it was nice to have someone for her to talk to. I guess the fact that they were both pregnant gave them something in common. Who knows, women are strange, fickle creatures.

"Are you nervous about tonight?"

She took a deep breath, flattening her hands over the front of her dress. "You have no fucking idea. I've never really done the meeting the parent's thing."

"Me neither. But it'll be fine," I assured her, rubbing my hands up and down her bare arms. "My parents will love you."

She chuckled humorlessly, swallowing hard. "It's not me I'm worried about."

* * *

><p>I watched intently as Alice pulled the top off of a pot, pointing to its contents.<p>

"This is meat-free, dairy-free, low salt vegetable curry. And this one is the organic brown rice."

I nodded solemnly, giving one of the pots a bit of a stir. Alice had been cooking all day, making sure that nothing contained meat or meat products, preservatives, excess salt or other genetically modified ingredients. Apparently, Sue was a bit of a health freak. To be honest, it all sounded totally unappetizing to me.

Since she'd moved in, Bella had tried her hand at cooking us a meal once. When she almost burned the house down trying to cook dry pasta in the microwave - without any water - we figured it was best that she just watch Alice for a while before trying again.

"Don't let Mom near the curry; she'll just add salt to it like she does with every-damned-thing," said Alice, replacing the lid.

"Got it, no salt."

Turning on her heel, she put her hands on a fidgety Bella's shoulders and pushed her over to a seat.

"Girl, you just sit your ass down and chill. Edward," she snapped, pointing a finger at me. "Don't you let your fine ass baby momma be stressin'."

"No stressing, no salt. Done."

Almost pushing Bella off her chair, Alice threw her arms around her and squeezed her fiercely.

"Good luck. I'm gonna kick it with the kids upstairs, you give me a holla if you need me, 'aight?"

"'Aight," replied Bella.

Checking the food one last time, Alice went upstairs to put her kids to bed, leaving Bella and I alone to await our parents arrival.

"Man," Bella groaned, clutching a glass of water tightly. "I would really like a fucking drink right now. A big one. Bucket-sized."

I'd seen Bella nervous before, but this was a different kind. Wiping my sweaty hands on my pants, I put an arm around her shoulder, trying not to look down the front of her dress.

"We'll get through this together."

With an uneasy smile, Bella nodded. It hadn't escaped my notice that we had both become more comfortable touching each other of late. I wondered, as I looked down at her beautiful dark eyes and not her amazing boobs, if it would be too forward of me to kiss her.

"Helllooooo?" called a shrill voice, the sound of it echoing down the hallway.

I felt Bella go rigid under my arm, her shoulders tensing at the nearing sound of my mother's heels click-clacking on the tiles.

"Yoo-hoo," she called again as she rounded the corner into the kitchen.

If it was at all possible, my mother was an even brighter shade of orange than the last time I'd seen her. Combined with an actual tan, the layers of her fake tan made her look like an Oompa Loompa, her sun-bleached copper-coloured hair stark against her skin.

"Edward!" she cried, throwing her arms around my shoulders. She smelled like coconut tanning oil and Chanel No.5, and the clang of her numerous bracelets and bangles like a familiar tune.

Pushing me away after a second, she peered around my body at a waiting Bella. Smiling, she moved her huge sunglasses up onto her head. "And you must be Bella." Nodding, Bella held out a hand, only to be engulfed by my mother in a hug. "We don't shake hands around here, sweet girl."

"Hello, Edward," said my Dad quietly. We hugged briefly, never the kind of men to show too much emotion.

"My goodness, you are a looker!" trilled my Mom, turning Bella around like a doll. "And look at those perky little boobs! I bet they're getting bigger already, aren't they?"

"Boundaries, Mom!" I interrupted, pulling a shocked Bella out of my mother's clutches. "You've had a little too much sun I think."

"Oh, pish posh," replied my mom, tapping my arm lightly.

"Bella, this is my father, Carlisle."

My dad actually blushed as Bella shook his hand. I don't know if it was all the talk about her boobs, or the fact that she was just a pretty girl. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Bella."

"Something smells delicious," cooed my mom, lifting the lid off a pot. "Is that curry? Oh, Edward, there's an amazing Thai restaurant on the boardwalk near the condo – amazing curry. Seriously, it's to die for. Is this vase new? I've never seen it before. What is it? China? Oh, no it's porcelain..."

It was obvious that Bella had never met anyone that talked the way my mother did; constantly, and without a breath. It wasn't until her father and his partner Sue arrived, that I realized why it was all so foreign to Bella.

Charlie Swan was the strong, silent type. He was the kind of guy who, without saying a word, could scare the shit out of you. It wasn't that he was physically scary, Bella obviously got her slight build from him. He just seemed to be able to command a room with his presence, like a big, hairy, plaid-dressed elephant. As well as his stature, Bella also has Charlie's eyes; dark, shiny and expressive. But where hers seem to be able to make me feel warm and fuzzy, Charlie's made me want to cry and run away. Sue, on the other hand, was sweet. While Charlie just shook my hand with a grunt, sizing me up like he was trying to decide what length casket I'd fit into, Sue brushed him off and greeted me warmly. Although, she did ask me strange questions about my chakra, and told me that I had a very clear aura.

Luckily for me, Bella kept Charlie occupied, making sure his hands and mouth were full with beer or organic, salt-free peanuts for the best part of the night. But even though he was occupied, I could still feel his eyes on me all night, boring into my head like laser beams.

Bella helped me serve dinner, and I couldn't help but notice that Charlie's left eye twitched every time I brushed past her. It was strange to say the least.

Before we sat down to eat, Sue asked to say a prayer. She smiled at me sweetly from her seat beside me, wrapping her fingers around my hand. I watched across the table as my mom took a firm grip of Bella's hand when Sue began her chanting. Having no idea what she was saying, I opened one eye, taking a look around the table. Mom and Dad seemed to be passively enjoying the moment, and Bella, probably having been through it a hundred times seemed to be just waiting for it to be over. Charlie…_holy shit!_

Charlie had both eyes wide open and was looking directly at me. His moustache twitched as I opened my other eye, looking back at him. Lifting two fingers to his eyes, he slowly pointed them at himself, and then at me.

After that I kept my eyes on my food and off of Charlie's daughter. I guess dinner was going well; no one choked on any food, Charlie didn't stab me with his butter knife, and there were no awkward silences. Although I think a lot of that had to do with that fact that my mom would simply _not_stop talking. I think even if he'd wanted to, Charlie wouldn't have been able to get a word in.

We almost made it through dinner, too.

"Well, both Carlisle and I are so excited to have another baby in the family. Aren't we, dear?" said mom, broaching the baby subject for the first time.

Dad nodded and I noticed Charlie's expression tighten a little.

"These two are going to make lovely parents, aren't they?"

Dad nodded again, and I saw Sue reach a hand across, placing it on top of Charlie's. Obviously he was still having a hard time coming to terms with the pregnancy.

"We're just so surprised and so happy."

"It certainly was a surprise," offered Sue, patting Charlie's hand.

"Oh, I know," gushed my Mom. "Carlisle and I never thought we'd see the day Edward settled down. But, here we are."

I think a vein actually started throbbing at the side of Charlie's head. It was obvious that he wanted to say something, but was holding back.

"Yes," continued Mom, oblivious to the tension practically rolling off Bella's dad. "Edward was always a late bloomer. I mean, I don't think he had his first kiss until he was sixteen."

"Mom," I chastised quietly, hoping she would get the hint and shut up.

No such luck.

"Oh, Edward," he replied, waving a hand at me. "You're so uptight! You know, he didn't lose his virginity until he was twenty-two. For a moment there, Carlisle and I thought he might be gay."

"MOM!"

Bella covered her laugh by coughing into a napkin as a blush exploded on my cheeks. My dad even hid a laugh as my mom just stared at me, confused as to why I might not like her discussing my sex life, or lack thereof, at the dinner table.

"Have you two thought about names yet?" my mom asked, changing the subject as she poured a fistful of salt onto her dinner.

Exchanging looks with Bella, we both shook our heads. We had just moved past the fact that there was actually going to _be_ a baby. Names were a whole new list to write. _Lists_, in fact. Boys names, girls names, old fashioned, new age, do we hyphenate the last name? It boggled the mind.

"Well," continued mom, as though Charlie didn't already look like he was about to have a coronary. "Maybe you should consider family names?"

Chewing thoughtfully, Bella nodded. I could see she wasn't quite ready to discuss names, but nevertheless, was humoring my mother. The thought made me indescribably happy for some reason.

Still, I could see mom was getting a little over excited. Next thing she'd ask Bella if she could be her birthing partner.

Birthing partner – yep, I was reading the books.

"Have you thought about a water birth, Bella? What about a home birth? I hear the hypno-birthing is all the rage at the moment."

It was at the moment - with all the talk of birthing - that Charlie snapped.

"Am I the only one who thinks this is insane?" he burst out, ignoring Sue as she tried to calm him down.

"Dad!" scolded Bella.

"No! I'm sorry, Bella. You and Edward barely know each other and you're having a baby!"

Bella's face was flushed red with anger as she grasped her fork tightly, looking as though she was about to drive it right into Charlie's jugular.

"Charlie," I said calmly. "Bella and I have thought long and hard…" I stopped as my mom giggled at my choice of words, sending her a stink-eye of my own. "We've thought a lot about what having a baby means, and we've both decided that this is what we want to do."

Standing, Charlie threw his napkin on the table. "Oh, really? Did you know that Bella had two thumbs on her right hand when she was born?"

"Dad!" hissed Bella, her knuckles white from the strain she was putting on the utensil in her hand.

"And did you know that until she was twelve she had an imaginary friend named Amelia?"

Standing up, Bella threw her fork down. "Charlie! A word, please?" And with that, she stormed out of the room followed by a grouchy Charlie.

I didn't know whether to follow her or not, but figured it best to leave her to deal with him. As protective as he was, it was pretty clear that she had him wrapped around her little finger, or second thumb as it were. I wondered if that would be the case if I had a little girl. Hopefully I could be an even-handed and level-headed father, but only time would tell.

Bella and Charlie returned moments later, and I'm not sure what she said to him, but Charlie seemed to settle in a little better; his eyes didn't look quite so murderous.

After some coffee and dessert, Charlie and Sue decided to hit the road. But not before my mom promised to visit Sue at her organic store for a free naturopathy consultation and an aromatherapy massage for my dad.

Bella had been surprisingly quiet the entire night, which was not like her at all. But as we walked our parents out, I could already see her relaxing. Finding a small amount of courage, I slipped my hand into hers, giving it a little squeeze. I'm not sure why I did it – it just felt like the thing to do. Of course, the moment Charlie noticed, he was having none of it. With his hands in his pockets, he gestured for me to walk to the car with him.

"A moment please, Edward?"

_Oh crap!_

Releasing Bella's hand, I swallowed my fear and followed Charlie down the drive to where his truck sat.

"Listen to me, Edward," he said gruffly. "You don't like me, and I don't like you."

"I like you."

Ignoring me, he continued. "I want what's best for my daughter. And right now what's best for her is to be close to the father of her unborn baby."

"I'm glad you think so, Charlie."

"That's Sir to you, son. Or Mr. Swan."

"Sorry, Sir Swan, I mean, Mr. Swan."

He eyeballed me and I shrunk back a little.

"Bella is old enough to look after herself. And as much as it pains me, I need to let her make her own decisions."

"That's very wise, Charlie, Sir. I mean, Sir."

Taking a deep breath, Charlie turned and took a step forward, his chest almost flush with mine.

"You know how to use a gun, son?"

I gulped. "No, Sir."

"Well I do. And let me tell you this. If you so much as fart in the wrong tune around my daughter; I'll be locked, loaded, and on your doorstep. Understand me?"

"Yes, Swan, I mean, yes, Sir," I replied with a vigorous nod.

Stepping back, Charlie brushed his moustache with his thumb and pointer. "Good."

Hand in hand with Sue and my mom, Bella strolled up behind us, looking warily at her dad.

After my balls untucked themselves from inside me, we waved goodbye to our parents and went back inside.

"What did my dad say to you?" asked Bella as we ate some leftover ice cream.

I debated telling her the truth, but knew it would only serve to make things more tense between her and her father, and therefore even more awkward and scary between him and I.

"Not much. Just told me to look after you."

The spoon hanging out of her mouth, Bella eyed me. _Crap_, she looked just like her dad when she did that.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded, spooning another helping of ice cream into her bowl.

After dessert, Bella helped me clean up the kitchen; me; stacking the dishwasher and Bella wiping the benches. It was all very domestic, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of what life with Bella could be like. Maybe we _could _do the whole domestic bliss caper. Me at work, nine to five, Monday to Friday, while she stayed home with our children, washing, cleaning and microwaving pre-cooked meals.

"Are you staring at my tits?"

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I realized that whilst I'd been daydreaming, my eyes had lingered on Bella's chest.

"I didn't mean to look. I mean, I wasn't looking at them."

Bella cocked an eyebrow, putting one hand on her hip, a stance that she'd picked up from being around Alice too long. "Sure."

As had become habit, I walked her out to the pool room to say goodnight.

"Oh," I said, slapping my palm against my forehead. "I almost forgot. There's a ball, well, a fundraiser, coming up. It's an annual thing, kind of boring actually, lots of clients and big company sponsors. It's really just an excuse for the CEO's to schmooze with prospective customers, and to make sure all the old ones continue to spend exorbitant amounts of money with us…"

"Is there a point to this, Edward?"

Looking up, Bella was smiling at me, waiting for me to get my act together.

"Right, the point. The point is…uh, well, it's the kind of thing you usually take a partner to, like a date sort of thing."

She arched an eyebrow, leaning against her opened door. "Are you asking me on a date sort of thing?"

Taking a deep breath, I nodded.

"Sure," she said with a shrug.

"You will?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

Bella laughed. "Did I stutter? I said yes, Edward."

The stress of the night floated away on the breeze as she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. "Night, Edward."

"Night, Bella."

I watched as she shut the door, listening for a moment as she pottered around inside. Was she getting into bed? What did she wear to bed? Maybe she was showering. _Oh, Christ. _The thought of her just on the other side of the glass door, undressed, her skin pink and rosy from the hot water, made my heart race.

"Edward?"

Startled, I jumped away from the door, almost landing on my ass.

"Y-Yes?"

"You know I can see you lurking outside my door, right?"

"Uh," I stuttered, "I was just checking the locks. You know, making sure you're safe and all." I rattled the door a little, tapping my finger on the locking mechanism. "Yep, seems safe."

"Uh-huh," replied Bella, sounding unconvinced.

"N-night, Bella."

I could hear the smile in Bella's voice before she flipped off the lights in the pool house.

"Goodnight, Edward."

* * *

><p><em>I am epic fail for update, I know. But I'm getting back into the swing of things. <em>

_Leave me a little review if you like. You know, if you're still around. _

_xx Wink_


	11. Horny, with a chance of smell aversion

**Thanks to Krystal and Albymangroves for being a wonderful beta team. **

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, just this story. <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>August<strong>

_"You're doing so well, Bumblebee. Keep going," urged Riley, pushing my sweaty hair back from my forehead._

_"Where's Edward? Why isn't Edward here?"_

_From between my legs, a mop of bronze hair appeared, his face covered in a blue surgical mask. "I'm here. Keep pushing, I can see the head!"_

_"What? No!" I screamed. "You can't deliver the baby. Where's the doctor?"_

_"Here." Sitting just inside the door was my doctor, a cigar and whiskey in hand. "You're doing fine," he said, waving a hand at me, all nonchalant._

_"Keep pushing!"_

_Looking up, I suddenly saw Jasper, video camera in hand, right down at the action end._

_"No, Jasper..."_

_With a thud, the doors swung open and Rosalie, Alice, Charlie, Sue, and even my boss, Mr. Gertram, came running in, all armed with video cameras._

_"A little to the left!"_

_"Smile! No, not with those lips."_

_"Can you put it back in so we can see it come out again?"_

_"Push, Bella."_

_Push!...Push!...Push_!...Beep!...Beep!...Beep!

I sat up; my head spinning a little. "Holy fuck!" I hissed, clutching at my chest as my heart hammered against my hand.

Rolling to my side, I slammed my hand down onto the alarm, angry at myself for forgetting to turn it off on a Saturday. Flopping back onto the bed, I let out a long, shaky breath. This pregnancy thing had my brain doing all sorts of strange things. If I wasn't having dreams about an entire room of people staring at my hoo-ha, I was having high definition, surround-sound, so-real-you-can-taste-it, sexually explicit dreams about Edward.

I'm not sure which was worse.

The crazy dreams had me waking in a cold sweat, my heart thundering, my mouth dry. And my sex-filled dreams had me so fucking worked up I could barely see straight.

Something had to be done!

Well actually, nothing would be done until I'd had some breakfast. After weeks of nausea, my hunger had returned with a vengeance, and I was constantly stuffing my face, trying to cure my appetite.

At almost thirteen weeks, I was finally beginning to not feel like shit all the damn time. I wasn't as tired during the day, which meant I didn't need to sneak off at work for a power nap. Most importantly, the sickness had all but disappeared; only to rear its ugly head at the smell of cooking meat and strangely enough, milk. I just hoped the milk aversion would clear before the stuff started squirting out of my nipples.

Brushing my teeth, I lifted one side of my sleep shirt up, looking at my belly. Well, it wasn't a bump, but there was most definitely something going on down there. My normal boy-flat hips had started to form a little shape. Not much mind you, I still had the lower half of a sixteen year-old boy, but enough that it bulged over the top of my underwear a little. Paired with boobs that were beginning to spill out the top of my bra, I was finally beginning to look like a woman.

It kind of liked it. It was soft and feminine.

After donning something more kitchen-appropriate, I stumbled outside and into the house to find something for breakfast. Surprisingly, for a Saturday morning, the house was quiet. Alice had obviously taken the kids out early, so it was just Edward and I.

"Morning," he said, intently focused on the skillet in front of him.

"Are you cooking breakfast?" I asked, peering around him, trying to get a look at what was frying.

Edward nodded, a smile dancing on his lips as I groaned at the smell of eggs and bacon.

Drinking my morning decaf, I watched Edward move back and forth between the cupboards and the stovetop; flipping, frying, toasting, serving. It was cute; watching him being all domestic. The way his brows pulled together as he watched the eggs cooking, and the flex of his forearm as he lifted the frying pan off the hob. The way his muscles moved under his thin grey t-shirt, his broad shoulders pulling the material tight across his broad chest.

"You okay?"

"Huh? What?"

Looking down, I realised Edward had put my breakfast down in front of me. I'd been too busy having lusty thoughts about him that I hadn't noticed.

"You look a little spaced out," said Edward, looking concerned. "You feeling okay?"

"Oh, sorry, I'm fine," I lied, watching him wrap his lips around his fork. When did eating breakfast become such a fucking turn on?

As we ate, I could see Edward looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Every now and then, when I'd catch him, his gaze would dart back to the plate in front of him. Finally, after the third time, I was too distracted by it to eat breakfast.

"What is it, Edward?"

"Are you showing? I mean, the books say that at fourteen weeks you might have small amount of protrusion. It wouldn't be anything obvious; it would be small. Or there might be nothing at all. A lot of women don't show at all until..."

"Edward!" Holding my shirt flat against my stomach, I shook my head. "I'm not sure if I'm just getting fat from all the food I'm eating, or if it's _protrusion_," I replied, using his big special word for "sticking out".

Edward's eyes held fast to the material over my belly. "Can I...I mean, would it be okay if I touched it?"

Would it be okay if he touched it? God, how I wished he wasn't talking about my stomach.

"Sure," I replied, a little breathier than I'd liked.

Slowly, he extended his arm, his long fingers reaching for my lower abdomen. My insides clenched tightly as his warm hand slipped smoothly over the material of my shirt, the heat of his hand radiating right through to my skin.

Smiling, Edward pulled his hand away. "It's strange to think it's really in there - growing."

Touching the place his hand had just been, I nodded.

"The books say it's as big as a lemon."

"You're reading books?"

Edward nodded, looking a little shy. "Yeah."

"Should I be reading books? I should be reading books, right?"

"Well, I think I'm reading enough for the both of us."

"Maybe you could just write me a list? Like an abridged version of what to expect."

Edward's face lit up. "I love lists."

"Uh - okay. Cool."

Who loves lists? Oh, right, the same guy that enjoys filling out forms and has all of his DVD's arranged by genre, year of release, as well as alphabetically.

"So, I thought maybe we could take a trip downtown and pick some things up for, you know," his finger pointed to my stomach, "the baby."

I don't know why it still made my stomach flip when Edward referred to the baby. Even if he was still having trouble actually getting the words out. Even after we'd spent hours poring over the pictures from the first scan trying to discern head from feet, it was hard to believe there was actually a tiny human beginning its life inside of me. Hair, skin, teeth, ten fingers and ten toes – it was all forming inside of me. It was hard to believe, and also a little creepy.

"What kind of things?"

Edward pulled a piece of paper from his back pocket, revealing a large list. "Crib and crib mattress, bassinet or cradle, changing table with waterproof and stainproof mattress..."

"Okay," I said, holding up a hand. "I get it."

So, with Edward's extremely detailed list, we found ourselves strolling downtown on a sunny Saturday morning.

For some reason, as we moved from store to store, I felt the urge to hold Edward's hand. I didn't of course; I put it down to hormone fluctuations and that extra sugar I put in my decaf. Lately, things between us were...different. At first I thought I was imagining it; the gentle look he got in his eyes whenever we spoke about the baby. The measured, but sweet little touches; my lower back here, my elbow there, each time sending an explosion of sparks dancing across my skin. But as time progressed, I realized that this was Edward becoming more and more comfortable with me. That the asshole I met in the cafe felt like a completely different person, from different life even.

More than once I'd wondered how far our relationship would go. Would it be forward and completely inappropriate for me to jump him? Probably. But what about a kiss? Kisses were PG-rated, as long as I kept my hands to myself of course. Thinking about it all just confused me, so I decided not to think about it at all, and just go with the flow instead.

"You know, you could just guesstimate, Edward," I said, starting to get tired of watching him measure the exact space between each crib's slats.

"The Consumer Product Safety Commission says that each slat should be no more than two and three-eighth inches apart to stop the baby from getting its head caught."

"Well - that's what Vaseline is for. Or butter."

Edward frowned, looking up at me from the floor of the baby store. "What?"

"If they get stuck, you just grease em' up real good and their heads just pop out."

Smiling, Edward turned back to the crib. "As safe as that sounds, maybe I'll just measure to be on the safe side."

Shrugging, I picked up a tiny pair of Nike trainers. "Why do they make these? It's not like the baby's going to run anywhere."

"I think it's supposed to be cute or something."

Turning the shoes over, my eyes widened at the price tag. "At sixty bucks a pop, the baby can wear my second-hand trainers. Christ."

Standing up and brushing himself off, Edward tapped a hand on the side of the crib. "This one looks like the one."

"Okay then." I picked up the price tag and turned it over. "What the fuck? Is it made of gold?"

Looking confused, Edward shook his head. "No, I don't think so."

"It's twelve-hundred dollars, Edward," I hissed. "I don't think I can pay for half of it."

"You don't..."

"You know what? I'm sure I saw one out the back of my work. Give it a new paint job and it's brand new. And free!"

Putting both hands on my shoulders, Edward looked at me sternly. "Bella. You can't put our baby in a crib you found in the alley behind your work. This one is safe, it's approved by the JPMA, and you don't need to pay for half, because I'm buying it."

"You can't buy it," I said with a scowl. "It's too expensive."

Frustrated, Edward rolled his eyes. "Bella, I earn enough money to take care of you and six babies. Let me buy the flipping crib!"

"You want six babies?"

"I didn't say that. Just let me buy the crib."

Pouting a little, I crossed my arms over my chest. "Fine. But I'm buying the sheets."

Edward smiled triumphantly as he called the saleswoman over.

You would think working in a store that sells crap for babies would make pretty much all of your male customers automatically exempt from being ogled. Apparently not. I had to clear my throat and give the sales bitch a little Alice Cullen _"oh-no-you-di'n't" _face to get her to back off. Of course, Edward didn't notice, he was too busy testing the tensile strength of crib sheets.

Yeah, bitch. That freak is my man.

After paying and organizing for delivery, we started for home.

"Do you have the car keys?"

Nodding, I opened my bag and rummaged through, trying to find the keys among the piles of receipts and chewing gum wrappers. "They're here somewhere, amongst all this shit..."

"Whoa, watch it."

Putting his arm out in front of me, Edward stopped me from stepping into the street just as a fire engine, lights flashing and horn blaring, raced past. Thanking him, we continued on, crossing the street. But as we made our way to the car, I couldn't help but think about the fire truck.

"Do you ever wonder where the fire trucks are going?"

"To a fire, I guess," replied Edward with a shrug.

A sudden swell of emotion bubbled up inside me. "It must be so dangerous, going into burning buildings all the time. What if they don't make it out?"

"Well," said Edward, "it's their job. But, yeah, I guess it is scary."

Right then and there, on a busy street, on a bright, sunny, Saturday morning - I burst into tears.

Fidgeting nervously, Edward stood beside me. "Are you crying? Why are you crying? Did I do something?"

Shaking my head, I hiccuped as another sob burst out of my chest. "No. I...It's just so brave."

Edward looked thoroughly perplexed as I stood in the middle of the sidewalk sobbing uncontrollably.

Handing me a handkerchief from his back pocket, Edward stepped closer, moving me into a shop doorway and away from the eyes of worried shoppers.

"I'm sure it was just going to save a cat from a tree. No fires, I promise."

"Promise?" I ask, sniffing.

"Um, sure."

Still sniffling a little, I held the handkerchief out for Edward to tuck back into his pocket.

Frowning at it, he shook his head. "No, it's fine. You keep it."

It turns out that my little crying episode on Fifth Street wouldn't be the last. A week after the fire truck incident, Edward and I watched _Dumbo _with Janetta and Alice. Before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably. And not quiet little sniffles; full-blown, chest heaving, lip-wobbling crying. You would have thought I knew Dumbo personally the way I was acting.

When Janetta crawled up onto my lap and hugged me, her chubby little hands sticky with God knows what wrapped around my neck; it just got worse.

Edward learned to deal with my crazy mood swings pretty quickly. He rubbed my back at the appropriate times, calmed me with sweet words and passed me tissues. He even laughed with me afterwards.

* * *

><p>Thank God Rosalie was kind enough to take me shopping when I told her about this fundraiser thing Edward had invited me to. Alice had offered me the choice of her dresses, but I wasn't even game enough to look in her closet. At the time she asked, she was wearing a teeny-tiny, tight as fuck dress covered with some hideous colored design; the words <em>Ed Hardy <em>emblazoned across her chest. If this Ed Hardy guy was the designer, he needed a lesson or two in subtlety.

It turned out Rose was a great shopper. She stayed away from designer stores, didn't push me to try things on, and kept a friendly, but appropriate distance when I was changing.

Buried between layers of taffeta and silk, with my arms poking out the top of the sixty millionth dress I'd tried on, I heard my phone ring.

"Hello?" I asked, my voice muffled by pale blue material.

"Hey, Bumblebee!"

"Riley!" I almost squealed, my arms flailing about, trying to wriggle myself free of the dress.

"How's my baby mamma? How's the little bun doing? Baking nicely?"

"I'm fine..._we're _fine."

Riley's voice sounded distant, his voice taking a moment to make it back to me.

"I'm in Dubai, but I'll be back next week and I need to see you, Bee!"

Excited, I jumped up and down, layers of tulle flapping about around me. "Yes! We can have dinner and you can meet Sparkles."

"Hooray!" cheered Riley. "Oh my goodness, I've got so much to tell you!"

Ripping the dress from my head, I flopped down into the tiny stool in the corner of the dressing room. "Uh, yeah you do! Was that you I saw in _OK Magazine_ with Embry Call?"

Riley giggled. "May-be."

"Bella?" Rose knocked on the dressing room door, popping her head in a second later. "Oh, sorry."

I waved a hand at her, gesturing for her to come in. "Didn't like the taffeta?" she whispered, pointing to the pile of discarded dress on the floor.

"It wouldn't fit over my boobs."

"Oh, Bumblebee, I gotta go, okay? I'll talk to you the minute I land."

"Okay. Be safe, love you."

"Love you too, mamma!"

Putting my phone back in my bag, I turned to find Rose staring at me, a little smile on her face.

"Look at you," she whispered, putting a gentle hand to my little bump.

"It just kind of appeared overnight," I said, looking at my reflection in the full length mirror. It was so tiny it could pass for bloating, but we knew better.

Pouting, Rose lifted her shirt. "I got nothing," she complained, touching her washboard flat stomach. "Not so much as a blip. Just sore tits and a fucking backache."

"At least you're going to look good. At this rate I'll be a blimp in a month. Edward's going to have to roll me out of my bed in the mornings.

"Whatever, girl. You're a hottie. And this," she produced a dark yellow silk dress with a flourish, "Is going to show everyone how beautiful you are."

"It's yellow," I said, tucking my hands under my arms, looking at the garment speculatively.

"It is. And it's silk, which will show off your gorgeous figure. Put it on."

I made a face, fingering the smooth, cool material.

"Have I failed you yet?" asked Rose.

Sighing, I slipped the dress over my head and held it while she tied it up, winding the back into an intricate knot.

Well, spank my ass and call me Shirley. Rose was right. I looked hot as fuck. The silk draped delicately from my hips, and was just low enough to give a nice eyeful of my newly improved rack without being obscene. One Lil Kim in the house was enough, no one wanted to see me parading around with my tits out.

"Right?" Rose beamed beside me, her hands on her hips and she looked me over proudly.

Right.

* * *

><p>"Look at her," said Rose, gesturing to Janetta, who was hanging upside down by her knees on the monkey bars. "She's so flipping happy. I wish something as simple as a set of monkey bars made me that happy."<p>

We watched as Netty unsuccessfully tried to hold her dress down, or up, as it swung around her ears, her pink underwear showing for all the world to see.

I shrugged. "I like monkey bars, I guess. I mean, I'm not going to scream about them. But I get the draw, you know? They're high up, and you can swing from them; there's fun to be had. I get it."

After a morning of shopping, Rose suggested a trip to the park with the kids. Alice, who had a Zumba class and a brazilian wax, was all too happy to hand them over.

"Man, Edward's going to lose his shit when he sees you in that dress."

I shifted uncomfortably on the bench. "I don't know."

"Oh, come on. The sexual tension between you two is palpable. You can't tell me you don't feel it? Dear God, it's like this whole other person in the room. Bella, Edward and the huge pink unresolved sexual tension elephant."

"Please don't talk about sexual tension. I'm so horny I can't think straight," I groan.

Rose laughed. "Oh, side effect?" I nodded. "Sounds just awful."

"It's not even funny, Rose. I got turned on watching Edward mow the lawn yesterday."

My whole downstairs area started to warm as the memory of a sweaty, dirty, bare-kneed Edward assaulted me. I never thought a guy's knees could be so hot, but man, was I wrong. Maybe it was because he kept them wrapped in pants most of the time, but something about seeing those knobbly fuckers peeking out the bottom of his shorts, had me weak at the...well...the knees.

"Ugh," spat Rose, rocking Lashawn in his stroller. "I couldn't be any more disinterested in sex right now if I tried."

"What?"

She nodded. "Em's pretty good about it. Although, he took me out for dinner the other week, you know, to butter me up? I fell asleep on the car ride home."

Rose smiled wryly as I laughed. It was nice to know someone else was getting the rough end of the stick as far as pregnancy went. Actually, it was really nice to have someone to just understand exactly what I was going through.

Edward was great, but sometimes I just couldn't explain why the toilet paper ad made me cry, it just did. Or why the smell of meat made me want to retch. Or why all of a sudden I wanted to jump anything with a dick and a pulse. Most especially the guy who kept rubbing my feet and throwing out my snotty tissues.

* * *

><p>"What about a nice braid? Oh, snap! I got some blonde extensions you could borrow, they'd look so hot, girl."<p>

I pulled my hair from her fingers gently, a little worried. "Maybe just some curls?"

Tugging my hair back behind me, Alice pouted, running her fingers through the ends. "Glitter spray?"

"No. Just curls."

Sighing deeply, Alice got to work, winding my hair around the curler. As crazy as she was, I was glad it was her wielding the red hot curling iron, not me.

Makeup, on the other hand, was another matter. There was not a chance in hell I was letting that woman near me with a makeup brush. Ghetto hooker was just not my style. Instead, Rose had given me strict instructions for application, along with very specific makeup colors. After that, it was just paint by numbers.

Pink number one to cheekbone A.

I think I did a pretty good job, too. I didn't look like an 80's clown or a cheap stripper, so that was a plus.

I'd just slipped on my dress, and was trying - unsuccessfully - to tie the back, when there was a knock on the door.

"Thank fuck! Alice, I need..."

My words evaporated into thin air as I took in the sight before me. If I'd thought Edward in a pair of shorts was hot, Edward in a dinner suit was deadly. It's like his body was made for it, the way the jacket hung from his broad shoulders perfectly, his crisp white shirt tucked into the narrow waistband of his black slacks.

"Wow."

"What?"

Stepping inside, Edward looked down at me in awe, making my knees knock together and my mouth go dry.

"I said wow," he repeated. "You look amazing."

Laughing so hard I snorted, I smiled nervously. "I could say the same thing about you."

"You could?" he asked, smiling as he straightened the lapels of his jacket.

"Very much so."

Pointing to my dress, he tried to hide his bashful smile. "Do you need help with your thingies?"

"Yes, please."

Brushing my hair to the side, I turned around and talked Edward through the complicated twisting and knotting in the back. Every time his fingers brushed the bare skin of my back, my heart palpitated in my chest. I was sure the bottom of my dress was quivering as my knees shook.

"Done."

"Thanks - uh - I'll just get my purse."

Ducking into the bathroom, I pressed myself against the wall, taking a deep breath as I clasped my hands together in front of me.

"Dear whoever it is up there," I whispered, scrunching my eyes closed. "Please, for the love of peanut butter, do not let me make a fool of myself tonight. This includes tripping, talking with food in my teeth, laughing at inappropriate times and passing wind. And please don't let me spill anything on this dress, I actually really like it."

Foregoing the amen, I picked my clutch up off the bathroom counter, and took one last look at myself in the mirror. I could see Edward in its reflection, pacing in front of the door, fiddling with his bow tie.

"Oh," I gasped quietly. "And if you could see fit to get me laid, that would rock."

Giving myself a thumbs-up in the mirror, I decided it was now or never.

Turning from the front door, Edward extended his arm like a freakin gentleman, practically beaming as I slipped my hand over his forearm, tucking my arm under his.

"Shall we?" he asked in a ridiculously posh accent, giving his eyebrows a little wiggle for emphasis.

Holding my head high, I nodded. "We shall."

* * *

><p><strong>Hey again!<strong>

**Nothing exciting to report. That or I've forgotten something. Most likely the latter. **

**Anyway, thanks for sticking with me. **


	12. Bedazzled

**Well, well. Long time no see. Yes, I know. If you're still around - this chapter is for you.  
><strong>

**Thank you to Krystle my morning DM lover and all around awesome. And Alby, my gai boi loving, dance floor burning gal pal.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>August – 16 Weeks<strong>

Sitting in the back of the cab as we made our way to the fundraiser, I found I was having a hard time keeping my hands to myself. In fact, they were clasped together so tightly that by the time we got there, my fingers had completely fallen asleep.

I'm not particularly aware of women's fashion. I don't know the difference between slim fit and boot cut jeans. I don't know what a peplum is, and I think boat shoes look stupid on everyone. The only thing I _do_ know is what looks ridiculous (see: Alice Whitlock-Cullen), and what looks good. The woman standing beside the cab, in a dress that could only be described as '_gulp'_, looked good. Actually, good was an understatement. If I were a cartoon, the word _AWOOOOGA_ would have been used, and my eyes would have been popping out of their sockets, my tongue lolling out of my mouth. Having her on my arm made me feel good, like I could take on the entire fundraiser single handed – creepy, sex-deprived, sweaty-arm pitted, spit slinging co-workers be damned!

I made sure to send Rosalie a quick message thanking her for her help. I won't repeat what she wrote back – it would be inappropriate and ungentlemanly to do so.

Bella laughed quietly beside me as we approached the front of the ballroom.

"I forgot you work for Kuntz Insurance."

If it was at all possible, her smile seemed like the perfect accessory to her outfit, and the sight of it made me smile in return. Taking her hand gently, I tucked it under my elbow, her slim fingers resting on my forearm. "It's pronounced _coontz_."

Looking down at her hand on my arm, she smiled. "I know. Just don't think I'll ever get used to it."

"Wait until you meet my boss Richard."

Under a frame of dark, smoky lashes, Bella lifted her brown eyes to mine, her body edging slightly closer, her side almost flush against my arm.

"Wait a minute," she said, her mouth forming a perfect, red-tinted O. "His name is Richard?"

I nodded, watching her press her lips together as she tried not to laugh. "As in – Dick? Dick Kuntz? You work for a guy whose name is Dick fucking Kuntz? Are you serious?"

"And his daughter's name is Misty," I said quietly, my lips close to her ear.

Bella laughed so hard she snorted, her face turning a pretty shade of pink as she held a hand over her stomach. Wiping at the corners of her eyes, she blinked a few times and looked up at me. "Did I smudge my makeup?"

Wiping a thumb under her eye softly, I removed a faint dark smudge. "Looks good."

It was in that moment, under the twinkle lights of the ballroom that I felt something click. I was falling for her.

Holding an arm out again, I slipped my hand over hers as I led her to the lavishly decorated hotel ballroom, into the crowds of KID staff.

"This is like something from Cinderella or some shit."

Funnily enough, her language, something that had at first made me cringe, seemed to have the opposite effect on me. I don't know if I was learning to loosen up a little, but this beautiful woman with the dirty mouth seemed to appeal to me more and more each day.

"So, I'm going to have to introduce you to people," I said, gesturing around the room at my co-workers, some of whom were looking our way.

"I guess so," she replied with a shrug.

"Well...what do I introduce you as?"

Her nose crinkled as she looked up at me. "You could always try Bella, or Isabella if you prefer."

Grinning, I shook my head. "No. I mean – are you my partner? Or...I don't know...my girlfriend?"

"Oh." Her cheeks flushed slightly as she got the picture. "I guess 'Baby Mamma' won't really fly around here, huh?"

"I don't think so."

Touching her collarbone nervously, Bella shrugged a little. "Why don't you just call me Bella? People can just think what they like."

Pulling her hand into mine, I gave it a gentle squeeze. "Okay."

I heard Richard before I saw him; his booming voice seemed to echo throughout the entire room. As we neared, I noticed a group of people around him, all standing at least five feet from him – the minimum safe distance for spit projectiles. At six-foot, his wife was unmissable beside him in a floor length dress covered in pink sparkles.

"Oh my, God. Someone went to town with the Bedazzler."

I swapped my empty champagne glass for a scotch. "A what? I think that's Richard's wife."

Bella's eyebrows shot up. "Wowzers."

Taking a deep breath, I placed a hand on her lower back and guided Bella over with me. "Let's get it out of the way quick."

"Edward!"

It felt like my name echoed around the room, bouncing off the windows and rattling the chandelier.

"Evening, Richard," I replied, a little more quietly. "Richard, this is Bella. Bella, this is my boss Richard."

Richard wiggled his bushy gray eyebrows as he bent over to kiss the back of Bella's hand. "Ah, the lovely Bella I've heard so much about."

Bella smiled, raising her eyebrows at me as if to say 'really?' I just looked away, embarrassed.

"Bella, Edward, this is my wife Ophelia."

"The pleasure is mine, I'm sure," drawled Ophelia with a thick, southern accent, reaching her hand for mine. She cut an imposing figure at over six foot in her heels, all puffed up lips and eye-watering perfume, and with the handshake of an arm-wrestler.

"Well, my, my," she continued, holding onto my hand and pulling me closer. "You've got quite a grip there, young man."

I tried not to cringe as her taloned fingers wrapped tightly around mine. I could feel the ends of my fingers beginning to tingle as they lost feeling.

"I could say the same for you."

"Yes, I've heard all about you," she crooned quietly, winking at me, her huge false lashes wooshing through the air. With a smirk and a step back, she released my hand, and I sighed, shaking it a little to get the blood back into my fingers.

"And you," she continued, stepping closer to Bella, who just looked at Ophelia, wide eyed. "You're pretty as a June bug." Her peroxide blonde curls bounced around her face, her breasts; squashed into the small dress - heaving as she laughed. She looked like an extra from Dallas or The Bold and the Beautiful.

We chatted for a little while, and I did my best to keep Bella out of the spit firing line. I could see Richard's wife eyeing Bella's little bump – or _our_ little bump as it were - and could practically hear the cogs ticking in her head. I had yet to have the talk with KID about my situation, not that it had that much to do with the way I did my job. But to go from a single guy working sixty hours a week to a father in less than six months was something that was going to take up with Richard. Luckily, Ophelia kept her mouth shut, and I bought myself another few days.

I'd never really been one for social gatherings. By nature I was a quiet person who preferred my own company rather than that of a room full of people I barely knew. But after three glasses of champagne and a few whiskeys, I was beginning to see the merits of inter-office bonding. All the gossip! I was partial to all kinds of juicy details about who was sleeping with whom, and who'd been caught stealing office supplies. Before I knew it I was feeling a little flushed, and reaching for another drink.

If I'd had any qualms about taking Bella to a staff party, they were quashed quickly. She was polite to the other staff and didn't make a big deal when James quite overtly stared at her boobs for ten minutes straight. I made a mental note to glue his phone to the receiver at work. She was engaging and sweet and only said 'fuck' a normal amount.

Standing and listening to Kate talk to Sally and her brother – who turned out to be a nice guy, and who didn't in fact need a date for the ball – I knew Bella was behind me. I could feel her presence more than see her. She was like the sun on my back on a winter's day. I couldn't help but listen in on her conversation.

"So, Bella, how did you and Edward meet?"

_Crap._

"Uh..."

"Was it before or after he got out of that awful cult?"

_Double crap._

"Oh, after," replied Bella, not missing a beat.

"Imagine," gasped one of the women. "Having three wives all at once."

"Three? I heard it was five," said another.

"Well, all I'll say, ladies, is that having six wives has made him very...what's the word...attentive."

There was a beat of silence, and I could just imagine the women staring at Bella, waiting for her to elaborate.

"Oh? How so," choked one of them.

Bella lowered her voice, but it was just loud enough for me to hear. "The man's got stamina. I mean, how else can you keep six women happy?"

I swear; you could have heard a pin drop.

After that the night was kind of a blur of introductions and champagne, toasts and speeches. Before I knew it we were standing outside waiting for a cab.

"You should wear your hair like that more often," commented Bella, running her hands through my haystack hair.

I flattened my hands over my head, trying to make it sit flat again. "It's a mess."

"You're a mess."

I grinned, swaying just a little bit. "Am not."

Rolling her eyes, Bella laughed. "Are too. You've been drinking champagne Lindsay Lohan style."

"Who?"

Sighing, Bella opened the door for the cab as it pulled up to the kerb. "Just get in."

After stopping at a drive-thru somewhere so that Bella could get a cheeseburger, we made it home just as two o'clock hit. I felt like such a rebel, like a boy again – getting home late, tipsy-happy, trying to be quiet. The last time I'd done this...well. Look how that turned out.

Waiting for me outside the cab, Bella hopped from one foot to the other as she took her shoes off.

"What are you doing?"

"I gotta pee and I can't run in these heels."

"It's that bad?"

She pointed at her belly as she slipped her shoes over the fingers of one hand and dragged me up the driveway, almost jogging. I could hear her dancing around behind me, making little whining noises as I looked for my house key amongst the plethora of other keys.

Work desk.

Garage.

Side door.

Filing cabinet.

Car key.

"What the crap are you doing?" she whispered. "I gotta pee!"

Fumbling, I tried one key after the other. I really shouldn't have had that last drink – it was making focusing incredibly hard.

Frustrated, Bella reached around and pulled the keys from my hands.

"Give it."

Pushing me aside, she slipped the correct key into the lock and practically ran down the hallway towards the bathroom, her bare feet slapping against the tiles. A moment later I could hear her loud sigh of relief from the kitchen.

Loosening my tie, I slipped my shoes off and undid the top button of my shirt.

Bella emerged from the bathroom, her dress pooling around her feet, and my eyes widened as she reached inside the front of her dress and pulled out two floppy, pink bra thingies, and tossed them on the bench.

"What is that?" I asked, poking at the soft, flesh coloured blob on the counter.

"You telling me you've never seen a chicken cutlet, Edward?"

"A what?"

"You have so much to learn about women," she replied, wiggling her butt as she..._oh my god_...she wriggled out of her g-string and bunched it up in her hand.

"Much better," she sighed.

The poor water bottle in my hand was a little worse for wear, the plastic crinkled and bent under my grip.

"Walk me home, Edward?" she asked, picking up her shoes.

With her hair, soft and loose around her shoulders, the dress falling softly over her now bare curves, all I could do was nod.

This was it.

I could feel it in my bones, all the way from the tips of my fingers to the ends of my toes.

I was going to kiss Bella for the first time. Again.

As we strolled across the lawn, the night still warm, the moon high in the sky, we were quiet. Was there some kind of kissing etiquette? Did I need to proposition her? Was there some sort of universal signal that meat I wanted to kiss her? I mean apart from the raging erection in my pants.

By the time we reached the pool house I had worked myself into somewhat of a tizzy.

"You okay, champ?"

Blinking slowly, I nodded.

"You sure? You look like you're going to be sick."

"Just tired all of a sudden," I lied, hoping she'd drop it. Any courage the alcohol had given me had completely dissipated, leaving me with the overwhelming fear of rejection.

"So...uh," Bella shuffled her bare feet on the grass. "You want to come in for a drink?"

"Into the pool house?"

"Sure. I've got water. Or peppermint tea. I might only have one cup though, but we could share?"

I shook my head at her odd request. "No, I should just head up to bed."

"Oh."

"Thank you for coming with me tonight, Bella. I appreciate it."

"It's fine. It was pretty fucking awesome to be honest."

"Yeah, it was."

"Yeah."

The urge to kiss her rose again, but so did the urge to vomit as my heart leapt into my throat and my palms began sweating.

"Okay, well. Night, Bella."

"Really?" she snapped, her face turning stony.

"You don't want to go to bed?"

"No I don't want to go to bed, Edward. Fuck! Are you going to kiss me, or are we just going to do that awkward dance we do every night?"

"Uh..."

An awkward dance? I couldn't dance to save my life! I was lost for words. Had we been dancing awkwardly around a kiss? Every single night? How long had she been feeling this way? Did this mean I was supposed to just kiss her now, or had the moment passed me by yet again?

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

Grabbing me roughly by the lapels, Bella pulled me towards her, her lips pressing against mine in a kiss that knocked the wind, and almost my teeth, out of me.

I was so surprised that I just stood there like a limp fish, waiting for my brain to catch up. But when I felt her tongue sweep gently across my bottom lip, it was like a jolt of electricity surged through me. Greedy for her touch, I pulled her against me, revelling in the feeling of her lips and the silky material that covered her body.

With her fingers still wrapped in my jacket lapels, Bella pulled me through the open door of the guest house, kicking the door closed behind her. The room was dark save for the small amount of light filtering in through the open blinds.

"Bella."

When she whimpered, leaning into our kiss, her body pressed against mine in every way – all thoughts of being a gentleman started to slip away extremely quickly.

"Edwaaard."

Shit. Moaning my name did _not_ help.

"Wait, Bella."

"No, no 'Wait, Bella.' More."

Her kisses felt desperate against my skin, her soft lips across the roughness of my jaw line sending a wave of pleasure down my spine.

"But...I've been drinking. What if we...I don't want to take advantage of you."

Pulling my tie, she shook her head; her lips attached my mine. "Well, really," she kissed me gently again, "since you're the drunk one," _kiss,_ "it's me taking advantage," _kiss,_ "of you."

She had a point.

Cupping the back of her head, I pulled her to me, my fingers tangling in her hair, her mouth open and warm and perfect.

If I had any issues in regards to her being taken advantage of, they flew out the window the moment she ripped my shirt open, tiny little white buttons flying around the room. As her mouth attacked my chest, leaving trails of kisses across my collarbone, my sternum, and up my neck, I tried in vain to undo the complicated knot at the neck of Bella's dress.

"You gotta..."

"How do I...do I just pull it?"

"No, twist that bit...oh, fuck this."

With one quick movement, Bella had her dress up and over her head.

As my heart hammered in my chest, I was completely speechless. I'd never known a feeling quite like the one surging through my veins: awe, lust, pride, possessiveness.

The silver moonlight hit her body perfectly, accentuating the dips and curves of her new form. The swell of her breasts, the gentle slope of her hips, and more than anything, her round little belly; smooth and delicate.

My knees dropped out from under me, and I found myself kneeling at her feet, my hands on her hips.

Without a stitch of clothing, I could see the effect the pregnancy was having on her. While I'd become accustomed to her mood swings, and in the beginning her nausea, I hadn't seen much of the change in her body first hand. But looking at her as she was, I could see that her once angular and lithe body was becoming more womanly.

She shuddered as I placed a single kiss on the warm skin of her stomach, my fingers tracing the skin of her abdomen. It was only small, but underneath the skin and muscle, growing steadily, forming feet and hands, was a tiny little thing. A tiny thing I'd helped create, whether I'd meant to or not. Gripping her hips, my thumbs brushed the smooth skin gently, reverently, as I knelt like a man at an altar, my breath washing over her abdomen.

"Edward," she whispered, tugging my chin upwards.

I wanted to tell her that I loved it already. Boy, girl, green, blue, yellow, whatever it was, I was head over heels, tripping, stumbling, falling madly in love with it. But the words were lodged in my throat, exploding through me like a thousand fireworks as the realization sank deep into my bones.

I was going to be a father.

"Edward," she urged again, this time dropping to her knees in front of me.

"I don't want to be drunk for our second first time," I whispered, holding her face between my hands.

Frowning, Bella sighed. "Wow. That's kind of the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Stifling a laugh, I pressed my forehead to hers, kissing her gently.

"We can still kiss though, right?" she asked, looking a little panicked.

"Try and stop me."

Naked and warm, we spent the night under her sheets, talking and kissing. And as I fell asleep, a hand cradling her belly, I found myself the happiest I'd been in forever.

* * *

><p><strong>September – 18 Weeks<strong>

After that first night, sleeping in the pool house became somewhat of a habit for me; like a drug addict looking for a fix. Of course, ground rules were laid out first, and after much pouting on Bella's behalf, we settled for only kissing and over the clothes touching. She argued it was a step back, since we'd done more than that already, but the chivalrous guy inside of me wanted to do this right the second time. There would be date nights and canoodling in cinemas, stolen kisses and hand holding; all the things one thinks of when courting a woman.

It was a great plan.

Stellar.

Without fault.

Except for the fact that we were failing miserably.

Every morning when I woke up beside her I would slip out of bed and into her bathroom, locking the door behind me so I could defile her shower in an attempt to calm myself down.

Towel drying my hair, I tried to tell myself that masturbating while Bella was just feet away , on the other side of the door, was for her own good. Whether it was doing me any good was another thing. I'm pretty sure I could crush steel with my right arm after weeks of self-imposed celibacy.

Brushing my teeth, I was about to spit, when the unmistakeable sound of Bella's voice floated through the door. With my tooth brush still hanging from my mouth, I practically plastered myself to the door, my ear pressed to the thin wood.

"Oh, fuck," she moaned, and could tell she was trying to be as quiet as possible.

_Oh god._

I could feel the toothpaste dribbling out of my mouth and onto my bare chest, but couldn't find it in me to give a damn. Turning back to the vanity, I swished my brush against my teeth aimlessly. While I was in the shower, fucking my hand, Bella was in the bedroom, fucking herself with her hand.

I could still hear her moaning through the wall. "Edward."

This was not going to work. There was no way we could keep this up without someone getting carpal tunnel.

"Edward."

I brushed my teeth harder, probably scrubbing the shit out of my gums.

"Edward!"

I coughed and spluttered, trying to get the toothpaste out of my esophagus. Standing behind me was Bella, her t-shirt falling from her shoulder as she stared at my reflection.

"Huh?"

"I asked if I could get a ride. Alice has Zumba again this morning."

I nodded, trying to get the sound of her pleasuring herself out of my head. Watching her strip off and get into the shower was probably not the best way to do that.

Bella had been gushing about Riley for weeks leading up to the barbeque. As a matter of fact, if he'd been straight, I might have felt a little threatened. But as it was, she assured me that Riley "liked cock." Being the gentleman he is, Emmett invited himself to lunch, and of course with him came Rose. So, including Jasper and Alice, that made eight, and needless to say, Bella, who had taken it upon herself to cook, was a little frazzled.

"Do you really think you'll need all this?" I asked; gesturing to the mounds of chips and dip prepared on the kitchen bench.

"We're feeding two pregnant women and Emmett. What do you think?" said Bella, crunching on a piece of celery.

Stealing a piece of carrot from the chopping board in front of her, I dropped a kiss on her cheek, enjoying her blush as Alice looked on. "Smart."

"You two are so fucking cute, yo," swooned Alice. "You is like Jay-Z and Beyonce, fo real."

"Fo real," agreed Rose, nodding.

A moment later the doorbell rang loudly, and dropping the tea towel, Bella shot for the front door.

"You've got back-up food, right?" I asked Alice quietly.

Alice nodded, grimacing as she tasted the dressing for Bella's salad.

"It can't be that bad," argued Emmett, reaching over the bench to steal a piece of potato.

Almost immediately he spat it out into his hand. "What the...why is it so salty?"

Adding a ton more mayonnaise, Alice said, "Bella got confused between tablespoons and teaspoons."

Rose slapped Emmett on the back of the head, almost causing him to spit out his mouthful of beer. "It's an easy mistake. Remember when I used salt instead of sugar in your birthday cake?"

We all groaned at the memory of Rosalie's salty sponge cake.

Incessant chattering filtered up the hallway, the sound of Bella so excited making me deliriously happy.

"Guys, these are my best friends Riley and Jess."

As I shook Riley's hand, a small spark of recognition went off somewhere in the back of my mind. I think he just had one of those faces.

Jessica on the other hand, I would have remembered. Her whole face was puffy and covered in red angry looking splotches. "Um, nice to meet you."

She just grinned, her eyes blinking lazily.

"What's up with your face, girl?" shrieked Alice, never one to mince words.

"Oh," she replied, scratching at an oozing welt. "It's this new strain of bud at work. It gave me a reaction."

"You test medical marijuana?" asked Emmett, seemingly interested. He spent the rest of the hour grilling her on the chemistry of medically enhanced weed.

"I brought bubbles!" crowed Riley, holding up a bottle of champagne.

Bella scowled. "I'm pregnant, you dick."

"I never said it was for you," he snorted as he went in search of a glass.

Bella's call on the food ended up being a good one. Between her, Rose and Emmett, they devoured their plates like a bunch of ravenous vultures, leaving nothing but an empty dip container and an olive that Emmett dropped on the floor.

Lunch itself was not too bad.

Well. The hotdogs were still a little cold in the middle, and the salty potato salad didn't go down so well. But we all munched happily, and smiled politely at Bella since she looked so damn proud of herself.

"So how's Embry?" asked Bella, rubbing her stomach after a long, loud burp.

Riley shrugged. "Ugh, that man is so far in the closet he's in Narnia."

"Wait," interrupted Rose. "You were seeing Embry Call? But isn't he engaged to that girl with the dark hair – the one that never smiles?"

Riley laughed. "You mean Lauren Mallory? Girl, she's just a cover for the fact that he's a flaming homo."

Rose looked confused. "Is it politically correct to say flaming homo?"

"It is if you are one," replied Bella.

As the sun began to set we all moved outside, watching my niece play in her playhouse.

"Have you found a gynecologist yet, Rose?" asked Bella.

I sighed. It had become somewhat of a sore spot between Bella and I. Who knew finding someone to deliver your baby would be such a big deal? I certainly didn't. All I wanted was someone qualified, with some experience in the area, and who maybe had some football skills. You can't be too careful when they come out all slippery, and I wanted someone with good hand-eye coordination.

"We've seen three this week already. Edward keeps finding something wrong with them."

"That last doctor asked you out. He had his face between your legs and he asked you out. It's weird."

Emmett silently held out a fist, which I bumped gently with my own.

"Well," said Jess, speaking for the first time in a while. "Maybe if you were her boyfriend her gynaecologist wouldn't ask her out."

Everyone went completely silent, including Bella and I. I guess you can't really argue with the logic of a stoner.

"Anyway..." continued Bella, pretending not to notice Emmett and Rose's stifled smiles.

Rosalie and Alice continued on, talking about breast pumps and milky discharge, making Jasper practically green in the face.

"I thought you were my girlfriend," I whispered into her ear.

Bella relaxed back into her chair, turning to me. "Well, you haven't exactly asked me."

"I have to ask you?"

"I think so."

"Do I need to write something formal? Will I need references?"

Bella slapped me on the chest with the back of her hand, smiling wryly. "Idiot."

"So are you then?"

"Your girlfriend?"

"Yeah?"

She shrugged. "I guess so."

"Okay."

"Okay."

* * *

><p><strong>Okay? We're making some headway with the sexy times. Let's be honest, Bella and her front bum aren't going to wait that long. I wouldn't.<strong>

**Thanks guys, really. Just, thanks. xxx**


	13. Little Green Baby

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or Zoolander. I do own this story though.**

* * *

><p><strong>Little Green Baby<strong>

**BPOV**

* * *

><p>"I don't know why you two don't just fuck and get it over with," said Rose, eyeing the menu like a ravenous lion. I could almost hear her mouth watering from across the table as she salivated over the pasta dishes.<p>

Riley nodded, stirring his ice water with a straw. "She's right, you know. Look at you, you're about to jump the next guy who speaks to you."

"He doesn't have to talk," I argued. "He just needs to have a cock and be willing to fuck a fat, pregnant woman."

At the turn of twenty-two weeks my hormones were still in overdrive. Occasional fits of crying would turn into rage-induced tantrums over something as simple as the store being out of my favorite brand of gum. My midsection had popped outwards all of a sudden - what was once a small bump was now a smooth round balloon that poked out just over the top of my jeans. Nothing I owned disguised it, or the resulting weight I'd gained around my hips, which meant that there was no hiding it now. Everyone at work knew, the neighbors knew, people passing by on the street knew. And because of this, it seemed like everyone's respect for my personal space flew out the window. Random strangers were stopping to rub my bump in coffee shops; patients at work would hug me and congratulate me by touching my stomach. The idea of getting a huge t-shirt with the words _'Fuck Off'_ printed on the front was becoming more and more appealing every day.

The miracle of childbirth? It was a miracle I hadn't killed someone yet.

As well as the weight gain and severe emotional issues, my milk aversion had morphed into a dislike for anything remotely creamy or dairy based. And the worst thing was, I was craving a chocolate milkshake like a fucking drug addict, but every time I brought the milk to my mouth, my stomach rolled and I almost vomited. On the flip side, I'd discovered a fondness for anything fatty or salty - preferably both. Fries were a big favorite, and onion rings. Oh, and chicken strips. Oh, fuck, and the spring rolls from the Chinese take-out down the block from our place. I'm pretty sure Edward was on a first name basis with the guy who owned the place.

My penchant for anything salty had made visiting Esme happy, since she liked to put salt on every-fucking-thing. She was just happy that I wasn't craving anything weird since apparently Alice liked to gnaw on raw potato when she was pregnant with Lashawn, and rubber when she was pregnant with Janetta.

Since our first meeting, Esme and Carlisle had visited fairly regularly. I was sure Esme couldn't get any more tanned, but every time they showed up she was an even brighter shade of orange. As strange to look at as she was, it was nice to have a motherly figure around who wasn't going on about the benefits of fennel and licorice root for my heartburn. I didn't have the heart to tell Sue it wasn't the baby giving me heartburn; it was the deep-fried pickles I was ingesting by the fistful.

But worst of all, and by far the most frustrating side effect of my pregnancy, was that I was constantly turned on. From the minute I woke up beside Edward, with the female equivalent of morning wood, I was a walking, talking, ball of sexual need. Just the slightest sexual innuendo from him had me clenching my thighs together. He couldn't even say the word 'hard' without making my insides quiver.

"So you and Edward still haven't…" Riley made a crude gesture with his hands.

"What, Riley? Have we fucked? Has Edward banged me yet? Am I getting cock on the regular?"

Rosalie smiled apologetically as a mother at a nearby table cupped her hands over her child's ears, scowling at me.

"No," I hissed quietly. "Edward still has this thing about our first time being _special_," I said with a pout.

Riley held his hands up in defense. "Okay, Miss Cranky Pants. Geez."

Rose snorted, waving the waitress over. "Sounds a bit fruity to me. Are you sure Edward isn't gay?"

I shook my head vehemently. "Having been there, and most definitely _done_ that, I can vouch for Edwards's heterosexuality. That guy knows his way around a woman's body like a fat kid in a bakery."

"Aw, you got a taste and now you're a little Edward-whore?" Riley said, pouting dramatically at me.

At first the idea of being "wooed," as Edward put it, was kind of romantic. I'd never been actively pursued, let alone _wooed_. I figured it would be a date or two, some groping in the back of a cinema, maybe a blow job or two and then hours of sweaty animal sex.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Flowers and movies there was. Blow jobs and sweaty animal sex – there was not.

* * *

><p>I rubbed a hand across my belly as little bubbles of movement rippled under my skin; like a hundred butterflies dancing inside my abdomen. The first time it happened, I thought it was just gas, like a rumble in my stomach. But when it moved across the breadth of my belly, I realized it was the baby, not a fart. Edward tried to feel it, pressing his hand to my stomach for hours on end, but I guess it was too soft. The twenty-two week scan was going to be the first time either of us had gotten a good look at the baby, and we were both nervous and excited at the same time. Edward had spent hours reading up about the procedure the night before, telling me all about the scans and measurements the doctor would take. He was so hot when he was being smart and shit.<p>

Luckily, the clinic was only a short walk from the restaurant; and it wasn't like my ever-expanding ass couldn't use the walk anyway. The late October breeze kept me cool as I strolled past stores with Halloween decorations in the windows; oranges and reds reflected back at me from inside and out as the leaves on the trees lining the streets began to change.

As I turned the corner, ready to cross the road, my gaze traveled up the street and excitement buzzed through me as I caught sight of a tall, really, really, ridiculously good looking man standing awkwardly outside the health clinic. Dressed in an impeccable charcoal suit, with his trademark shiny shoes and bronze hair gelled within an inch of its life, was Edward. Knowing he was waiting for me sent a wave of pride through my body.

_Great, now I'm possessive and horny._

Typing furiously on his iPhone, he hadn't seen me approach, affording me some time to give him a thorough eye fuck.

I watched as a tall blonde with legs for days and tits the size of my head, walked past him, her hips swaying side to side like a supermodel. Fuck, even I looked at her ass as she walked by. But not Edward. Not my completely clueless, socially inept, baby daddy. It wasn't until I called his name as I approached that he looked up, a smile bright as the sun appearing on his face.

"How was lunch?" he asked, tucking his phone into his jacket pocket.

"Good. I ate too much."

"So normal then?"

I rolled my eyes, but smiled as Edward placed his hand on my elbow, ushering me inside the clinic.

After more deliberation and arguments on Edward's side, we'd finally found an OB/GYN who fit his strict criteria. Maggie Maguire was a six-foot redhead with a thick Irish accent, shoulders like a weightlifter, and hands the size of dinner plates. She frightened the ever-loving crap out of me, but Edward thought she was perfect.

Under strict instructions from Maggie, I'd guzzled almost a liter of water, so by the time we arrived and got into the exam room, I was absolutely busting to pee. Squeezing my legs together, I tried to resist the urge to jump off the table and sprint to the bathroom.

Edward sat quietly beside me, looking at all the posters of uteruses on the wall.

"Can you talk to me, please? Distract me so I don't piss all over the exam bed."

Tearing his eyes away from the apparently fascinating female reproductive system, Edward looked up at me from beside the bed. "Uh, so do you want to find out the sex?"

Trying to squeeze my useless pelvic floor muscles, I shrugged. "I hadn't thought about it. I'll leave it up to you, I guess."

"Me?" he squeaked. "No, no. You have to tell me what you want to do, Bella. What if I say yes and we find out, but you get upset when it's not a surprise?"

"I won't."

"Or what if we _don't_ find out, and then we can't decide between pink wallpaper and blue?"

"We can get yellow. For fuck's sake, Edward, it's not rocket science."

The combination of hormones and my extreme need to pee had me on edge, the pressure in my bladder beginning to become painful as we squabbled about the pros and cons of finding out the sex of the baby.

"I swear to God, if this bitch doesn't show up soon, I will cut someone."

Edward inched back a little in his seat, giving me a little breathing room.

Luckily for Dr Maguire and her exam bed, she breezed in the door moments later, my file in hand.

"Hey, guys!" she boomed, clamping a paw on Edward's shoulder. "You ready to see your baby?"

Both he and I nodded, and Maggie got to work getting everything ready. "You two picked out any names yet?" she asked, snapping a pair of latex gloves over her paw-sized hands.

Edward and I looked at each other. Names were a big step. Apart from the tests that had shown us I was having a baby, we hadn't even seen the thing, let alone think of a name for it.

"Not yet," I answered quietly.

"Oh well, you've got plenty of time for that. There are so many strange names around at the moment. One woman called her child Journey the other week. Journey! You know she's just destined to be—"

"Can we just get on with this please?" I interrupted, suppressing the urge to hold myself before I leaked pee everywhere.

"Right, right," Maggie said, taking a seat at the side of the bed. "Let's take a look then."

Edward and I both watched in rapt fascination as she squirted a big gob of clear gel onto my abdomen.

"Fuck that's cold," I yelped, pursing my lips as she then proceeded to push a hand-held device against the gel, making my urge to void even worse.

After a moment of swirling the thingy over my belly, a quiet _whomp-whomp_ began echoing from the monitor.

"There's the heartbeat," said Maggie, smiling as she moved the hand piece around some more.

I was surprised she couldn't pick up my own heartbeat it was thumping so hard. When Edward's hand found mine, it just got worse, and then before I could stop them, tears filled my eyes, the quiet flutter of the baby's heart the only sound in the room as both Edward and I stared at each other.

"That's its heartbeat?" asked Edward, looking just as astounded as he squinted at the screen. "It's so fast," he whispered.

I sniffled a little, dumbfounded that something so simple could evoke such a visceral reaction in me. Shifting his chair as close as it could be, Edward pulled my hand into both of his, squeezing gently. He looked about as awestruck as I felt, his green eyes bright as he smiled up at me.

"And there we go," said Maggie, interrupting the quiet. "We've got some hands, and look – there's its head."

My head whipped around and Edward practically launched himself over the bed to get a closer look.

There it was.

A baby.

Maybe not a perfect rendering of a baby, but nevertheless, tinted green from the scan I could still see its head and one of its hands.

"Oh my God."

Suddenly, the pressing urge to pee disappeared, and all I was left with was an overwhelming sense of reality. There, moving inside of me, with its own heartbeat, with ten tiny toes and fingers, was my baby.

Our baby.

I turned to Edward, loath to take my eyes off the screen for anything else. "That's our baby."

Wide-eyed and slack-jawed, Edward nodded, his eyes locked on the monitor.

The tears I'd tried to keep at bay spilled over as he smiled; his whole face alight with wonder. "Hey, baby," he said quietly.

Moving my hand up to the little strip of skin that wasn't covered in gel, I pressed my hand against my belly, closing my eyes as I listened to the heartbeat echo around me.

When Edward pressed his lips to my forehead, I just continued to cry, looking up at him as he gazed down at me.

"We're having a baby," he whispered against my skin, his hand cradling my cheek as his thumb brushed the tears from beneath my eyes.

Touching my hand to his, I sniffled, smiling, completely lost for words. Maggie spent some time pointing out a few other body parts; its feet and the length of its toes, its hand - with what she said were going to be long fingers. She even measured the space between the eyes, and how long its legs and arms were. The whole time Edward and I sat, staring in rapture at the little green baby on the screen.

"You two want to know the sex?"

Edward looked at me and I just shrugged gently, keeping a hold of his hand as it moved from my cheek. "Whatever you want."

Taking a deep breath, he shook his head. "I think a surprise would be nice."

He looked to me, his brows lifting in question, and I nodded in approval, unable to wipe the stupid grin off my face. After a few more moments of watching the baby, and listening to its heartbeat, Maggie cleaned the goop off my skin and handed us a bunch of photos.

"You're doing perfectly, Bella," said Maggie, snapping my file closed. "Your blood pressure is excellent, glucose levels are perfect – everything's just great. See Emily at the front desk and she'll make an appointment for two weeks, just for another check up, okay?"

Fully clothed and in a bit of a daze, I peed for what felt like an eternity, and then made my way out to a waiting Edward, who had been good enough to make the next couple of appointments for me. Even though it was the middle of the day, Edward drove me all the way home, apparently happy to take the time to do so. I think we spent the entire trip beaming like idiots. Once home, I pinned the photo up on the fridge and we stood back, looking at the little green baby. Edward draped an arm over my shoulder, his warm hand rubbing my shoulder as I sighed contentedly.

"Do you wonder what he'll look like when he comes out?"

Edward frowned, looking between me and the picture. "He?"

I nodded.

"What makes you think it's a he, Bella?"

Snorting, I crossed my arms over my chest. "Edward, come on." I gestured to the picture. "Obviously it's a boy."

Squinting his eyes, Edward leaned in closer, tilting his head as he looked at the photo. "How on earth can you tell?"

"You can totally see his thing!"

Edward's head whipped around. "His thing?"

"You know," I rolled my eyes. "His pee-pee."

A crease appeared between Edward's brows as he looked at me. "His pee-pee? What are you, six? You've been spending too much time with Janetta."

As he looked back at the picture my heart swelled at his words. He was giving me snarky back-chat. How far he'd come from the anal-retentive, highly-strung Edward I'd first met.

"Where?" he asked, pulling the picture from the fridge and handing it to me. "Where's his pee-pee?"

"Right there," I answered, pointing to the picture.

Edward's laugh was loud, echoing through the empty house. "Bella, that's an arm."

Grabbing the picture, I looked again. "No way!"

"Yes way!"

My finger rapped against the shiny photo paper. "That is SO not an arm. It's a boy, and that's his little wang!"

"Bella," giggled Edward, his cheeks pink from laughing. "Unless he's going to be born the most well endowed kid on earth, that's an arm. See?"

Pointing out the features, I found Edward was right; it was an arm.

"Okay, smart ass," I conceded. "Seriously though, we need to start thinking about names and stuff."

Edward nodded, stepping forward to place an open hand on my stomach. No matter how many times he did it, my heart still beat a mile-a-minute when he touched me, and this was no exception.

"We can have a look through the baby names book when I get home tonight," he said, his body so close to mine I could feel his breath wash over my cheek.

The air around us seemed to hum as he reached down to pluck the photo from my fingers. Looking at it one more time, he slid it onto the bench.

There's always that moment right before you kiss, where your heart leaps into your throat and your palms begin to sweat. After a while I guess that feeling goes away, and a kiss is just a kiss. I hoped I never ever got to that stage, that the strange surge of nerves I got right before Edward kissed me never abated.

His kisses still left me weak-kneed, a little breathless and, of course, after months of pent-up sexual tension between us, more than a little worked up. When I wrapped my fingers around the silky material of his tie, pulling him closer, Edward whimpered quietly, and all of a sudden I found myself being lifted onto the kitchen bench. I gasped as his lips found my neck, his kisses hard and needy against my skin. Gripping his tie in my fist, I urged him closer, desperate to feel some kind of relief.

He groaned again as I palmed him through his slacks, the thin material doing nothing to hide the erection straining against his boxers. Sliding my hands up his broad chest and into his hair, I pulled his lips to mine again, using the opportunity to rough his bronze hair up, setting it free of its over-gelled confines. Edward whimpered quietly, his mouth opening for me as I kissed him deeper, trying to show him how much I wanted him with just a kiss.

I waited for him to pull away like usual, to take step back and put distance between us like he always did. But when I tightened my fingers in the short hair at the nape of his neck, he pressed forward into my hand, breathing unsteadily, and I knew this time wouldn't be like the others. My skin prickled as his hand moved up my bare thigh and under the hem of my dress, and I thanked my lucky fucking stars that I'd chosen to wear the long-sleeved dress as opposed to my jeans. Pulling me forward until I was perched on the edge of the counter, Edward brushed the back of his fingers against my underwear, the too-gentle movement sending sparks of desire shooting through me.

An unsteady breath hissed through Edward's teeth. "Oh, God." I knew he could feel how wet I was. God, even I could feel it as I pulsed and throbbed, aching for him to do something to relieve the tension.

His hand pulled at my underwear roughly, letting them slide over my hips and down my legs, where they slipped from my ankles to the floor between his legs. My back arched and my legs clamped around his hips as he touched me, his fingers coated in my desire for him, and his cock pressed against my thigh, hot and hard for me.

When he pressed two fingers inside of me I thought I would explode, and when he pulled them out, circling them around my clit, I almost screamed, I was so fucking on edge.

Reaching for his belt, I kissed the soft skin under his jaw as he continued to tease me.

In, out, swirl.

In, out, swirl.

"Edward," I groaned, pulling the thick leather material through the metal buckle. "Please, just fuck me. Please," I practically begged, trying to undo the button on his pants as he continued to torture me with his fingers. I knew it wasn't a ladylike thing to beg, but I was beyond caring.

Resting his head on my shoulder, I could feel him trying to compose himself, trying to rein in his own desire.

But I was having none of it.

Freeing him from his boxers, I wrapped a hand around him, moving my hand up his length once.

"Bella," he groaned, his fingers missing a beat as I repeated the action, swirling my thumb over the slick head of his cock.

"Just do it," I whispered, squeezing gently. "Fuck me."

"Jesus, Bella." When he looked up at me, his startling green eyes meeting mine, I'd expected to see conflict raging there, but was startled to see nothing but heavy-lidded lust. With his bottom lip between his teeth, he watched as I gripped him tightly again, his eyes slipping closed for a moment as I positioned the head of his cock right where I wanted him, where I was aching and wet and so fucking ready for him to have me.

With his hands on either side of my hips, practically crumbling the granite bench top in his grip, Edward pushed forward slowly.

"Shhiiiit," I moaned, my arms wobbling as I tried to keep them wrapped around his neck.

I remembered Edward being good. But I did not remember him being _this_ good. It was like everything had become tighter under the weight of the baby, and I could feel every single fucking inch of him filling me. And when Edward's mouth fell open, his bottom jaw slack as he panted, his eyes locked on where we were joined, I knew it felt different for him too.

Lowering me onto my back gently, Edward pulled my dress up, bunching it around my waist as he gripped my hips. My head rolled to the side as he unbuttoned the top three buttons of his shirt, his tie already hanging loose around his neck.

"Wait, wait a second," I whispered, sitting up and shimmying off the bench. I sighed as the heavy weight was lifted from my lower back and hips, and my dress fell around my thighs again as I turned around, repositioning myself over the bench top, my ass pressed against his dick.

Warm hands slid up the back of my thighs, and leaning forward to kiss the spot beside my ear, Edward rolled his hips against my ass, and I could feel his smile against my skin as every muscle in my body tightened at his touch. His fingers slid up the outside of my thighs gently taking my dress with them as I bent forward, my chest almost flush with the cold granite.

Grabbing the ultrasound picture from beside me, I turned it face-down, my fingers almost tearing it in two as Edward pushed into me from behind, his hands firm on my hips, his thumbs pressed against my lower back.

As his hands slid up my back and down again, gripping my waist, I couldn't help but echo his movements, meeting Edward's thrusts with my own. When he gripped my hips tightly and began to snap his hips against mine, the movement making my hands squeak against the granite bench top, I couldn't stop the almost-scream that tumbled out of my mouth.

Never slowing his pace, Edward ran the tips of his fingers across his tongue and slid them between my legs, pressing against my most sensitive spot.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." With every punishing roll of Edward's hips against mine, the heat at my center began to expand. Seconds later, I was practically chanting Edward's name as the combination of his fingers and the angle of his hips sent wave after wave of my orgasm crashing over me, spreading warmth throughout my whole body, making my muscles twitch and clench.

His hair wild, and his eyes ablaze, Edward looked almost feral as he stood behind me, his hips driving into me at a punishing pace as he came crashing after me, his breath warm on my back as he buried himself in me one last time.

Panting and wobbly-legged, Edward stayed resting against me as we both caught our breaths, his weight on his arms as he tried not to press against me too hard.

"Well, that escalated quickly," I said, breaking the silence.

Edward lifted his head, pressing a kiss to the dip between my shoulder blades.

"That wasn't really how I planned on doing that."

I shrugged, feeling him slip out of me. "It was still pretty fucking okay with me."

"Oh, god," he said suddenly, his eyes popping open as he held his softened cock in his hand. "I didn't wear a condom!"

Standing up, I pulled my dress down to cover myself up again. "I think it's a little late to worry about that, don't you?"

Tucking himself away, Edward grinned sheepishly, picking my underwear up off the floor. "Good point. It's not like you can get any more pregnant, is it?"

I giggled, wriggling my underwear back on. "Nope."

Bits and pieces tucked away, and suit jacket back in place, Edward leaned in to kiss me softly on the cheek, his expression still soft and post-coital blissed-out. "I'll see you tonight?"

"I'll be here."

I waited until his car drove past the front window before erupting into a victory dance. If my vagina could have high-fived me, it would have. It would also have asked for an ice pack since it was a little out of practice, but whatever, the bitch was happy.

After triumphantly dancing around the house for a while, I scrubbed the kitchen bench thoroughly, and then decided to send a copy of the ultrasound to both Esme and Carlisle, and Sue and Charlie. God knows Charlie could use a little visual stimuli to warm to the idea of being a grandpa. And hopefully the photo would warm his heart enough to make him stop scaring the shit out of Edward every time he visited.

* * *

><p>A week or so later, Janetta sat on the carpet in the living room, her crayons spread around her again, brows creased, and her little tongue poking out of the side of her mouth as she scribbled furiously, coloring perfectly inside the lines of her 'My Little Pony' picture.<p>

"Who taught you to color inside the lines like that?"

To be honest, I don't think I could have done a better job.

"Uncle Edward."

I snorted loudly.

_Figures. _Only Edward would teach a child to keep the crayon inside the lines at all times. Anal bastard.

Since our afternoon tryst in the kitchen, Edward and I couldn't seem to get enough of each other. There was only one word for me, and that was _insatiable_. Whereas before I could only whine and bitch about being turned on, now I had the means to solve the problem, and a veritable sex-god attached to that means.

The pool house.

The bathroom in the pool house.

The laundry room.

His car.

Oh, god – his car. _Yeah. That was a good one._

There wasn't a surface in the house we hadn't defiled.

"Are ponies' hairs blue or lallow?"

Shaking the lusty thoughts from my head, I looked down at the picture, taking in the neon green pony with red eyes and pink grass beneath it. "Blue. Definitely."

Selecting the dark blue, Janetta got to work. As weird as the kid could be sometimes, I was growing a little affinity for the girl. Sure, sometimes she smelled like boogers and had sticky fingers, but she knew all the words – albeit some wrong ones - to Bon Jovi's 'Livin' On A Prayer', and always ate my carrots at dinner so I didn't have to. If my kid turned out half as well-adjusted and kooky as Janetta, I'd be happy.

At the thought of the baby, I rubbed my hand across my little bump, a movement I'd made a habit of lately. And as I watched Netty color fastidiously between the lines of her picture, I almost jumped out of my seat as I felt a strong ripple of movement near my bellybutton.

"Oh my…fuuuu-goodness."

Janetta dropped the crayon, gasping. "Is the baby coming?"

"No, silly." I grabbed her hand and pressed it against my belly, her tiny pink-wax-smeared hand under mine. "Feel it?"

Her eyes bugged out of her head as she felt the baby kick against her hand. "Whassit doing?"

"It's saying, 'What's up?'"

Leaning forward, Netty cupped her hands around her mouth and pressed them to my stomach. "WHAT'S UP, BABY?!" she said loudly.

Laughing, I shook my head. "You're strange, kid, you know that?"

We both sat there for a little while, moving our hands over my stomach, trying to feel some more movement. After about three and a half minutes, Janetta got bored and went back to coloring.

After about six minutes I got bored too, and scooted over to the table beside Janetta. "So, crayons, huh?"

I picked up the waxy pencil, giving it a sniff. It smelled like the inside of my pencil case from third grade.

"Yup."

Choosing a blue and a pink crayon, I stuck them under my top lip, clapping my hands together like a walrus. There was nothing like embarrassing yourself to make a kid laugh. And Janetta's laugh was pretty cool, all girly and high-pitched, and the sound of it made me smile.

"Me!" she giggled, clapping her hands.

Copying my move with a little help, we both made walrus noises loudly until our faces were red from laughter.

"What are you doing to my niece?"

I looked up to see Edward standing behind us, watching intently.

"We're waruses, Uncle Edward. Wanna be a warus too?"

Edward shook his head, declining politely. "No thanks, baby. But you two go ahead."

"Wait!" I yelled, dropping the crayons and standing slowly. "I think the baby kicked."

Faster than I could blink, Edward was beside me, his hand on my stomach. "Where? Did it hurt? How long for?"

"I feeled it," said Janetta, still focused on her drawing.

"You did?" he asked, smiling. "Lucky you."

Unfortunately, the baby wasn't as forthcoming with Edward. And not just on that day either. By the end of the following week – week twenty-four – almost everyone in the house had felt the baby move but Edward. I could see that he was trying to be positive about it, but when Jasper felt it one night, shit hit the fan.

"Jasper felt it?" he yelled, a little red across the cheeks as he fumed.

"He was right there, and the baby moved. What was I going to say? No? I can't make it move, Edward."

"Can't you try? Think about it moving or something." He poked at the side of my belly gently. "Hey in there. Give me something, please?"

We both waited with bated breath for something to happen. But of course it didn't.

But, with only twelve weeks to go, I had no doubt Edward would feel something soon. Especially since he had all but moved into the guesthouse with me.

"You don't think it's weird that you're living in the guesthouse of your own house?" I asked one morning, as we lay naked in bed after a very rousing Sunday morning wakeup session.

Edward shrugged. "Not really. And who knows what's going on with Alice and Jasper these days."

I sat up in bed. "What do you mean?"

"I heard Alice telling mom that she's stalling the divorce papers."

"Oh. Why? All they do is fight."

Toying with the ends of my hair, Edward nodded. "Yeah, but that's the way they are. I wouldn't be surprised if they're back together by Christmas."

"You mean we could have the house to ourselves?"

A smile lifted Edward's mouth at one side. "Maybe."

Resting my head on Edward's chest again, I made it my mission to make sure Alice and Jasper gave their marriage a second try.

* * *

><p><strong>Endless thank-you's to Krystle and to Alby for sticking out the wait between chapters. And to all those of you still reading. Not long to go now! Baby OCDWard is on its way!<strong>

**Thank you xx Wink**


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